To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

Having a third baby is just one option in how to manage your broodiness.
You are very young, why not put the idea on the back burner for a while and see how you feel in 6 months? In that time you could really focus on managing your EUPD?

You must know that this condition impacts your relationships. You must also know that bringing a child into possible unstable relationship isn't ideal.

Have you spoken about your feeling with your MH nurse?

with all due respect: you’re 23 and already planning a 3rd. If you’ll have a 3rd (now) and continue at a similar rate you may very well end up with about 9 children!

you already have two daughters. You’re also a single mother with complex MH issues and most likely limited resources. Having a 3rd will mean that your already limited resources will have to be distributed between 3 instead of 2 children.

That will not benefit your already existing daughters (objectively). I would strongly encourage you to wait a few years before seriously considering a 3rd. You still have soooo much time!

I accidentally voted YANBU so I just wanted to say what an utterly idiotic idea this would be and you need to focus on getting help for your EUPD and maybe read some stories from kids whose parents had BPD and what they have gone through as a result. It’s not your fault that you have MH issues but one thing you can do is to focus on the kids you have and not bring any more into this world.

Yeah he would be happy either way. I would also quite like to have a boy after 2 girls but will be happy either way. It's just the conversations we've been having

But what if you have another girl and you still feel broody in a few years? How many babies will you have before you realise it's best for your children if you don't have any more?

There comes a point for everyone when it's not a good idea to have another baby, however much you want one. From what you've posted, the negatives for your existing children and potential baby outweigh the positives.

It's an utterly terrible idea. There has to be something more to your life than having kids with temporary men. Are you working to support your children? It's really no way to live at all and utterly selfish of you to think of bringing more children into your current situation.

Exactly this.

The broodiness will keep coming back and this is what happened to me as I had my first at 17, it becomes an obsession and it’s unhealthy. You’re young enough to pause and take a step back and see how you feel in a few years instead of just having a baby every couple of years .

I really hope this thread is a wind-up

I hold my hands up.
I absolutely do judge a young woman with a significant MH condition with 2 children from 2 different fathers, in an unstable relationship wanting to have a third.

Yeah well what if he has a daughter? The whole thing is quite scary as to the level of irresponsibility.

I think it normal emotion to feel broody, however, desiring to bring another child into an unstable circumstance is indicative that you need more mental health input. I think this can helpful to explore this with a therapist. I think it may be helpful to consider who your current on an off relationship may be impacting on your children.

Well done for asking advice from MN. The fact you are asking makes me think you anticipate that the majority of people would advise you to wait.
Imagine how wonderful it could be to have a baby at 30 when you have an established career and a stable relationship. You would have so much more to give.

What if it’s a girl?

Temporary, we've been together nearly 2 years. We live together, split bills and raise 2 children together. It's not some random

Yes I agree. Babies aren’t toys or accessories. So what if you feel broody? Learn to control it. Your condition unless very carefully managed will already have a detrimental impact on your existing children and the more kids you have the less you will be able to cope. Sorry but it’s true. Let’s not sugar coat what sort of symptoms EUPD involves and how terrifying that can be for a child.

It would be selfish to bring another baby into your home at this stage of your life, imo.

You already have 2 young children as a young, single mother. You're only 23 and admittedly not in a good place mental health wise, you have a mental health diagnosis, and are in an unstable relationship. Already acknowledging you might end up 'going it alone' essentially is not any kind of good plan.

Being 'broody' is not a good reason to bring another baby into the lives of your children, no matter how much you think they'd 'love' a baby in the house.

Be honest. This isn't about what you want for them; it's what you want for you. And, again, be honest. Would you want you as a mother in your current condition, age, and situation in life?

Focus on the children you have. Do you best by them. That includes not spreading your emotional and financial resources thinner than they already are. And also note that any additional children you bring into the world won't be eligible for universal credit etc should you rely on benefits to supplement your income. Which could really harm the children you already have.

OP, have you considered these feelings might be part of your MH? My partner has the same diagnosis and impulsivity is a big challenge.

The first two fathers were temporary, so it's not a huge leap to assume this one will be too.

Oh ffs @Differentstarts that’s not a reason to have one though! I could cry when I see someone has a brand-new car because all I’ve ever wanted to do is buy a brand-new car but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go in and put myself in masses of debt.
same principle!

Maybe but we have been talking about it for a few weeks now normally when I'm impulsive it's quite instant. I'm still taking the pill at the moment so no actual decision has been made yet.

You live together but it's on again/off again. At 2 years a man shouldn't even be living with your daughters.

Perfect response 👌 be the very best mum you can be OP & watch your children thrive!

Then get help.

Have another baby is not the solution to everything.

My mum is like you. She kept having babies to fill a hole that can never be filled. She had her first baby as a teenager. She’s now in her 70’s and still has a void that cannot be filled. She’s still doing shit that is devastating the children that she created.

I doubt this post will change anything, but as a child of a mother like you, I need to tell you to stop. Babies aren’t the answer you’re looking for.

Three is a big change for two.

Don't be daft.