Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

“ I just expected to be included if her parents were.”

But by your own account he only thanked her parents for the party. Did you expect him to thank you for the party too? 🤷🏼‍♀️

or is it actually that you felt the need to be validated in front of the assembled guests, (particularly the ones you felt compelled to remind him to invite, to a party you weren’t even hosting).

This party was theirs and it was generously hosted by her parents (including your extra guests) and you are now smarting from some imagined sense of rejection that you didn’t get what you perceived to be your deserved place in the limelight.

This doesn’t look good, OP.

Thanked you for what? Thevbrides family paid for the whole event not you! As he said himself it wasn't a wedding speech, youve embarrased yourself there

I really don't know why you're going on about being thanked. For what?

He thanked his in laws as they paid for the whole thing. You did not.

This is an over reaction on your part OP . Hopefully it hasn’t tarnished the memories of a lovely event for your son and future DIL. It is meant to be a happy time for them.

It wasn't the actual wedding so there is no need to feel embarrassed or slighted you weren't thanked for being his parents. He just had the good manners to acknowledge the generosity of them paying for it.

Look at it this way, if it had been a birthday party for your son organised and paid for by his partner and at the end of the party your son stood up, thanked everyone for attending his lovely birthday party, bringing lively gifts etc. and ended by thanking his wonderful, generous partner for organising and paying for the event you wouldn't be offended would you? Or would you expect to be mentioned in these circumstances?

i feel like its not going in....

HER PARENTS WERE THANKED BECAUSE THEY PLANNED, PAID FOR AND HOSTED A BEAUTIFUL ''FANCY'' ENGAGEMENT PARTY FOR YOUR SON AND DIL

If anything I feel like, I too would of thanked her parents for throwing such a beautiful event in honour of my child

Not every event needs an oscar acceptance speech, for goodness' sake. Most people don't even have an engagement party. Save your vitriol for when the canapés at the wedding don't match your fascinator.

What you could have done is not to try to interfere. Your son would probably have appreciated that.

…

…really?

…are… are you serious?

Well, the reverse that I expected hasn’t appeared. So we’ll just warm up the spot that the DIL is going to need for the inevitable “nightmare MIL” thread.

Anyone see the recent thread about the MIL not being thanked at the wedding, then the hand holding talking to… did that descend into a broken microphone or am I mixing up recent wedding threads? Weddings are real good value for AIBU.

Side story. At my first wedding, I begged my new DH to NOT name anyone in his thank you speech because I’ve seen too many go wrong!

This stood out to me too. You insisted he invites people to a party hosted by the in laws? You have no place to add people to the guest list unless asked to. That includes to the wedding.

Your being a drama lama…

Sounds like he thanked his bride to be…. Normal and her parents for paying for the party.

Im not sure why you’re so unhappy…. I suppose he should have thanked his family for attending … but that would be a strange comment

I didnt know people still had engagement parties! I thought they died a death in the 80's. Especially given how few engaged couples actually make it to the altar!

When they said they were having a party I was talking about it and son kept saying to me it’s not going to be like that, we’re not having a party like that.

I tried to help as I said with the decorations but they said they had hired people

I did try to help with the party as I said I could go up and help decorate and put confetti and balloons out and he just kept telling me no thanks it was sorted they’d hired people for that.

To be frank, OP, it sounds like you’re rather embarrassed. You kept insisting on coming over to put out balloons and confetti as if it was a child’s birthday party while they were planning an elegant engagement party.

The thing is, he told you plainly that they were not having a quaint DIY party like you were suggesting. He actually said things like “It’s not going to be like that, we’re not having that type of party.” I’m not sure how much clearer he could have made it. He talked about the people that had been hired to decorate. Surely it was apparent that it would be “fancy.”

