For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

I am Irish and I use the f word frequently. I make an effort to not use it, my DH also Irish, doesn't use it. My children aged 13, 15 and 16 very rarely use it and it it does slip out, they know its wrong. I apologise when I use it around them.

There is however a difference between using it in an aggressive manner which your DH seems to be doing and using it as a catch all expression which a lot of Irish people do.

I swear like a trooper and op knew what she married and she wanted children with him. Now it's a fucking problem and she wants to change the bastard. I think the op comes across as pretentious and prissy.

I think all parents slip up now and then. But a grown man who says to a 6 and 4 year old ‘get out the fucking car’ sounds fucking vile.

How can he shout at them when it’s his fault?

How do you take him anywhere? Does he swear like this in front of your parents?

I swear like a trooper on nights out, when I’m stressed at work, when my DH is being an arsehole. I would never swear AT a child. Yes they may hear the f bomb once in a while, but it’s not a fluent part of family life like the OP’s DH.

Like every area of your life, you ADAPT when you have children, you scale back the swearing. It’s bloody obvious. She’s not prissy, just a normal Mum trying to bring up well rounded children, not chavvy little scumbags.

Why would you report it to anyone?? You tell him not to swear. You explain to the children that daddy is wrong to swear like this and that you don't want to hear swearing from them.

I think the swearing is a red herring here, it's the aggression behind it that's the real problem, and the childish response to a conversation about it. That's what you need to address OP.

We're a sweary family but nobody has ever sworn at DC in the family to my knowledge, and when it comes to them copying they're taught that some words are just for grown ups to say in the same way that some drinks are just for grown ups to have, or some TV shows are just for grown ups to watch.

It definitely is an Irish thing, swearing more than other anglophone countries. I am Irish. The question is... does he say fecking or fucking?

When did it become the norm to swear frequently at home and in earshot of children?

I'm not pearl-clutching, I swear myself. But not in front of children

When I grew up adults never did apart from the odd 'bloody' And I was amazed to find out, after he died, that my dad swore like a navvy when he was at the pub with friends.

And never, while my DC were growing up did family or friends swear around them.

And we still don't around the DGC.

And while it's easy to prevent them watching unsuitable programmes or drinking etc, listening to language is a different thing. Language is there to be learned and absorbed so much harder to do the Don't do as I do, do as I say - because that's what they're doing!

I'm not pearl-clutching, I swear myself. But not in front of children

I used to swear a lot with my husband. Then I had the children and I just stopped, I realised it sounded horrible. My parents don't swear much (except if they stub their toe) and it's not nice in public, so really, it's not clear why it's become so ingrained.

I think it's quite funny though that everyone on here says they swear constantly around the kids, but the kids do not swear at all. Why not? If it's so harmless, let them swear. If it's harmful, why are you still doing it around them all the time? If they have more self-control than you, it's a little odd.

One of the biggest things you can give children is the ability to code-switch, which is to change their language to adapt to the surrounding environment they are in, some bright kids are very good at this, and can swap in and out of swearing, different languages, tones etc, but many can't and they end up speaking however they were taught at home, and find it hard to modify their language. That's why I chose not to swear (apart from very occasionally) in everyday conversation with my children, as I didn't want them accustomed to that way of speaking so totally that they wouldn't be able to switch out of it. If they are able to and never get it wrong, great, but the OP's dd wasn't able to and imitated her dad and then cried. No biggie, his aggression is the issue.

I swear a fair bit with my adults friends (and in my head when I'm just generally ranting at life!) but as a rule I do not swear in front of my children. They may have heard the odd swear word slip out, e.g. when I've been driving and someone's cut me up but on those rare occasions I have apologised and told them I should not have used that word (e.g. kn#bhead, and instead should have said something like 'ding bat!' instead. We have explained that people can and do swear when they are older but as a child there are thousands of other brilliant words to use first. I also have a male friend who is Irish and swears brilliantly with us, but does not do it in front of his children, so it can be stopped. I don't know why your husband won't stop or won't get on board with trying to raise his children to be the best version of themselves that they can be, he just sounds pig-headed and it's certainly not an affliction of being Irish lol. I don't think telling the health visitor would have an impact but maybe explaining very honestly to your children's teachers that their father swears a lot in front of them and he point blank refuses to stop, might help them understand if your children do slip a swear out. Also very factually explain to the children that dad's language should not be copied and give them funny alternatives to use.

Is this real? You want to tell on your DH for swearing? I can’t believe this is real. Grow up. Tell your kids not to swear, carry on with life. If you don’t like your DH, leave.

Yeah, feck is like saying drat or darn (fecking is akin to dratted/darned). It’s not like fuck, much milder, and there are no sexual connotations to feck either.
It does sound bad to someone who doesn’t understand that.

I’d think OP’s husband is saying fuck though, as his language appears to be used very aggressively and fuck is the word used in that case. Unless the OP is misunderstanding his intent and I really doubt that’s the case.

