SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

You don’t have to explain to this rude poster either—this is what I meant by advising you not to JADE. People who ask bitchy questions like that poster are spoiling for a fight, not looking for a discussion. It was obvious what you meant. Saying “my experience at school led me to be cautious “ did not imply anything about other schools or other students. It was not an insult to others and you don’t have to accept that frame.

Stop, drop, roll away from these interactions before going into a submissive posture. You can’t make yourself small enough or submissive enough for these people. Stop, withdraw internally, evaluate your options, then just say calmly “did you mean to be so rude/abrupt?” Then wait. If people honestly are curious about your experience then tou will feel safe sharing with them. If you are oversharing to placate them—don’t bother. They will just use it against you.

She sounds horrible OP. I'm really angry on your behalf. Going to a private primary may be considered 'posh' but that has absolutely no correlation to being 'fake' or 'two faced'...and being reserved is a personality trait (and a much nicer one than being unfairly judgemental and saying mean things about people like your sister in law). Speaking your mind is fine, saying unpleasant things when there is no need to isn't fine, it's being a bitch.

You don't have to apologise or explain decisions that your parents made about your primary schooling when you were a young child. It has no bearing on your life now and certainly none on your sister in laws. You don't have to justify your personality type - you might not have been best of friends but that doesn't mean that she has to talk shit about you to anyone that will listen. And your husband doesn't have to 'explain' you to anyone - that comes across as there is something like a mistake that needs to be explained away. There is a difference in expecting people to stick up for you no matter what / involve themselves in arguments that are nothing to do with them even when the person they are defending is being unreasonable...and actually staying silent when someone attacks the person that you love. As staying silent in some cases implies that you agree. So he should be calling her out (trying to pick on you for using a common word) or sheltering you from it i.e. stopping seeing her until she can behave. Her behaviour is actually bullying you. It sounds like he is watching you get bullied and trying to explain to his sister why you don't deserve to be bullied, rather than focusing on her awful behaviour

Having been in this situation before, your SIL will
never warm up to you and will continue to badmouth you behind your back any opportunity she gets. Eventually you might start to become influenced by their manner of ‘honesty’ and start to change your personality to be more like them. It won’t be a change for the better. You are fine as you are. Bullies zero in on people like you, they have a radar for those that their tactics work on. And she’s a bully. There’s nothing admirable about her. Forget about trying to win her over, you can’t, and you shouldn’t waste any energy in trying. If you marry into this family then go into it knowing what it is you’re marrying into. You’ll have to be strong and secure in who you are. I suggest you read a book called Codependency for Dummies which deals with people pleasing. It helped me a lot anyways.

I agree, writing an explanatory letter is oversharing and just gives SIL more information and ammunition against OP.

Where is your DP in all this? If he's been present for even one of her comments, I'd expect him to have stepped in and handed his sister her arse.
If you've told him about any of the things she's said, I'd expect the same.

Oh, OP, I feel you but honestly I think your SIL is projecting on some level, especially if all the people in her friend group hate the same thing(s). Or she’s jealous.
Sounds very Mean Girls and pathetic to me. She’s best ignored and I agree, people who pass on other people’s opinion on you are kinda dumb, if not intentionally cruel. Other people’s opinions of you aren’t your business!

Exactly this, you sound such a lovely person OP you deserve so much better than becoming entrenched in this wretched ill mannered family.

@Rhypo Just wanted to massively echo what others have said - you owe her no explanation and the way she is acting is 100% her issue. Grey rock her, be polite and just keep living your life. She is a bully. It is nice that you can admire her traits that you see as different to yours, honesty and ability to be straight up, but she absolutely isn’t extending you the same courtesy!

She will probably see your efforts to open up and “explain” yourself as further evidence of being a people pleaser which she clearly takes issue with.

Like you, I tend to be polite and agreeable and I am friendly but can be a bit reserved initially with others if I don’t feel safe. I didn’t have any childhood trauma or backstory - just who I am. And people can like it or lump it tbh 😂

In your shoes I would be wanting my fiance to be telling her to STFU. Has he done this?

Hmm. Maybe you SHOULD have a problem with this? You sound like a perfectly nice, normal person, despite how manipulative your mother was. None of what you describe sounds like your fault for being a certain way. Everything that you describe sounds like your future SIL being a massive bitch and the wider family being roughly the same.

I take it that they are more working class than you are? I wonder if your internalised feelings of class shame (that they have been helping along) are holding you back from saying to yourself "Dammit I IAM better than Rhonda"?

