Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

Do not make his wedding about you. You're already at risk of getting off on the wrong foot and making yourself look petty. It'll be clear to him that your nose was firmly out of joint at the party, just sounds like whining. Let him get on with it and be gracious.

Sorry OP but you’re being really childish and petty here.

Why would you need thanking for a party if you had no involvement with planning or paying for it?

Did you not enjoy yourselves? You sound a very negative and selfish person.

I just felt completely cut out and like he could have thanked us for everything we have done for him.

Surely a speech where he thanks you for everything you have done for him will be at the actual wedding?

Thank them for what? Showing up?

Ouch

The op is sounding nothing of the sort

a simple few kind words of acknowledgment towards your loving parents is not being needy 🙄

Of course he thanked the in laws. They hosted the party so it would have been rude for him to not. Be proud you have raised a man with great manners! It would be a super weird speech if he'd said, "I'd like to raise a glass to my future in laws for hosting this lovely party. And to my Mum and Dad for the 75 quid".

Your update doesn’t help your case, OP. You are sounding very needy, which will only make your DS want to back off. Are you feeling pushed out?

He thanked the hosts for throwing the party. As he should. They are the ones who did the nice thing for the engaged couple. No additional thanks were needed.

If you need your son to make a public announcement at a party that he loves you, I think there’s more than just the party bothering you.

But he acknowledged all guests and thanked them for coming?

He only thanked the in-Laws because they actually paid for and planned the party.

Parents shouldn’t need to have public displays of acknowledgements from their kids to know they’re loved and appreciated. It’s so weird and selfish to expect it.

What exactly should he have thanked you for?

it wasn’t a wedding speech… he thanked the in-laws for organising the party. Good for you for raising a son with good manners.

I do have a daughter but she is already married as is my other son. I have been to their weddings so I’m not trying to involve myself at all here. I know how weddings go and I’m not jealous.

There isn’t much of a wealth difference between the two families but I am more old school and traditional. When they said they were having a party I was talking about it and son kept saying to me it’s not going to be like that, we’re not having a party like that. They had a lot of stuff at the party I’ve never even seen or knew existed! It was very fancy. I tried to help as I said with the decorations but they said they had hired people and I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people but other than that I was told not to help as it was sorted. If he has let me help then he could have thanked me for the help at least- I don’t know what else I could have done!

You attended the party as guests. I don’t know why you expected a special mention 🤔

As a mum of boys, I’m usually on the side of mother of the groom in this kind of scenario. In this case though I think you’re being dramatic for no reason.

It sounds like you're more worried / embarrassed about what other people must think of you, than upsetting your son.

I don’t know what else I could have done!

Put simply, you could back off.

Your help wasn’t needed. The in-laws-to-be had it covered. They didn’t need any help because they’d hired people to do it professionally.

There will be many things in their future life that you can help out with. This was not one of those.

You don’t need be involved in every stage; there will be other times when you and your son’s father are the ones they need.

Well maybe he could have mentioned you in his speech, but he didn't this time so it is time to move on and put it behind you.

Don't cause bad feelings about this very minor matter, nothing is going to change what happened and it is over. Even if you had an apology it won't change how you felt then because it's impossible to wind back time.

Making a big deal of this will only have negative consequences. Move on and throw yourself into the wedding excitement.

That happens at the wedding speeches!

The parents-in-law to be ORGANISED & PAID FOR the party- it’s only right that they be thanked for doing so. What exactly was he supposed to say about his mum & dad? Thanks for showing up??

It sounds to me like OP ‘s nose is out of joint that her future DiL’s parents paid for a “very extravagant and fancy” party and she & husband weren’t involved, except to be there as guests.

It’s petty and childish.

Times change OP.

Old school engagement would be at a house with buffet and wine/beer.

Your help wasn't needed because it wasn't old school.

Sometimes we've got to leave our old school way of thinking behind.

Weird that an emotional loving speech is made thanking in-laws (rightly so) thanking fiancée and guests and no acknowledgment is made to his parents

I would have thought that was strange and upsetting

give over no one on real life would think oh that’s ok I don’t mind I fine with my child not acknowledging me on this special occasion

OP, it was an engagement party for them. It will be their wedding. It is lovely to offer to help, but only if you’re doing it to support and celebrate them having the events they want. And if they don’t want or need help with organizing or hosting then the best way you can support them is to be a joyful guest.

It sounds like you’re really struggling not to make this all about you, and that’s the type of thing that will lead to you being pushed to more of a distance if you can’t work through it and change course. Your comment about them humiliating you is extremely dramatic.

