For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

my issue would be swearing AT the kids. I’ve got a potty mouth, DH does too. Whilst we swear in general conversation, it’s never ever at the children. Thats a sign of aggression I couldn’t tolerate.

for what it’s worth mine have only just started swearing at 15/16. As are their friends, even from non swearing house holds.

It's good to have two different perspectives and life experiences. It was nice debating with you.

An Irish thing? Seriously?

I'm sorry - did you just type that domestic violence is an "Irish" cultural thing?? Believe me, domestic violence is a worldwide thing and not just restricted to the Irish. It's not right whatever your ethnic background!
You wrote "So what if it's culturally Irish - so's domestic violence and that doesn't make it right". You are aware that you could have (and probably should have) said "So what if it's culturally Irish - so is Riverdance or Bosco or The Late Late show" or something less incendiary.

I can't believe what I'm reading here.

What's the health visitor going to do about your husbands potty mouth.

If this is a deal breaker you need to talk to him

This is a problem with your kids not understanding that they shouldn't swear. My DDs dad swears like a trouper and she never did. You're make this into a big issue when it doesn't need to be - if your DH swears and your kids comment just say adults can say adult words. You cannot police or reprimand your husband, it's not working. Your kids are old enough to know not to swear.

“It seems to be an Irish thing…” WTF? I’m Irish and I take exception to that. Irish people do not swear any more than English people.

Aside from that, your husband is a disgrace, habitually using the f word in front of your young children. He is choosing to exercise no self control and normalising a word which is aggressive as well as vulgar. Why would he expose his children to it? The fact he is refusing even to discuss it with you is a massive red flag. You need to give him an ultimatum: zero tolerance for swearing in front of the children

Seriously?? Unbelievably sweeping statement there. Do English people not swear?? So much anti-Irish ignorance on this thread. Think before you type.

Feck is just a very slightly disguised version of fuck, and I have heard Irish family and friends try to justify it but IMO it’s just as bad. The use and intent is exactly the same as saying fuck. Don’t let him pull that crap.

I didn’t know anything about Irish people swearing. However I often see comments from Scottish people saying they regularly use the word ‘cunt’ as a term of endearment!

I'm a senior child mental health professional, his behaviour is not acceptable. He is not listening to you, you are correct.

I am sweary too and was able to tone it down a bit when I had children but not stop completely. My DS did not swear though as I always told him they were adult words and not for children.

The issue here though isn’t the swearing as such it’s sounds more like it’s your DH’s anger outbursts and that your children are terrified of their father. He also shouldn’t be swearing AT them. That indicates he’s thinking about their motives and his relationship to the children completely incorrectly and dysfunctionally.

Start a college fund. Every time dad swears he has to pay a quarter or the equivalent. Let the kids collect the money. Do speak to your child’s carer and let them know dad is the problem. It’s wrong of dad to speak this way in front of your children but it’s probably his was of relieving stress.

Hmm I'm married to an Irish man and he doesn't swear a lot. When our children were little we tended not to swear. I've introduced it back into my vocab now they're young adults. I think your husband is being quite insensitive about the fact the children are modelling his language. When they use his language in front of other people, eg your parents, they are experiencing a different perspective on the use of that language. Their words are met with alarm and shock and this is clearly confusing them. I think it's a pity that your husband isn't prepared to discuss this as it's causing your daughter confusion and upset. It's double standards for your DH to expect your DD to apologise for using language that he uses all the time. I don't think reporting him to a health visitor is going to help. I think you need to ask him to have a frank conversation with you when the children are asleep or at school and try and get him to understand why this is a problem. Hopefully he'll try and tone down his language.

Feck is just a very slightly disguised version of fuck, and I have heard Irish family and friends try to justify it but IMO it’s just as bad. The use and intent is exactly the same as saying fuck. Don’t let him pull that crap.

Do you actually live in Ireland yourself @Fountofwisdom ?

Because you’re wrong about this. The intent of feck is very different to fuck. Usage overlaps but is not exactly the same either. There are no sexual connotations to feck and it can also be used in the sense of to steal or to throw casually.

Your opinion isn’t worth much unless you actually know what you’re talking about...

I doubt it’s feck that the OP’s husband is using, though she hasn’t confirmed either way. But fuck is far more aggressive.

I hate anyone swearing in front of children. They learn by example and I rather my children learn a good vocabulary to express how they feel instead of swearing. I think it's very confusing for them to be told off for something at school, when they hear their parents doing it at home.

reporting him will do nothing.

You ignore him, and you teach your kids the difference between adult language and child language, and you calmly correct them every time they swear that they are not old enough to use that language.

It worked with mine, in fact my kids tell me off when one accidentally slipped out.. i swear like a sailor. i have got better about doing it around them and i try and fudge it to say something else... but the other week i let the C word slip in front of my 15yo when someone nearly crashed into me while we were driving home and she thought it was hilarious, then firmly told me off!

It’s not up to anyone else to make your husband behave like a normal adult who can control his behaviour. It’s up to him. And it’s up to you whether you can live with him and continue to expose your children to his behaviour.

So why is it not appropriate to swear in an interview but is in front of children. What's the reason you decide some situations you should not swear. You say people are capable of understanding when not to swear. What's the criteria to not swear.
If you think it's fine to swear then own it and swear in every situation. If you think it will disadvantage you, or cause offence or make you look uneducated, or aggressive in certain situations then why not apply it to swearing in front of your children.

