Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

could be thanks mum and dad without actually saying anything more doesn’t have to be thanks or isn’t it great ‘fiancée name’ is part of our family now

just something a passing mention the op isn’t just another guest is she and neither is her husband/partner

op you will get a hard time on here because some love nothing better than to kick someone when they are feeling down/upset and the sheep will follow but think about your family and friends and I am quite certain no one you know in real life wouldn’t have felt upset even if just a little over this and I don’t know anyone who would reply with get over yourself (thankfully I have nice friends)

They thanked you for the money when you gave it them.

That thanked her parents for the party at the party, so when the gift of the party was given to them.

I don't see the problem, both sides were thanked at the appropriate time.

You'll push your son away if you behave like this.

Op you didn't do anything. Yes you offered but you still didn't.

You sound jealous that his new in-laws are able to offer such extravagant things and you're taking it out on your son. You will push him away from you and closer to them. He's done nothing wrong, everything yorie imagining in your head about feeling embarrassed is a second hand emotion you have pushed on to him for not being thanked when really your issue is that you were embarrassed you didn't pay for it or have any reason to be thanked.

Get over yourself you sound like a nightmare.

If you sent over the money the day after the party I guess he could have thanked you for the card you turned up with.

op you will get a hard time on here because some love nothing better than to kick someone when they are feeling down/upset and the sheep will follow

Telling someone who posts on AIBU that they do indeed seem unreasonable is not kicking someone. And your name calling towards people who don’t agree with you says maybe you’re not in a position to lecture anyone about niceness.

“ I’m not trying to involve myself at all here”

really? Really??

”When they said they were having a party I was talking about it and son kept saying to me it’s not going to be like that, we’re not having a party like that”

“I tried to help as I said with the decorations”

“and I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people ”

“If he has let me help then he could have thanked me for the help at least- I don’t know what else I could have done!”

OP, you absolutely were trying to involve yourself in this party! Be honest!

Your idea of how the party should be didn’t align with your son & future DiL’s plans; you made offers to do the decorations; you felt it necessary to make repeated guest recommendations; in the end of the day you wanted to be thanked for the help you offered but which wasn’t needed!

and still you say
“I’m not trying to involve myself at all here” 🙄

seriously, get a grip or you will ruin your future relationship with your son and daughter-in-law.

DCs appreciate what you have done for them once they have children of their own.
Also weddings seem to be parties for the couples friends nowadays,not a coming together of two families so tread lightly there with your suggestions of who to invite..

There are some pretty nasty posts on here towards the op

and calling people sheep for jumping on the nasty bandwagon

yes how nasty of me 🙄

Eh? I'm confused. What should he have thanked you for exactly?
The party the bride's family paid for?
Or the engagement gift - the likes of which they presumably received from everyone who attended?

He was obliged to say thanks to the bride's family at the party - because without them there would've been no party at all!

Think you're being a little oversensitive.

But how did you expect to help with the decorations if they had hired someone to do them? They obviously wanted something that looked professional, not a few balloons and confetti.

If you really wanted to be involved and you say there isn’t much wealth difference, why didn’t you offer to cover the cost of the decorations? Or the drinks/cake or whatever?

I know it's not the question but why 75 quid ? It's a very strange amount, why not round it up to 100 ?

Your ds obviously knew what kind of party it was going to be. He knew they hired in people, when this happens you don't come along asking to help with decorating.

Now, I'm thinking that you spoke previously about giving cash, you turned up with an empty card, they must have seen this and thought you weren't giving anything. Parents usually give the money before the event or you should have offered to pay for the cake.

But acknowledgement for what!?

Look at it another way: Thanking his parents for essentially just turning up would've totally diluted his thank you to her parents who'd actually paid for the party!

You are all not understanding me. I’m not bothered about not being thanked for the £75. Our son didn’t even know we had not put it in the card. We got there and people had all put presents and cards on a table so I put our card there and told my son. He didn’t open it or any of the other cards or presents at the party. I text the next day asking if he’d opened them yet and he said no. I explained we hadn’t put money in the card as didn’t feel safe and then sent it via bank transfer.

so he knew he was getting the money but hadn’t received it at the time of the speech so I couldn’t expect him to thank us for that obviously. I just expected to be included if her parents were.

You wanted to feel special, but this wasn't your turn.

Most people on the thread are understanding you perfectly. What you aren’t understanding is that there was no call to thank you on this occasion. It doesn’t all have to be equals pequals.

But you hadn't done anything special regarding the party

They had

It's not all about you no

You surely got to be kidding?

You gifted your son 75 pounds for the engagement and felt snubbed when he thanked you, along with all the presents they received, but acknowledged his fiance's family for their work and expense in your words "a very fancy and extravagant party".

This kind of party would have cost thousands, work and time to prepare. Your son did what's common sense, thanking and acknowledging his in laws for it.

I'm not trying to put you down. It may be that 75 pounds is all you could contribute. But he did acknowledge you with the gifts they received.

I just expected to be included if her parents were.

OP, in this case you and the parents weren’t in equal roles. They were the hosts of this very nice party and so your son (one of the guests of honor) singled them out for a specific thank you for that. You were a guest at this party, and were thanked with the guests. Frankly it would have been rude to the hosts to thank you equally.

Invite your DS and DD over or out for dinner. Ask them what you can do to support their wedding planning and listen to and respect what they say. Express enthusiasm to celebrate their upcoming marriage. Stop trying to play even stevens with your soon-DIL’s parents, it won’t lead anywhere good.

I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people...

...to the party you weren't hosting and didn't pay for. Love, you need to smile a nod a lot more.

Why not make your son a big badge for the wedding, so everyone is clear, that says "I still love my Mummy"

I just expected to be included if her parents were.

But her parents were included because they'd paid for the whole event. You understand that, right?

Wow, that was unnecessary.

We are understanding you OP. We are!

We are trying to tell you that YABU to think that it’s “embarrassing” for him not thanking you in the same way he thanked his in-laws. Because they did the organising and paying for the party.

We are trying to tell you that YABU to imply say he “snubbed you” and “completely cut [you] out”.

Your reaction to this isn’t normal. I’m sorry but it’s not normal at all.

Your DIL’s parents doing a generous thing isn’t a reflection on you. There should be no competition here. Just because they receive a thank you in the speech doesn’t mean you should too. Leave your son to acknowledge you in his wedding speech.

Please try and let this go. It’s not a big deal at all.

He was thanking them specifically for the party. It would have been more odd for him to mention you when you hadn’t done anything to be thanked for in that specific context.

Not unnecessary. Just a dose of reality when the OP doesn't seem to realise why her son specially acknowledged his in laws for their expense and efforts in making the engagement party, happen.