To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

Actually, they do, and many kids from large families will attest to that. They definitely do when there are 3 different fathers in the picture and the relationship between mum and latest boyfriend is already rocky.

If you have a baby now OP, you'll be broody when they turn 4 and the next one too. Unless you fix the issue that is making you feel this way. Have counselling. Focus on getting better for your DC. Then wait in a long term relationship to really figure your partner out, for years. Have your third baby with the man you choose to spend the rest of your life with, after really knowing him for a long time. I had my first at 25 and I now know I wasn't really mature enough.

I do appreciate the comments on people saying they understand them feelings of being broody. Iv never really experienced it before recently and I could honestly cry when I see women pregnant and with their newborns

Dear oh dear.

There are other things in life which give people fulfilment, Differentstarts. If we all gave into the urge every time we felt broody there would be little room on the planet.

Give your head a wobble, for goodness sake. Babies are not babies for that long, you could have one next year and feel the same two years later - and so forth.

@Differentstarts spanner in the works here!! what happens when this partner decides he has had enough of playing happy families?? do you move on to having a 4th baby with yet another partner? who is going to subsidise all those children that you keep having because you want them?? Joe Public????? you need to waken up to yourself and think how you will support the two kids you have when this guy packs it in!!

The big question here is how does the new partner feel about his step kids? Does he love them? Is he good to them? He says he wants “a kid of his own”, but is he looking for a real partner or a surrogate uterus he can impregnate then feck off?

Most children's mums aren't 23 with EUPD and in an unstable relationship. Please, please don't do it.

If its something you've only just started to experience then there's no thought behind it. You're still very young. Only you know whether you cam give another baby everything they need emotionally and financially. Future stability and so on. And if your relationship is rocky that's not a good start.

He's really good with them he treats them like his own but it's obviously not the same and he would like a son

I think some of the replies on here are quite unkind - I don't think pps are wrong, but the wording feels very harsh.

I don't think you should have another baby now, for lots of reasons.

• you say your relationship isn't stable - babies put a lot of strain on relationships. Additionally, it's quite complex emotionally managing children from different fathers within a family.
• three children is significantly harder than two. You may find you are managing well with two but three is too hard. Three is not a crazy number of children to have; however, it's harder and more expensive than two. As a single parent the impact is even greater - more children than hands is hard!
• you are still really young. If you've been dealing with mh issues and also been a parent for a while, you may feel like you've been an adult for a long time, but it is still really young.
• there's no guarantee that your mh will get better as you get older (I don't know much about EUPD but I have experience of other mh conditions) but you are likely to get better at managing it and more mature generally. Also, your brain is still developing due to your age. It's likely that in a few years you will be more capable of having another baby successfully - additionally your children will be older and that will make it easier.

I don't think you should write off the idea of having a third child completely, but I would suggest deciding to wait - maybe having something like the coil - and revisiting in three or five years.

2 by 2 fathers is plenty, would not add a 3rd with a different father yet again.

Bullshit.

I definitely suffered. I love my sister and brothers. But from objectively?

My life (especially teenage years and early twenties) was considerably more difficult. And I suffered a lot.

My parents tried their best and me admitting this would hurt them. But it’s still the truth.

So what happens if you birth a third daughter? On to number four?

By focusing on the feeling of being broody and considering having another child, you are allowing your mental illness to stop you living the life your existing children need you to live.

They are very young still and need the best version of you far more than they need a new sibling.

I understand that you probably don’t appreciate the “you’re so young comments” because you’re the oldest you’ve ever been right now. 23 is truly so young though, you have so many years ahead to focus on your two children, get yourself to a really good place with your mental health, with a stable relationship that benefits you and them, before having anymore children.

Please don’t do this. It’s so easy to think a baby will fix everything, it’ll make you feel good because it’s what you’re good at. But it’ll be a never ending loop, a 4th baby, a 5th?
Like you I was a very young mum, divorced by the time I was 25. I actually enjoyed being a single mum and was tempted after I remarried in my 30s to have another. So glad I didn’t, it would have been a total disaster.
Concentrate on the lovely girls you have, staying well and giving them the best life you can.

I would advise to wait. I have a huge family and I have ASD and ADHD. I love my dc but I know I have made big mistakes along the way. My advice to you would be get some long acting contraceptive and just try to concentrate on the children you have now. Then you can see how the relationship and your mental health progress

It is the absolute worst place to ask. Seriously. It is.
I am a similar age to you and I have 1. I understand the broodiness.
If you want another child, and you can provide for your children then have another one!
You'll get a lot of judgement on here unfortunately!

This has got to be a joke post right?

baiting people just for their reactions.

if by some slim chance it isn’t please give your head a shake. Three kids by three different fathers and you’re 23. Your relationship isn’t stable of healthy and it sounds like you need to do a lot of work on yourself before you think about a relationship or another child.

So he’d like a son? Red flag right there. What if you have a daughter? Would you try for another kid after that to try to keep him? You’re using children to get certain things and certain feelings - it’s not realistic OP nor is it fair to the children.

I think it sounds like a terrible idea.

What would happen if you got the baby bug again in another 3 or 4 years though? Broodyness isn't the best reason as it recurs with each baby.

Since having my own child wkth my husband, the most stable, solid, loving long term relationship, I've thought how hard it would be to have a baby with any form of instability as it breaks more than makes that kind of dynamic.

A baby is not a six pack of beer that you pick up for your bf because he is thirsty. He “wants a son?” Like:a mini me accessory?

Stop and think about maintaining a strong relationship with someone over the ling haul. Is your bf committed to you and your daughters? Is he intending to be their father? Because it sounds like a baby for him is a permanent problem masquerading as a solution.

Ok and what happens if you go through with it and have a daughter? Will he be interested then?

Please don't

Would you be better thinking about employment opportunities (not sure if you work)