To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

[Differentstarts]

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

OP did you post here just to get a reaction from MN?

It's a really bad idea to have a baby when you're relationship is rocky. Even if you had amazing mental health, it would be a bad idea. But given your diagnosis, it could be disastrous (I say this as someone with my own mental health issues. I waited until I was 30, had been with a partner years and new our relationship was very strong, and had my mental health issues very very well managed before having my longed for children).

You already have children and their needs come first, regardless of how broody you are (and I understand it can be an overwhelming desire). You just can't expect them to deal with a new sibling, especially a half sibling which comes with extra considerations, and the potential breakdowns of you relationship, along with any impact either of these things have on their mum's mental health. It's not fair to them.

Get a full time job @Differentstarts that will keep you busy. Do you own your own home?

No but a lot of people don't. Doesn't make someone a bad parent

Well, wait and have another child in six or eight years if you're well and in a good relationship then, and still want one.

The best thing you can do is concentrate on being the best mum possible for the children you already have.

Keep their lives stable, don’t add more children to the mix, try to stabilise your relationship, work on keeping your MH as stable as possible.

Your job is prioritising their wellbeing and stability over your broodiness.

So if you become a single parent you will support three kids on a part time salary without them suffering in any way? I am not sure that this is anyway realistic unless you expect other people to pick up the tab.

Just concentrate on the children you have.

I get this. I feel the same. However (unlike me) you have the luxury of time. You are very lucky in that regard.

It would be a very unwise decision to have another baby now. In 10 years you may be in a good position. You could (almost) wait 20 years. You don't need to say 'never', just 'not now'.

Are you sure you can manage the strain on your mental health that three children can cause?

Baby's are not babys for long, what then another and another? Your only 23 many don't have their first for years after this take time get life sorted....your issues may still resolve it's been hardly anytime at all. Who pays for the children you have? What role model are you giving them? Are you confident all those things are sorted?

What does your current boyfriend think about your baby plans? You seem rather blasé about the prospect of becoming a single mum for a third time.

I just noticed your NN @Differentstarts

I wonder if this is part of the issue. Do you believe the 'start' is the important thing? Two reason for asking that:

1. Do you believe your two children are somehow ruined or spoiled by a bad start?
2. Have you missed that parenting is a marathon not a sprint? That your current children will need a lot of input for a lot of years.

You're young. You could parent your existing children all the way to adulthood and still have time for another if you see that you did a fabulous job and still want another.

23 is ever so young .I had my first at 23 and my last at 38..
There's no rush .
I've got a 10 year age gap between 2 of mine and it's lovely,just as lovely as having them close together

Please just focus on the children you have and making their lives as calm and stable as possible.

He wants a kid of his own. We have been talking about it and he will go along with whatever I decide on whether I want to wait or not.

Maybe it's your mental health causing the intense need for another baby? Are you craving that initial new baby euphoria to fill a whole? Can you give those children everything they need in 10 years time when maybe you have 5 children?

I think op, at 23 you have LOADS of time to be thinking about expanding your family. I only had my first at 35! I understand feeling broody totally and that can be quite overwhelming, but you need to think about this logically. If you need to be a single parent to 3 children that's going to massively impact the life you can provide for them. I'm a single mother to one ds and I would LOVE to have more, but I know there is a limit to what I can provide financially for ds. I want to be able to accommodate school trips, hobbies, things he wants that his friends will have, holidays, days out as a family and to have money aside to help set him up with things like a car or a house or getting married that will be even more expensive by the time it comes around for him to try and do it. I work full time and I earn a good wage but it's still really tight.

Obviously everyone has to weigh up their priorities for parenting within their budget, but I want ds to grow up secure and with stability and I know if I had more children that would just get harder with each child.

EUPD can also make it difficult to sustain a solid support network and to maintain healthy relationships. You need to try and get to a place where you are the most stable in yourself before you add more responsibility and demand into your life. Because while babies are wonderful, they are super intense as well. And as a single parent you have to have a decent support network around you to help you manage. I think op you need to really think about what a child needs from their mother and if you can realistically provide that for 3 children all at the same time.

The breakdown of my family was by stbxhs doing but that was still a trauma and a big loss for ds even though he was really small at the time. I cannot imagine being willing to put a child through that just to satisfy my own desire to have a baby. Being a mother (especially a single mother) in a big part is about sacrifice and putting your children before yourself and your own wants and needs so you're setting them up for the best life they can have.

I agree with others who recommend you channel your broodiness into being the best mum you can be for your existing children and use this time to really invest in yourself, your wellbeing and managing your own mental health. Your existing kids need the best possible version of you, not a sibling and a mum who's spread herself too thin and is struggling.

That’s not what I was implying, what I’m trying to say is get yourself in a better state if you can…then have another baby.

This would be an extremely bad idea. Disruptive for your existing children, potentially bad for your already poor mental health and bad for your finances (and those of your existing children).

Focus on the needs of the children you have.

Who is financing the children you have already OP?
Do you have a steady job/career prospects/child care?

This. With bells.

Reading that initial post the OP sounds incredibly immature, I fear for those two little kids, doesn’t sound like they’re getting the love, attention, financial stability, secure attachment and full attention from their mom who seems more concerned with her on and off BF and breeding some more.

answering your question OP: yes, it’s wrong to bring in another child into an insecure relationship when you’re 23 and already have 2 kids from two different dads, please don’t do that to your children. Maybe down the line and once you find a safe and solid relationship with a man who loves your kids you’ll be able to have another one.

Also .
You need something for you ,for when they are all grown up and don't need you any more ..that's when you regret not making the m,ost of yourself..
I couldn't have a career,as mine had disabilities,with endless hospital appointments and then no school places ...but in another life ,I'd of had a fabulous career and made my children proud

The fact someone even needs to say this to you, is quite alarming.

I'd just really try and give it at least a couple more years just focusing on you as a couple and your MH. Let your DC get a bit older with the focus on just the 2 of them.

I'd also be very aware of the benefits cap of 2 DC. It might be OK while you're together but if you did (god forbid) split up then it could make things very hard.