Rhonda is a bitch. Muriel, who told you that Rhonda said you were stuck up, is ALSO a bitch - possibly even more of a bitch, because she's a SNEAKY bitch. Your partner does not think that they are in the wrong in any way, and has signalled to you that he will never have your back. YOU have signalled back that because of your complex childhood, you will never explicitly ASK him to have your back (lucky for him, right?).

Honestly, I would say you can do better than this shower.

Not because they're rough and you're posh, but because they're not very NICE and you ARE nice. Get the class thing out of your head, and see them as just unpleasant.

Op, I think this is horrible and your sil sounds like a complete witch.

I think some people use this idea of not tolerating fakeness/ need to be honest in order to kind of bully and intimidate and to get away with just plain being mean because they want to be.

I understand you not wanting to ask your dh to defend you but in truth I don't think you should have to. I think he should have known to go to sil off his own bat and shut that shit down straight away. I can't imagine tolerating my family being horrible to someone I loved and cared about.

In terms of sil, I would think if it as her showing herself up every time she makes a snide comment about you.

Her behaviour is very childish so tbh I would treat it as such. If she said something rude about me in front of me I'd simply ask her "that was unkind. Why did you feel the need to say that about me." Or "I'm not sure I understand your comment could you explain it?" It's a mature and reasonable way to put the spotlight on her, to make her reflect on what she's doing and to gently let her know it's not cool and you won't tolerate it. Do this every single time and eventually she'll stop.

Stop giving her the power in this scenario. Be nice, but not gushing and be you. It's all her problem.

I would rise above it, but that is probably because I am more stuck up and snobby than you are!

Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it. You don’t have to be best buddies with these people. Just be polite to them whilst thinking ‘fuck off’ in your head. That is the joy of being fake, you can avoid the drama of keeping it real.

What does your fiancé say about her (is it his sister or SIL) and her gobby ways?

@Rhypo I may be being dense, but can you explain what you meant by "I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school".... I'm not getting the only child bit's relevance?

Do you have a wide and supportive network of friends and colleagues already OP? Focus on these. All interactions should be polite and kind - anything less is bullying - always surround yourself with people who respect you and share the same values - also always remove yourself from the presence of people who less than that. They NEVER change. Get worse with age.

Op you need to develop a spine here. This is tough love not said to be unkind. You shouldn't have to ask your fiancé to defend you. He just should. If I found out a family member was bitching about my partner or mocking them I'd go nuclear

What I’m basically hearing OP is that your SIL is a rough old fishwife, and she’s picking on you because you aren’t as skanky as she is. This is all sounding like an episode of Shameless, or possibly This Country (is her name Big Mandy by any chance?)

Run. No matter how nice your fiancé is, his family are fucking diabolical.

You need to learn to be extremely candid and brutally honest with your sil. She’s a bitch with a chip on her shoulder who has no qualms in making people feel as insecure as she clearly does herself…. That should do it 🤣.

My partner of 20 years won't let me near his family cause of how they are. They were unkind to his brothers girlfriend. They say and do things that are judgemental or they think they can look down on you. The op is too trusting anyone can do what they want with her and she will try and win them over regardless. Op where is your self worth and respect of your feelings and mental health. Your partner would rather stay in a toxic loop rather than challenge them and protect you. Op you deserve more than this bunch of say it like it is idiots.

If they're all "brutally candid" how come no one is calling SIL out for being such a bitch?

This. At a minimum have a response prepared for the next time this shit is levelled at you.

"Bless, well SIL thinks that anyone who uses words of more than two syllables is posh/stuck up/a cow" and move on.

Alternatively "Did she ?.......... hard stare. I hope you can reassure her I don't spend my Christmases at Sandringham?"

Your fiancé's response to you standing up for yourself is also one to watch so you are not marrying into a relationship where you become the whipping boy at every family occasion or ridiculed because you make your children use cutlery.

He shouldn't need asking

Just avoid her

And get yourself to a counsellor.

You need to be able to see what a cow she is and how to deal with her

And NO MORE LETTERS! Stop giving her ammunition

People like that don't do it to their own only outsiders get it.

If i were you, I'd be thinking 'you not liking me is your problem and not my problem'.

Fk em, you can't please everyone, just do your best and leave it as that. At family gatherings, just stay away from her.

Don't overshare anymore info with her. She'll take it and use it against you, if she hasn't already. You don't have to explain yourself and you don't need your boyfriend to defend you.