Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

I assume he thanked you for the money when you gave it to him? If so, there was nothing to thank you for at the party, which was their celebration, and paid for by the in-laws. I'm not sure what you think you should have been thanked for, really

The wedding is the time for thanking both sets of parents for bringing them up and making them the people they are, not the engagement party.

Well, the Bride's family paid for it so that's where the thanks were due.

Yes it would have been nice for him to have mentioned you, but as he said, it's not his wedding speech.

Don't make an issue out of it. You are heading into the lower foothills of MIL/DIL madness.

Thanked you for what? He was thanking the other set of parents for paying for the party.

YABU a bit. You gave a small token gift and turned up like regular guests. Sorry.

What did you expect him to thank you for?

What exactly did you do for the engagement party which required thanks?

What’s the “long story”? If nothing more to this, YABU. He thanked them for the party which they paid for. You attended as a guest and I assume he thanked you for the engagement gift?

He should thank you for being his parents/support bla bla bla in the wedding speech, regardless of if whether you contributed to the wedding.

But if the brides family are funding the wedding too, don’t be surprised if their mention in his groom speech is more emphatic than that for you….. it’s just the economics of it, not a reflection of how he values you as his parents.

I was at a family wedding this year where one set of parents paid for most of it. The grooms speech was glorious in its thanks and love for both sets of parents but special mention was given to one set of parents whose funds had it made it possible. Everyone was having fun on their dollar, so I thought that was fair. No one was offended.

I’m not sure what you wanted thanking for in the scenario

I don’t really see the issue. It’s definitely not worth getting worked up about.

He did thank us when we gave them the money. We brought a card to the party and I bank transferred them the money the day after the party but from the looks of it they got a lot of money from other guests too.

He is right it wasn’t a full on wedding speech but I still feel we got a bit snubbed. Everyone was given a glass of champagne and he got emotional and said he loved everyone and thanks for coming and bringing the presents. He thanked DIL for agreeing to marry him and then he thanked her family for paying and planning for the whole party. I just felt completely cut out and like he could have thanked us for everything we have done for him. Not even the money which was just a small token.

I did try to help with the party as I said I could go up and help decorate and put confetti and balloons out and he just kept telling me no thanks it was sorted they’d hired people for that. It feels like it was highlighted they paid for this big fancy do and we did nothing even though I tried and also suggested an engagement meal after they got engaged but then the party got planned.

It sounds like you’re more upset the inlaws planned and funded the party and you weren’t included in the preparations. He couldn’t have thanked you for a bank transfer he didn’t receive until the following day?

Was a bank transfer of £75 what they asked for, as a gift? It just seems a bit cold and transactional. Plus, there's not an awful lot you can buy with that these days.

I messsged them a few weeks before the party saying there was no point in getting them a gift we would just give them money and they kept saying don’t be silly we don’t need a gift we just want you to celebrate with us. I told them I was giving it to them and they said thank you and also thanks when I sent it. The in laws didn’t get them anything as the party was their engagement present.

Are you feeling a bit like you will soon be losing your son and you want a bit of reassurance? It sounds like you are feeling a bit left out. I can understand that.

Leave it a couple of weeks, calm down, and invite them for a celebratory meal.

Be the type of parents they WANT to be around, not the type that need pandering to.

So you didn't even give them money until AFTER the party?

You didn't do anything to warrant thanks at the party. He thanked everyone for coming, his wife-to-be for becoming his wife and the people who paid. You'll get your gushing "thanks for being my mother" at the wedding.

Get over yourself

It would have cost him nothing to acknowledge and thank his parents, and if I were a guest I’d be mildly surprised that he made no mention of his own family. So YANBU, and at an occasion like this, yes, it was an oversight on his part to not say something - not to do with the £75 but because it was an occasion of significance in the family. I’d be saddened if it were me.

No, you're being totally unreasonable sorry.

@SleepPrettyDarling what was he supposed to say? ‘Thanks to PIL for throwing this party and thanks to my parents for showing up’ ??

Try not to compete with the in-laws. It makes for nothing but unhappiness. Be happy that your son has a lovely fiancée.

Your future DIL’s parents threw an engagement party in honor of their daughter and her soon-to-be husband. You were asked to come enjoy the evening and celebrate with them as a guest. The guests of honor publicly thanked the hosts specifically for making the party happen and the guests collectively for attending, and talked about how excited he was to marry his fiancée. This is all incredibly normal and reasonable.

Your reaction suggests there are underlying feelings of insecurity or competitiveness here. Are your future in-laws more well off than you? Are you a mum with no daughters (or none who chose a traditional wedding) and wishing for a chance to be a mother of the bride?

I would have been upset too op

a little acknowledgment to his own mum and dad wouldn’t have gone a miss

i don’t know anyone in rl (and don’t forget mumsnet is not) who wouldn’t be upset

Oh OP I think you will find the wedding is the time for big emotional speeches, I’m sorry you’re feeling sad though.

it was an engagement party, not a wedding.

You were there as a guest, like the others, he thanked all the guests for coming. That included you.

you offered to go & decorate the venue, but they already had other plans in place.

you need to address the actual issue here. They're not including you at the planning stage, why might that be??

Yes this is exactly how I feel. It’s not about our gift even if we had given £20000. It’s the fact he thanked the in laws and not even us. It was embarrassing and I felt so cut out. He could have said thanks to my parents for everything you’ve done for me I love you. He didn’t need to mention our gift but to not mention us at all was humiliating.

Get over yourself, OP.
You are starting to sound like a very dreary and needy MiL.