Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

Look at the positives. You only had to spend £75 unlike the in-laws who probably spent a massive amount. And you didn't have to help out either.

Also, your son may not be the perfect public speaker, got flustered and nervous and forgot to include you in his speech. I would certainly be capable of this.

Just move on.

This. Let it go OP, it was an engagement party not the actual wedding.

Yes did you thank them OP?

And the reply wasn’t

I really hope DS does not share your conversation with DIL. It is really petty to make it about your feelings, and what you want,and are used to. You're put a downer on a lovely occassion for DS. DIL will not be impressed. You also sound a bit snide about the "fancy" party. It's what they wanted. You aren't looking good here. Please take notice of what people are saying - your relationship with DIL and DS will be so much better for it.

YABU.
He thanked you and everyone else for coming, he thanked anyone who brought a gift and the thanked his future in-laws for hosting the party.

One more time, it’s not about you.

But you didn’t do anything at the party that required thanks.
The wedding will be different of course, but the engagement party was paid for and sorted by her parents, so why would he thank you?
“Thank you to Bob and Sue for putting on this wonderful party for us… and thanks to Mum and Dad… for turning up.”

Its not the wedding speech yet, chill out a bit.

Thank you for what? You just wanted thanking for being his parents at a party not about you.

It's a party to celebrate his fiance agreeing to marry him, obviously it was about her. He thanked her parents because they paid for the party.

Honestly I think.you need to battle these feelings. You feel left out and not special and you're annoyed about that and have complained to him. I cannot stress enough that it is not about you. There are going to be lots of things that aren't about you and make you feel left out and not special as his life goes on. Marriage and babies. If you make it about you and try to center yourself in these things and complain when he doesn't make you feel special, you'll get pushed out.

You are not a main character in his life, you play a minor supporting role now.

Thanked you for what? Turing up? They acknowledged that the brides family had a significant financial contribution to the party- you didn't. Would have been stranger to have you acknowledged as that point.

I also noticed that you didn’t just put your card on the table with the gifts you had to go and tell your son that you’d put it there, and text him next morning to ask if he’d opened it yet.
A simple card really doesn’t warrant that level of fussing

You didn't help with the party. You're being very childish. If you were left out the wedding speech that's a different matter

Are you saying that my response stating that particular PPs response was cruel and unnecessary, was cruel and unecessary?
What are you talking about?
Or do you think it's ok to ask an upset woman is she's woken up to realise she's a twat, which is what I said was cruel and uneccesary.
Please clarify

This

@ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood I don't think that comment was to the OP. It was to someone who made a rude comment.

For goodness sake, give over!! You did absolutely nothing to be thanked for regarding their engagement party!! Be honest...you are simply feeling embarrassed by this because the brides parents paid for it! 🤷‍♀️

Ouch.

Yes, me too. What could all these fancy things have been that op had never known existed?
Sounds marvellous.

Her parents were included in speeches and thanked because they funded and organised the party. You did not, you showed up as a guest. There was nothing to thank you for, it wasn't a wedding speech.

You're being really unreasonable here in all honesty.

I get what you’re saying OP but if he thanks the in laws for paying for the party then thanks you for “everything you’ve done for him” then to me that just really highlights that the in-laws paid for the party and you didn’t. It’s very obviously a token gesture.

You’ll get the full on speech at the wedding.

It was to the reply. I quoted the reply in my post. Maybe read it back

Honestly OP it does sound like you’re a bit sneering about your DIL to be and her parents ‘they’re not like us they’re all fancy and extravagant. It’s like reverse snobbery because he didn’t want cheese and pineapple , a few sausage rolls and Clinton's balloons in the village hall.

And your comment I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people

It wasn’t your party so it’s not down to you to ‘remind’ dictate to him who should be in the guest list.

I can sort of get you feeling left out of the arrangements but this isn’t about you. This is about the happy couple and what they wanted.

Have to say I’m curious about the things you’ve never seen before and the fancy things you didn’t know existed? The mind boggles

What did you do? (bar sound very judgey about their fancy party, full of frippery you didn’t even know existed…) What would they thank you for? You’ve a heap of shock coming towards you with the wedding celebrations, they don’t sound like they want warm vol au vents in a village hall…

The in laws laid on the party that presumably the soon to be newly weds wanted. So they thanked them for it. Nothing wrong here.

You are clearly miffed the party was not what you would have chosen - but it’s not your engagement and they didn’t want your style of party/decor etc

ask them what you can help with when it comes to the wedding. Don’t offer what you want then be sore when they don’t want that.

It shows very poor manners and very little class not to embrace both sets of parents regardless of who pays for what in a wedding.
And just because you have money does not mean you have breeding or elegance or refinement. Or good taste.
Take a look at Elon and Mae Musk if you need examples. Or take, for example, anyone with whom they choose to keep company of late.
You know, I thought everyone knew that you include both families during wedding celebrations - evidently I’m in the minority, which is just about the saddest thing I’ve realised lately.

Is there? Like what? I don't see this situation as particularly nuanced. I think this is one of the few times it's very black and white:
In-laws paid = So he thanked them
Parents attended = So he didn't 🤷‍♀️

Seems fairly cut and dried to me.