She needs to explain why it's not right for them to swear. Her children see it all as one big joke. They probably had loads of laughs putting together the swear jar. There is a time for joking around and a time for seriousness their children obviously don't know when they are being a parent and when they are joking. They have no boundaries and the op should have explained to her daughter why she shouldn't be swearing rather than throwing around blame. It doesn't help she needs to understand the difference between adult language and children language. Being a parent is hard work and I swear like a trooper in front of my children but they know not to swear in front of me.

It is absolutely not an Irish thing. I have Irish family, and my partner is Irish (from a very working class farming family) and none of them do this. The idea that he just can't help it because he's Irish is so insulting.

It's just an excuse because he can't be bothered to make a small effort for the sake of his kids. Yes I know they're only words, but it's the principle of it, and his attitude. Really not ok.

It's not an Irish thing.
I don't accept that it is an Irish thing, and I'd call out anyone who says that it is an Irish thing to swear like the OP's husband.
We actually have a wonderful love of language and have developed a barrage of sayings that cover a multitude of situations where swearing could be used but often isn't.
I'm not saying we're pure as the driven snow but I also know that we're not swearing like the devil either.
I think that putting his nationality as the opening statement says more about you OP than it does about him.

But that's just me....and I'm Irish.

Do you mean generally or genuinely btw? I have heard that people mix these up but I have never seen it.

Saying someone has ‘prissy ways’ is a revolting thing to say. Some people don’t swear at all and some pepper every sentence with it (which makes me cringe). Most of us I guess are like me, and use it occasionally in states of high emotion or when out with friends. I am sure the same is true now of my adult kids.

Nobody I know however swore in front of young kids. Because the words are unpleasant and kids can repeat them. I can’t see anything ‘prissy’ about the OP. She describes living with a man who swears all day. Are you the kind of person who describes women who don’t like unusual sexual practices as ‘prudes’ too? People who do not like non-stop swearing ‘turn your stomach’? You must be a fragile sort, for all your swearing!

She might as well have said the English don't swear we speak like royalty. The op has written off Irish people and they do nothing to her.

Most people I know stop swearing around young kids. You call that ‘pretentious and prissy’. I call it decent and responsible parenting. We are all different of course.

She knew what she was marrying and having children with. She's trying to change him after. The conversation should have been had before marriage and children. That's taking responsibility and ownership of your own choices. They are children having children it was never going to work.

There is a big difference to swearing “oh FFS” into the air to swearing AT someone. Children should never ever be sworn at like that, regardless of the intention it comes across as incredibly aggressive and scary.

I don’t think it needs discussing really. Because most good parents at least try not to swear in front of young children. It should not need stating in advance. Lots of things have to change when you have kids; they don’t need signing off before conception.

How do all those that say swearing is no big deal, it's all around us, it's only words etc reconcile that with we knew not to do it in public, or at school, or at work.
Normalising of swearing hasn't actually happened, some people just think it has to justify doing it but then don't do it when they know it might actually do what it is designed to do, cause offence. And if it has become normalised then it sort of defeats the point in doing it. Culture media, films etc thinking it's brave and shocking to use motherfucker, it's boring tbh, because they can't create any proper dialogue.
It's offensive between people, that's it's purpose, and comes with agressive undertones, again thats the purpose, to ratche up the indication of your anouance. So if you do it you are being offensive and emphasising your anouance. If you think using a crude term for sexual intercourse in front of your children to emphasise your anger that the car door won't open is OK, then that's your decision. But it's not the social norm and anyone hearing it doesn't know he continually does it, they will see it for what it is. The OP is obviously not comfortable with it. Neither would I be, and we are in Ireland.

The children see it as funny putting together swear jars etc. Does the op think it's okay her daughter swearing should she not be spoken to about it and told off. Like I said I swear in front of my children and they still show me respect as their parent. The op has created a divide between her children and their father. Thats wrong

The fact he is Irish is totally irrelevant. We are not all potty mouthed.

The fact he does not listen to you and your kids are scared is the issue. Your relationship in fact is the issue.

i cannot even understand why you are considering talking to a health visitor. I mean do you want them to slap your husband on the hand or something? Leave him. it is the only thing you can do.

Next job interview when they shake your hand and ask you how you are say. I'm fine but couldn't get the fucking car door open this morning. The fucking husband lost the fucking keys out on the fucking piss last night.
Go home and say in front of your children. I didn't get the fucking job because the fucking interviewer thought it was a fucking big deal I was fucking swearing. I mean for fuck sake, who even fucking cares about fucking swearing. They're only fucking words. One has power to never interact again with you, and won't. The other is your child who has no power.
If you change your language to respect the interviewer enough not to swear because you know it will be considered offensive, then respect your children and those around you and do the same.
Pearl fucking clutching, I know. I blame my mother who I never heard swear and could communicate more powerfully than most.