For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

I’m Irish.
no it is not “an Irish thing” to swear at your children.
and also, he’s a POS for telling her off for copying him.

I live in Ireland and I do say 'fuk' a lot but I'm really trying to stop it as my 3 year old said it. But your husband sounds verbally aggressive. I'd never say to my children 'get out of the fuking car'.

The most commonly used swear word in Ireland is feck apparently.
what do you expect your HV to do?!
you need to have a grown up conversation with your husband about this.

Woman up and tell this man that you're not taking his d foul language anymore, it's rubbing off on the kids and making one of them anxious about it. It's your responsibility to challenge him on this. You married the guy, you are the one who let's him know it's not acceptable.

I don’t think you can really tell children off for swearing when you’re the one teaching them how to swear. That isn’t okay. If DH is capable of not swearing in front of other people’s children then this demonstrates that he is capable of controlling himself. We all slip up sometimes sure but he needs to make the effort. How is your relationship otherwise? This sounds really tricky. Sorry OP.

Also I don’t think HV can do anything and school wouldn’t be able to either. Bit ridiculous being blocked by your husband though.

You could speak for school and nursery about them dropping an f bomb as a warning. Your children shouldn't be scared if they did swear, they should just be told it's not something we say. Ignore daddy.

What exactly would the health visitor do? The school might be able to cut your kids some slack and reinforce your messages if they do swear there.

Give him an ultimatum and mean it. He is treating you and the kids badly. If he loves you, he puts you first. He isn't. I'm sorry if that's, hardti hear.

I am also very concerned about your daughter's fear of a) him in her bed, b) him telling her off

I would not have my friends having play dates with or inviting to parties kids who were swearing. So that's knock on issues too.

You really think all of us Irish go around swearing at our children like your twat of a husband? Catch a grip.

Thank you. The "swearing is a sign of intelligence" trope which gets trotted out here is tedious.

This isn't an Irish thing (I'm Irish and no one I knows swears around their children, unless by accident). This is just really bad parenting by your DH as it'll obviously end up getting them in trouble in school etc down the line when they copy him. I doubt reporting it will do anything as it's not anyone's job to tell a grown man to stop cursing 🙈. Not sure what to tell you other than this would drive me crazy too! Did he always swear loads?

I used to be married to an irish man. The "f" word is part of their vocabulary as in the Police Force and other macho organisations. There is nothing you can do, it's ingrained in them. Sorry but that's the way it is.

If he's swearing at the kids.. thats not on. If he's swearing in general I would say they are grown up words and the children should use them till they are grown ups. Leave it at that . If it slips out don't worry just tell them wait till your grown up
Kids will hear it out the house too unfortunately. Chill out and don't open that can of worms officially ffs

As an Irish person and who grew up with Irish parents, I can confirm that swear words were common place. I don’t actually agree with the stigma around swearing.

HOWEVER, it is one thing swearing in general conversation that children might hear and another completely to swear AT children. It sounds very belittling. Also you can’t tell a child off for copying your own behaviour!

blocking you on WhatsApp is childish and petty

You've got to be kidding with this statement. This is so ignorant. It is not ingrained in Irish men to say fuck. Honestly if I see any more Irish bashing on this thread I'm about to lay into the English Lager louts everyone in Europe complains about 🙄

So he swears AT them and your child is terrified of him??

You need to protect your children and leave

Does he swear in front of his own parents, grandparents, higher ups at work etc? I bet he can turn it off when he wants to.

All the examples of 'adults cand do this and children can't' are nonsense when it comes to swearing

There is no such thing as 'adult language'. Words are words. They are all around us and children pick them up as they are supposed to. So if they constantly hear swearing it becomes perfectly normal to them and to tell them they can't say Fuck or Shit or whatever the word is, till they're older is absolutely ridiculous.

Hearing them once or twice has little impact, but hearing them all the time at home makes them perfectly normal and acceptable and it's ridiculous to expect them to have better control over their use than adults do

How do you get on with the school and is your child swearing at school? There’s really nothing a hv or school can do but give advice on parents language. This might be enough for your dh. The school may want to see BOTH parents if your children are bringing the language into the classroom (which they inevitably will). If that doesn’t help imo you have a serious problem.

Do you mean generally or genuinely btw? I have heard that people mix these up but I have never seen it.
I don't mix them up. If I did, your opinion of that would mean nothing to me.

Saying someone has ‘prissy ways’ is a revolting thing to say
Nonsense. The OP clearly demonstrated that both she and her parents have prissy ways. It's the correct word, look it up. 'Revolting'? Are you sure that's the word you mean?

Nobody I know however swore in front of young kids
Your lack of life experience does not impress me. And, as you are pedantic about words, 'kids' are baby goats. The offspring of human beings are children, even in households where they are raised to imagine that swearing is a greater offence than being rude to your own father.

Are you the kind of person who describes women who don’t like unusual sexual practices as ‘prudes’ too?
Clutching at straws here, I think. Why introduce a new topic? Go back and look at my posts. My opinions on 'unusual sexual practices' are clearly stated there.

People who do not like non-stop swearing ‘turn your stomach’? You must be a fragile sort, for all your swearing!
Prissy people turn my stomach. People who are overly concerned with what they think are 'manners'. Behaviour once found in the lower middle class, or some aspirational working class groups. Those people. The ones who will allow their child to insult her father whilst taking offence at swear words and 'reporting' Daddy to the Health Visitor.

Not fragile at all.

Have you had enough attention now?

Do you or have you ever lived in Ireland??

I'm very sweary and DD was always informed these were bad words and she couldn't use them when she was small. She's an angel so she didn't. They will hear these words everywhere and they do not harm. I did make an effort to reduce my swearing but as I move managed to cut it out entirely and they were said around her in public or in films, it made more sense to make sure she knew they were no words she could say.

However, swearing AT kids and your husbands general other behaviour is a problem.

Where on earth did your young child go that she heard swearing in public. And what films was she watching that had swearing in them. The mind boggles. Poor child.

LOL. Anywhere in public. The street, a restaurant, big Tesco, little Tesco. Surely you’ve heard people swear… in public? The mind does indeed boggle.

Im a good mum I think and my sister is the best social worker who swears like a gutter rat I don’t think much needs to change when you have kids obviously you can’t party but I never did but now i do and with my kids at home in the navy is our song right now 😂 they don’t make them anymore