1. Irish as a nation, according to studies, (which you can all agree with or disagree with to your hearts content) swear much more than other nationalities. CREDIT @Lancastrienne

As an Irish person, I personally agree. Neither of my Irish parents or grandparents ever swore. I am usually 'prim and proper' in how I dress and am considered by colleagues and friends to be reasonably polite. I swear. Given none of my family swear, my partner does not and I personally find it abhorrent (hypocritical perhaps) I swear. So it fits that the culture has played a large part and it has become a bad habit from my environment alongside other factors. I do not enjoy cursing.

		2	. ENFORCE & INCREASE the fee for the money jar.
	
		3	. Determine precisely which part of the cursing is most reprehensible to you. Is it generally and becoming more pronounced as the years have gone by your goodwill has diminished or Is it because its setting a poor example for the kids or because it reflects his anger issues. Presumably all those and some. <span class="mention">@AcceptAllChanges</span> raises a really interesting point about social mobility and middle class sensibilities. Ive always thought this. Much like being crazy, its only the poorest of the poor and the richest of the rich that are allowed to act however they like without concern for their milieu etc.

	4	. It sounds like a symptom of the problem rather than the problem. He swears because he is frustrated, impatient , poor at self regulating. <span class="mention">@StudioFocusTricky</span> and others rightly pointed out that the main issue is the childish/childlike inability to manage his emotions and responding to your disagreement by blocking on whatsapp. Very immature / unreasonable behaviour. <span class="mention">@Lincoln24</span>  astutely suggests 'Almost like he's taking anger at himself out on her' . The man is emotionally unintelligent and this behaviour/use of language stems from that.

I am Irish, like the husband and also, like the husband very emotionally immature and quick to anger. I have a bad habit of cursing when I become frustrated (which is more frequent than it should be). My English, emotionally intelligent and patient partner has called me out on my cursing/aggressions/bad behaviour and rightly so. To him, I contest it and blame being Irish (again an aggravating factor but not an explanation as I got told off by my mother for saying 'fecking' which really isnt seen as cursing at all by many Irish). The reality is I know my partner is right, as is anyone that discourages antisocial behaviour whether in public or the privacy of the home. I am willing to work on it and improve and while I may push back when called out, I am genuinely making an effort to manage my emotions better, not take things out verbally on him/child/anyone else. If your husband is willing to listen and concede that he has some responsibility then I'm sure you can work through it with a bit of help.
If he obstinately refuses to address it then you have a probem and you can pay more heed to the LTB comments.

The key is to address these issues in a calm and sensitive moment. If it is raised in or around the time of cursing, chances are he is already aggravated and unlikely to pay heed to any constructive criticism.

For contact also my 6 year old is very sensitive to swearing and he and my partner both utter "Language Timothy!" whenever I curse. Its a gentle reminder for me to get my act together. 6 is a very tender age where the child is coming to the age of reason and its very normal for them to be highly attuned to a sense of right and wrong and general sense of justice. My son knows its unacceptable to curse and I continue to make it clear that I am in the wrong and that people make mistakes and I am improving my bad behaviour.
While this is a sh** (had to for the lol) situation, it can actually turn into something really positive if DH takes on advice and the children learn that we are all fallible and that what matters most is not never making mistakes / being perfect but accepting when we have done wrong and making amends.

School and work (including interviews) are professional environments. Some workplaces are more formal than others. When you start at a workplace, you should pick up the culture and see how other people speak, some might be more relaxed and others might not be. At interview, you don't know that, so you assume formality.

Some people- as this thread has shown- feel uncomfortable and offended by swearing, so it's best not to start swearing in front of people you don't know well, or in front of people who you know don't like swearing.

As this thread has also illustrated, a lot of adults don't want their children to hear swearing so you shouldn't swear around other people's children.

If you have always sworn a lot and someone has married you knowing that, it's a fair assumption that they are not that sensitive to it or they would have chosen someone who didn't swear.

Yes. Feck is almost a comical expression now after FT and all that. It's mostly used almost in humour when people are having a bit of a laugh about something and trying to look angry or dismissive. Nobody would think someone is being agressive if they said 'you can feck off then', if you told them you couldn't go to their party. If they said 'you can fuck off then' it would be completely different. Feck is not a toned down version of fuck.

Determine precisely which part of the cursing is most reprehensible to you. Is it generally and becoming more pronounced as the years have gone by your goodwill has diminished or Is it because its setting a poor example for the kids or because it reflects his anger issues. Presumably all those and some. @AcceptAllChanges raises a really interesting point about social mobility and middle class sensibilities. Ive always thought this. Much like being crazy, its only the poorest of the poor and the richest of the rich that are allowed to act however they like without concern for their milieu etc.

It sounds like a symptom of the problem rather than the problem. He swears because he is frustrated, impatient , poor at self regulating. @StudioFocusTricky and others rightly pointed out that the main issue is the childish/childlike inability to manage his emotions and responding to your disagreement by blocking on whatsapp. Very immature / unreasonable behaviour. @Lincoln24 astutely suggests 'Almost like he's taking anger at himself out on her' . The man is emotionally unintelligent and this behaviour/use of language stems from that.

(SORRY - I made an absolute hames of posting my message.
I am a very regular reader of MN but rarely comment as the good people usually have everything covered)

@MrsSunshine2b I would agree completely with your points there, but still wonder why people think all this doesn't apply to family, but I suppose everyone operates differently in family dynamics. But if the OP accepted the swearing pre children she seems to have changed post children and become much more aware of it. I wonder how common this is. Tolerance to your partner swearing reducing when you have children. The problem for the research project is alot of other tolerances with your partner reduce when you have children, so an unbias control group is going be hard to find. 😂