You shouldn’t let your embarrassment turn into indignation though. His future in-laws hosted a lovely party for them. He thanked them graciously, as he should. Yes, you offered to help, but you didn’t offer anything that was needed or wanted. The real speeches will be at the wedding, when he will talk about you and your husband. The in-laws will likely help pay for the wedding as well and it will probably also be grander than you thought. Now you are prepared though, so you can sit back and let them ask for help if they need it. And don’t offer to hang paper streamers at their wedding, that’s clearly not their vibe.

They hosted a party and the engagement was the focus of the party. He made a fuss of a bride and thanked the hosts 🤷.

What was he thanking you for ? I don't understand.

At that point he didn't know about the 75. Plus was he suppose to thank everyone who gave them a gift individually?
But he obviously had to thank his in laws as they paid/sorted the party .
Why would you make it all about you ?

Not everyone is great at speeches. His was very short and to the point, it doesn't sound like he'd put a lot of thought into preparing something beforehand. He was probably nervous, emotional, unaware of what (you consider to be) the 'done thing' is having, presumably, not had to stand up and speak at his own engagement party before. Let it go.

He thanks the people Who were responsible for the party. He didn’t thank you because you had nothing to do with the financing and planning.
you are being unfair to your son here, and you are sounding hard work to be honest. If you don’t stop you’ll be excluded from the wedding planning too.

"He thanked everyone" does that not include you?
I don't think £75 would have hone very far really. He's saying thanks to them for organising it all.

Well he was thanking her parents for paying and organising. He’s right, it wasn’t a wedding speech. I don’t know what you wanted him to stand there and say in regards to you? Wedding speech yes, this was thanking them for paying for the party.

OP i think you are looking at this from a wrong perspective. Her parents decided to throw them a party and pay for it…it is different when you are organising your own party and pay for everything, than when you are being “gifted” a party (even when they got to choose what they like etc). How could he include you if it wasnt him organising it? “Hey mom-in-law, i know this party is a nice gesture and gift to us but I want my mom to help getting it ready even though you will be paying for it and it was your idea” ???

if his future wife throws him a birthday party…do you expect him to thank you as well for anything? Because essentially it is just a party, its not a wedding.

Why are making their engagement party all about you?

And thank you for what?

YABU. Very kindly please listen to a huge majority of the replies saying this. You were included in the general thanks he gave. He sounds like a lovely young man. He thanked his in-laws specifically for the party which will have been a lot of money and time in planning. Not just saying let’s have a meal together and then sending a monetary gift. It’s not the same. You can’t compare your contribution which is what you’re doing and saying you should be singled out too. You know what they say about comparison. Remember that and be happy you have a new member of the family. He had no reason to single you or your family out for thanks at the engagement party. I’m sure he will at the wedding which is about your life together raising him. But maybe if you want to be equal you can take this opportunity to get in touch with your in-laws to be and offer to pay for half the wedding as they’ll likely be paying for that too. That way you can have equal thanks for that at the wedding.

OP: ‘am I being unreasonable?’
95%: ‘YES! Calm down!’
OP: ‘but I’m really not unreasonable because….’
96%: ‘you really really are’
OP: ‘but you’re not understanding me, poor me’

@Whoisunreasonable politely, you need to be a bit more flexible with your thinking. Your help won’t be asked for and required with all, or even many, aspects of this wedding. If kids come along, your help or way of doing things may not be needed then.
Respectfully, if you want to maintain any sort of decent relationship with your son and DIL to be, you need to respect that they don’t want to do things your way (see inviting people on your say-so, balloons and confetti, etc) and give them the space they are entitled to, as adults, to pave their own way.

The alternative is that you are known as ‘overbearing mummy’ and the time spent together will dwindle.

Smile, be supportive, in your words and actions but know when to take the hint.

The party wasn’t your ‘thing’, it was theirs, hosted by the in laws. It sounds like you’re hurt about the fact that the in laws paid for it and you weren’t given the chance to contribute in any alternative way. Even though that hurts, you need to be an adult about it and move on to avoid pushing them away further.

I’m keen to hear more about the party! Sounds like it would have been fun for those that attended. 😁