Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

I feel that I can almost sense the future on this one. At some point the DIL will show up on here asking how she should handle the fact MIL showed up to their wedding in a white lace dress and wailed all through the vows before getting smashed and tipping the cake on the floor.

Just the vibes I'm getting.

But if you didn't transfer the money until the day after the party, how could he thank you for it during the party?

He just thanked his fiancée's parents as they paid for and organised the party.

YABU OP, as everyone has said, engagement party speeches aren't like weddings speeches. Leaving you out of a wedding speech would be something else, and very upsetting, but this was just a casual few words to say thank you to everyone with a few extra words for the hosts. He sounds like a lovely, polite guy.

Don't fall into the trap of keeping score and wanting everything to be Exactly The Same as the in-laws, that will be exhausting for you son and DIL and just push them away.

And yes, intervening over the guest list for an engagement party you weren't hosting is a bit of a red flag, be careful not to overstep.

Why were you reminding your son to invite certain people? Surely the guest list was up to him and the bride? Maybe they didn't ask you to help because they didn't want an 'old school and traditional' party.

You hadn't done anything in relation to this party though, other than turn up?
Is this more a symptom of feeling pushed out generally?

"Thanks mil and fil for the hours and thousands of pounds you donated for this party"

"Thanks df and DM for the card"

That would have been even more embarrassing for you surely?

YABU and I think you should be careful not to make it all about you.

So it sounds like he was saying "thank you in laws for this party" since they paid for it? Which he couldn't say to you, because it wasn't you who paid. And "thanks for everything you've done in my life" isn't really an engagement party thing I wouldn't think? Hopefully thats acknowledged in the wedding!
It sounds like you feel a bit pushed out though? You offered to help with decorations and setting up, but the in laws did all the arrangements.

I am really sorry OP that you are hurting a little right now. Only you know how that felt in the moment and it sounds like it cut a little deep. I’ve learnt in life that it’s the people we love and care for the most that have the power to hurt us in this way. We build up in our heads certain expectations about how people should behave and when someone you care about doesn’t meet your expectations it can feel hurtful and upsetting. But those are your expectations. It’s unfair to expect others to have the same because they are their own unique individual self, as are you, and we all see the world through different eyes. The crucial bit here that I’ve learnt is that it doesn’t mean they love or care about you less. They just express it in their own unique way and as frustrating as that can be, that is all that really matters in this day and age.

Is it really about that you didn’t know her family had paid for the whole party and how that looked? Would you have paid half if you had known? He could have mentioned it before hand but maybe he didn’t want you to feel pressured. I think the brides family often pay for things traditionally but it can cause a divide with families when wedding planning.

“Politely” “respectfully” always means “condescendingly”

Not all replies or votes agree with you. There’s a certain amount of nuance to this situation that’s being missed.

It does sound a bit like you’re embarrassed and feel like you’ve been shown up a bit, and the shock of it being a really fancy party has made you feel left out, and then him not mentioning you in his speech has compounded this feeling - but really he wasn’t being impolite not to mention you as he was just thanking them in their host capacity on this occasion rather than thanking them for being parents etc.

As an aside, this is why brides should also speak as then they can thank their new in laws for being welcoming etc and it’s not all on the shoulders of the groom trying to include everyone in his speech.

You say that you and the in laws don’t have much wealth disparity, if this is the case then perhaps you should consider contributing more to the wedding (if you can afford it, which I guess you can if you’ve said they aren’t much richer than you).

Even if you offered to “pay for the champagne” or pick an expense you could cover, this might be appreciated and might help you feel more involved in the festivities and less left out - clearly they will plan an extravagant wedding which will cost tens of thousands of pounds - so try to align your help with what they need. And what you can afford obviously! If you can’t afford to chip in thousands then don’t feel any pressure to, just be a loving guest, that is enough.

But if you can afford it and your son knows that and knows that you’re not chipping in then of course this is going to make the in laws look a lot more generous and up with the times than you.

My in laws are less wealthy than my dad but have helped us out financially a lot more, and it does make me look a bit askance at my own dad and wonder why he just doesn’t seem to “get it” like they do.