Your son thanked the hosts of the party for throwing it and thanked the guests (you included) for attending. The couple also thanked you directly for your gift. That is perfect manners.

For God’s sake, what did you expect?
Son: “Thanks to my future in-laws for kindly hosting this party.
“Oh yeah, and, uh, thanks mum and dad for everything you’ve done for me.

“Oh yeah, and thanks future in-laws for everything you’ve done for me too. And… thanks for everything you’ve done for Kirsty, future in-laws. And thanks mum and dad, for everything you’ve done for her too…”

Get a grip.

Is he your youngest? I may be way off, but your post about the party being different from your traditional, old-school idea of a party - things you didn't expect and hadn't seen before - this seems to have touched a nerve for you, and I wonder whether you are struggling with your son being part of a different family culture now, and you feel left behind and rejected?

If so, that's a very normal and understandable feeling (I felt like that when mine went to university, even though I knew I was being absurd). I think you need to talk to someone in real life about it (a close friend, or DH?). Try to sort through exactly what it is that's bugging you, because I don't think it's just the party speech. Your son and his wife will find their own lifestyle and traditions, with bits of her family and bits of his, that's the natural order of things and it doesn't mean he's rejecting you. It's a tough transition for mothers when their children grow up and pull away, and I don't think we talk enough about those feelings. It's very easy to demonise older women rather than try to understand where they're coming from.

Acknowledgment of what, exactly?

no acknowledgment is made to his parents…
I would have thought that was strange and upsetting

Why?

The parents didn’t plan or pay for the party. Why would they need an acknowledgment? It’s not the actual wedding ffs.

give over no one on real life would think oh that’s ok I don’t mind I fine with my child not acknowledging me on this special occasion

It was an engagement party. Not the actual wedding speeches.

I think a lot (well the majority) of people on this thread wouldn’t expect a public acknowledgment from their child for just showing up to a party.

Very good advice ☝️
@Whoisunreasonable I have an adult son, and one has to be quite 'careful' definitely don't be seen as too 'clingy'.

Try and get on as well as you can with his girlfriend/future wife.
It is different for mothers of sons, as the girl always wants to see and do stuff with her parents, and the husband {your son} will be expected to follow along.

I do wonder with all the MIL 'hate' on Mumsnet if women realise that they too could well become MILS if they have sons.

The old jokes used to be about men not liking their MILS- but the difficulties seem to be much more about wives detesting MILS for some reason {according to the myriad threads on here!}

It's clear that you felt cut out of the party arrangements, OP, and that this thing didn't seem to have anything to do with you. It seems like your feelings are hurt because you wanted to help the couple celebrate their engagement - but all the help they wanted from you was to be there for them.

It's actually fine, you know. You were there for them, which is all they wanted!

Letting your nose get out of joint because this particular party didn't require Mum's decorations is a bit mad, tbh. It's like getting upset that you didn't set the table for a meal they had at a restaurant 😄 They had caterers who were getting paid to do all that!

So it was a party, it was very important to DS that you attended, and you did. He thanked everyone that made an effort to be there, including you. It's all good.

If you still feel like you want to be more involved in their engagement later on - maybe after Xmas - take them out for a special dinner. Maybe even include the in-laws, to thank them for the lovely party.

I bank transferred them the money the day after the party.......He could have said thanks to my parents for everything you’ve done for me I love you. He didn’t need to mention our gift but to not mention us at all was humiliating.

Did he thank the in laws for everything they had done for him and say their daughter loved them? No. He thanked them for the party. At that point you had not provided a gift. Generally it is polite to give a gift in advance or at an event - not the day after. He had nothing to thank you for. I imagine had you given them a gift he may have mentioned it, however he was thanking them for the party.

I’m not trying to involve myself at all here......I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people

You are not involving yourself yet you dictated the guest list to your son?

I told them I was giving it to them and they said thank you and also thanks when I sent it.

My (normally amazing) MIL does this and it drives me insane. She will tell you she is giving you something many times in advance, then take a while to give it. Sometimes she has then not given it at all. Its like she wants multiple thanks and gratitude from you and holds it over your head. I now refuse to say thank you until she gives something as it irks me. I will say "oh right, ok" and then only thank her once its arrived. If you want to give something then just give it. Before an event.

"Thank you everyone for coming, I love you all. Thank you Betty for being my wife. Thank you Betty's mum and dad for paying and organising this even. Thank you mum and dad for the money you've promised to send at some point and especially to mum for not backing off and getting the hint the first 100 times I said she didn't need to fanny about with balloons and confetti as it was sorted"