SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

I'm not sure I agree with that. If someone is slagging me off behind my back, I want to know about it.

I agree, OP I am not sure you will even survive let alone thrive in this family

OP, don´t you see that you shouldn´t need to ask him to have your back, he should have it naturally...

Stand up for yourself and tell her to grow up. Tell your fiancé you want a fulsome apology or no contact. My SIL was a rude bitch to me. My DH asked her to apologise and she wrote me a passive aggressive letter but hey, better than nothing.

I have as little to do with them as possible. Blocked on all social media and DH has limited contact only in regard to his elderly DM.

Why do you care what your SIL thinks of you? She is your husband's sister and that's it. Let him have a relationship with her you don't need to. Spend your time and energy on people who are your friends, who do know you for you not judgemental ones like you SIL.

What was your fiances involvment or opinion on the letter?

Did he suggest it?
Did he guide it?
Did he review it?

This is a really sad thread. I'm very sorry you feel the need to persuade this absolute bell end that you're worth her approval.

My upbringing wasn't a million miles from yours OP. I'm now 43 and over recent years have just stopped giving a flying fuck whether others like me or not. I've some excellent friends and family, and it's enough. Please please learn to stand up for yourself. It doesn't need drama. Just raise your eyebrows or smile and turn away when she's being a cow.

Focus on enjoying the company of those you enjoy in his family and stay neutral with the haters!

5 couple have had DSIL tell them you're a stuck up snob and all 5 couples have realised that SIL has misjudged you - thats really a win. Now SIL is looking like a prize Pratt that really hasn't got a clue or a grudge...

Keep going to family events and start realising that your dp family know youre lovely.

This 'you're fake' insult seems to have caught on in the last few decades and to be extraordinarily damning.
You don't sound at all fake, OP, and it's upsetting that your SIL has decided that you are and takes it upon herself to warn other people who haven't met you yet.
But what can you do? Only be yourself and eventually those people will get to know you. Somebody could mistake you for a mist-coloured mountain or a philosophical concept, but it doesn't mean anything.

It seems that you are sub-consciously looking to this new family to heal and nourish you to resolve your deficient childhood.

Thats understandable for the little broken child part of you within to have these rose tinted glasses on and relentless hope - that the opposite of your family dymamic that you 'see' before you is the answer.

But two things:

Its not what it seems - its likely unhealtily enmeshed, where gossip and bullying fuel the interactions and support some sort of heirarchy. I guess your fiance is at the bottom of it - the family scape goat or the ignored child?

Where is his anger at this bullying - where are his values, morals and integrity?

Why is he happy to throw you under the bus by not speaking out - is it because he can sacrifce you to be the punch bag and not himself.

This family is not good. Look like they are all setting you up.

Your SIL sounds desperately insecure so you should be feeling sorry for her and at the same time laughing at her. The letter you wrote has shown her that you actually care about her opinion. Big mistake.

OP you are almost certainly worth 100 of her so just grey fade her out.

I would also be seriously thinking my choice of fiancé. She isn't going to change so you're going to have to (inasmuch as how you deal with it/care). If you can't do that you need to get far away from the family.

What’s wrong with the word “horrendous”, btw? I would use it at times to indicate worse than horrible but less bad than horrific.

In any case, you should have as little to do with this SIL as possible and maybe it’s time to suggest that your fiancé needs to start having your back.

Your SIL is the cow.

I’m shocked you sent a letter outlining all your personal issues to try to get this person to understand you.

It’s not smart to hand someone a list of your triggers your full life story on a piece of paper.

People don’t react well to bad experiences as explanations for behaviour. Despite your good intentions, most people (because most people aren’t very empathetic) will read that as a “pity party” or “victim mentality”.

(and I’m not saying this is my opinion, I’m sorry you went through what you did, please see the nuance that I’m explaining here)

I think where she’s coming from is that she see’s you’re a people pleaser - people pleasers are fake. You said yourself you present yourself very carefully. You do it to protect yourself and make people like you but it makes her feel uncomfortable because all your actions and words feel too perfect. She feels you “manipulating” them into feeling a certain way about them.

I say this as a former people pleaser too, which a shit family, who brought me up to be scared and insecure. Solidarity!

My advice is let it go. Think “ well I don’t like her very much either” and then purposely switch to thinking about better things. It’s not her right to police how you carry yourself.

Quite frankly the SIL and the cousins wife who helpfully shared the cow comment are really not worth your headspace. See them when you have to, rise above the juvenile mean girl when it arises - and don’t seek their approval.

I have read your updates. Honestly I would totally forget about your SlL or at least put it to the back of your mind.

Regardless of what she says about you the rest of the family will make up there own mind so treat them and include them as you have done. Welcome then into your home if they have welcomed you.

Your SIL will just end up looking like the immature one in all this if you rise above it all, don't engage in her nonsense and most of all stop seeking her approval because you don't need it.

There is an old saying which states that "what others think about you is none of your business". There is actually an element of truth in this.

You shouldn't have to ask your fiance to defend you; he should be doing this on his own and without hesitation. Especially now that it's clearly bullying behaviour on his sister's part.