Totally understand you're not upset about thanks for your cash gift.

but I don't understand what you expected him to thank you for? He thanked everyone for coming (that included you).

he then thanked the in laws for hosting the party. This didn't include you as you weren't the hosts. I'm not sure what you expected?

You need to look at what was actually said, he thanked his ILs for the party and that was it. He didn’t thank them for “being there for him”, or bringing up such a lovely woman, just something they’d paid for which you were all at.
He was probably a bit nervous, hadn’t thought the whole thing through and you really need to stop overthinking it.

Is the mother of the groom so low down the pecking order he couldn't separate his mum from a general guest message and just said something to even acknowledge they were in the bloody room?

So the in laws did get them something they got them the party which would have cost a few hundred at least by the sounds of it. You gave £75 you got more than one thank you. He was thanking the in laws for the party and planning, you didn’t do any of that so you were not mentioned. YABU

This. Please don't spoil their lovely party by making it about this imagined 'snub'. He said lovely things and thanked everyone for coming which included you. He doesn't have to publicly thank you for his existence. He's quite right that that is a wedding speech thing. You're being OTT and thinking too much about people's perceptions of you, which is not a factor in this event. You have much to be happy about, best make that your focus instead.

OP, it isn't for you to remind your son about who to invite and I imagine it's this attitude you have that has led to then just getting on with making their own plans and you not being involved. For your own sake, rein it in now. Your son and future dil are trying to set boundaries by making arrangements without your involvement, take heed and adapt or risk losing him. He sounds like a fine young man and his speech ticked the right boxes except giving you the ego boost you feel you need.

I can't get past having an expensive engagement party when there's a wedding to pay for.

Hey, that is completely cruel and unnecessary.

It sounds like you’ve confused this with a wedding speech. It sounds like a perfunctory few words to thank the guests, hosts and mention his wife to be - there was no reason to mention you this time. The wedding speech will be different and I’ve no doubt you’ll be mentioned.

I sounds like you feel left out as a mum and feel like a guest when obviously you have liked to be involved and it’s hurt your feelings because you’re not just a guest, you’re his mum. I don’t think it’s about getting a ‘thank you’ it’s more about feeling like you’ve just been lumped in with everyone else as he has a new mum and dad now who are going to be taking over everything and replacing you. Which isn’t the case but it can be a horrible feeling because that’s your son and it’s hard to just sit there and feel like you’re a nobody when you’re the mum, it’s sore! I think it’s more that you’re feeling shut out and like an outsider as opposed to wanting formally thanked. If it were me, I would say “I’m sorry for overreacting, I just really want to still be part of it all and part of your life and to help out and be involved where I can if you’ll let me, I’m your mum and I love you and I’d be so excited to help with decorations or planning or just to be part of it instead of just being a guest so please let me know in future what I can do because it means the world to me to be able to be part of your life and part of your special times because I love you”.

Respectfully, you need to work through this before they get married and have kids. If you don't, you risk ruining your relationship with the grandkids.

I understand why you would feel pushed out of this but it's unlikely that is her parents intention. They just wanted to pay for a party. Part of the things you've never seen before are likely hired with the party. I can see why you think that they could have mentioned you but they will do so at the wedding and realistically there was nothing to thank you for at this party other than you existing and turning up. It would have been more strange if they'd mentioned you for the sake of it.

It's likely they will do other parties such as christenings/naming parties and whatever you feel, you must remain gracious. I pulled away a lot from my mum when I had a child as I was shocked by how jealous and petty she was at every mention of MIL or MIL meeting DD. I couldn't talk about any occasion without a response that was equal to if she'd been OW. She ultimately lost out because of this.

@Whoisunreasonable , i think you've seen a slight here where none was intended.
Let's be honest, boys are not the most emotional or sensitive of creatures, so I would imagine, he genuinely thought he was doing the right thing with a general thank you and an extra one to the people who paid.
Out of interest, did he and his fiance invite the people you kept reminding about? Why was it important to you these people came? Did this cause any upset with his parents?
I think your bigger issue is the wedding; who is planning/paying for that? Everyone's involvement needs to be agreed before the planning starts or there will just be a seething ball of resentment atvthe event