I wouldn't marry into a family like that if your husband to be clearly doesn't have a spine and the ability to shut inappropriate, bullying behaviour down or make it clear that neither of you will be having anything to do with people who treat you like that.

Good luck, OP.

People who pride themselves on being "brutally honest" are nearly always using it as an excuse to be be unpleasant and rude and bully others to get their own way. It's not a character trait to admire and aspire to OP. Same as the SiL 'authentic self" crap is exactly that, crap. It's saying she won't adapt or change her behaviour to accommodate others and make them feel comfortable, which is actually a good and kind thing to do.

Ditto "clannish" isn't a compliment. You obviously see something in this family dynamic that your own background lacked (the informality and the extended network of people) but to an observer it sounds dysfunctional and suffocating. Your fiance will be used to it so unless he's very robust he won't see you being treated badly.

Be careful in your interactions with them as you can't trust people like this. The comment after dinner shows that having no filter is normal to them. What that means is anything you say will be repeated to others, probably being twisted or misunderstood along the way, especially if SiL has anything to do with it.. I'd really suggest taking a little step back here as it won't help your self esteem.

Your SIL is a mean girl and mean girls only respond to mean girl behaviour - tell her to fuck off and grow up or tell her she's pathetic and to quit bitching about you to others when she doesn't even know you.

She sound jealous tbf

this! Not to psychoanalyse but it sounds like you found your childhood so hard that you've internalised that because your background was bad then the direct opposite must be good. Whereas from most people from a more moderate background would probably find your DH's family a bit OTT and intense, and dislike the 'we say it as we find it' posturing.

You sound lovely (albeit yes the people pleasing does stand out even from your posts), your SIL sounds like a right cow. The fact that so many people, both your own friends and hers/third parties clearly do like you, tends to suggest it's a 'her' problem. Perhaps she's envious of you in some way, or perhaps she just liked being the main girl in her db's life, or perhaps she's just not very nice - either way I would stop this relentless worrying about why she doesn't like you and accept she doesn't, and try to firstly cut down on how often you see her, and then, when you do have to interact, give her as little headspace as possible . From the examples you've given, it doesn't sound as though the rest of the family agree with her, and they were probably rolling their eyes at the 'horrendous' twatting about.

You don't have to ask your DH to make a big deal out of sticking up for you, or devolve into 'arguments' and 'taking sides,' - just maybe ask if she did something else like that to not ignore it. i.e. he doesn't have to kick off and shout "Don't speak to my wife like that!" but just a look and "what are you on about, sis, why are you being so weird acting like horrendous is a posh word?' Essentially just make her feel a bit silly rather than being silent and complicit in bullying.

I used to be a massive people pleaser like you. My dad had similar traits to your mum with added Bipolar Disorder thrown in (not sure what they call that nowadays).

CBT and meditation have worked wonders for me. It taught me that I have the right to be respected, as I respect others and that I don't have to internalise every criticism people make of me.

Has your SIL done anything to show that she somehow has all the answers about how things should be in life? Probably not!

She's not the boss of the family. You have the right to be there. You have been chosen to be in the family by your Df.

Every time she makes you feel like that imagine sticking your fingers up at her. Inner strength will come from that and you'll soon see that she loses power over you.

Oh OP, I can totally share your pain. I have a SIL exactly like yours!! She has constantly made digs about both me and DH (her brother) and sent some really nasty abusive messages. Then, if either of us react, she acts like she is the injured party. The rest of the family are all scared of her, so they don't stand up to her. I recently cracked and fought back (I am also normally a people pleaser) and now I am apparently the worst person ever.

Anyway, reading some of these messages has also really helped me. My natural reaction is to feel bad about upsetting someone, but I have to remember that she is only upset about being called out, and not because she has any genuine remorse.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with the toxic SIL!!

It can be SO frustrating when someone just does not understand you, ten times so when you explain and they are still pigheaded. I hope you don't feel the need to explain yourself further. She sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder, it's not worth it in the long run. It sounds like your husband is very supportive of you at least.

I think she's actually bullying you and she doesn't believe for one minute that you're fake/stuck up but has alighted on it as a means to bash you and possibly has realised it gets to you so that is spurring her on (unfortunately the letter may have given her ammunition rather than context). I think the only way to deal with it is to grey rock her, avoid as much as possible but be civil. Keep being friendly and your usual self with the family members you like and I think it'll all blow over.

Maybe if you feel you can't ask your fiancé to defend you, you could just say to him "this is upsetting me a bit now - how do you think we should deal with it?" or something similar. Get his feelings on it in a neutral way while also pointing out it is "we" as in you and him. I'd be furious if my sibling was treating my partner this way.

Being a people pleaser is not easy and I admire you for the efforts that you have made. The trouble with a large, intertwined and vocal family is that the outspokenness and SIL’s lack of acceptance of anyone different is the flip side of the warm, welcoming clan nature. I would find it exhausting.
Have any of them, as well as telling you what she said, gone back and told SIL she is wrong about you?