For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

Can I ask what you expect your health visitor to do about your swearing Irish husband @getmeout12 ? Do you think they travel with tranquilliser darts that are jam packed full of anti-swearing vaccines or something?? What is your desired end goal here?

You do what you want to do here, report to whomever you want to report to.

The op doesn't like her husband. I think one incident does not prove that her daughter is scared of her dad she was upset she was told off. Daddy gets to swear why can't I stomp stomp stomp. Children will play one of against the other she went to mummy so she can tell off daddy. I wouldn't be surprised if they argued in front of the children and that's why she felt she could go to mummy. They are not united and their children have picked that up. One thing with children they are not stupid they pick things up quickly. They probably hear all their conversations as well.

To be fair it was the husband who made it about being Irish, not the OP. I think it's something they give you in the Rhotunda at birth. Limerick maternity gives you double dose because Limerick is a challenging environment for a baby and swearing is essential for survival. The new National Children's Hospital has a ward to deal with it but the design didn't take into account how bad the situation is in Ireland. It's cost a few Euro to get the design sorted by all accounts, but it's all public money, so no problem.
Ireland will be swearing free by 2030 (onviously not Cork, they are different). The government have told us, so it must be true.

They even have videos on Youtube about how we go about cleaning up our act there @ClareBlue but due to the laws around child actors etc. they had to use adults.
Here you go:

Should explain how we all manage to leave the Emerald Isle and travel throughout the globe without uttering a swear word.

Most people, and even most children, are capable of understanding that you use certain language in certain situations. I certainly don't go about my day-to-day life talking like I'm in an interview and I think most people would find someone who did to be very odd.

Studies have shown that people who swear tend to have bigger vocabularies than people who don't, and higher levels of swearing are associated with higher levels of integrity and honesty.

It also has some benefits in terms of helping people deal with pain or frustration.

Each to their own, but I've never taught my children that swearing (or using any word) is bad, just that swearing in certain situations is bad. One doesn't swear at all, the other does but never in inappropriate situations.

Ask him at what age he thinks its Ok for the kids to use the word Fuck as often as he does
I don't like swearing but the agression seems like more of an issue and you can report that if you like but SS could get involved and you may not want that.

In certain parts of both Ireland and Scotland it is very very very common to swear as nature. It seems to also be generational. HOWEVER you are not unreasonable to not want that for your kids !! However how you plan on dealing with it is absolutely baffling me. What do you hope the health visitor or school might do that you can't?

Studies show that more intelligent people can generate more words of any variety, including swear words. It doesn't mean the swearing per se is linked to intelligence, the ability to code-switch and use a large variety of words is evidence of that.

Most people can stop swearing if they want, but some can't or struggle with that, which is what this little girl did and then got told off for it by an aggressive dad who swears at them all day. Horrible.

It's also the case (IMO) that people who are m-c and swear tend to be perceived as less aggressive and just a bit taboo-breaking than your local person who lives on the streets. Swearing interacts with other markers of status, so m-c swearers are less likely to be affected by their swearing, same as being a bit scruffy or whatever. They don't pay the same social penalty for swearing and so for them, it's kind of fun and taboo, for some other kids growing up, it's a highly disadvantageous environment which isn't enhancing their linguistic or social chances whatsoever.

YANBU but I wouldn’t report it to the health visitor, I don’t think there’s much they could do. Obviously something needs to be done. He can’t shout at your DD for accidentally swearing if he is swearing constantly.

You might as well say they are all the same age and no boundaries should ever be put in place. She didn't accidently shout she articulated a whole sentence with a swear word in it.

I agree with this... sometimes I will drop out a f-ing hell in frustration when i drop a biwl of cereal on the floor or whatever...., but swearing AT the children "don't f-ing do that" or similar, is very different IMO...
But worse than that is his attitude when you try to talk about it.. blocking you?? No!
I don't really think reporting to anyone would help, it would only potentially bring more trouble (say, with SS...).It's something you need to sort it out with him.

Hes allowed to swear... you might not agree and decided your morals are superior but that does not actually make that true.

I'm close to Scotland and from and Irish family, it is common for adult to swear in many areas, I swear all the time, my kids do not though (neither do any kids I know).

Frankly other people thinking they are superior and thus have a right to chastise, control and police me, infringing on my right to use language (because they are offended... which is wholly a 'you' problem honestly) will make me double down just to piss them off.

You can obviously be offended if a stranger calls you a 'stuck up old cunt' etc... as thats a degrading personal attack on you but someone stubbing their toe and exclaiming 'oh, for fuck sake' is not offensive/degrading/attack on anyone its just an expressive word you choose to have an issue with but that does not make the word an actual issue.

Swear words are personal opinion too, my English nana was deeply offended by the word 'Bloody' as she believed it was swearing, I was raised that kids do not say 'Fart' as its a swear word... its all just subjective.

Swearing and swearing and shouting at the kids are two different things.

This isn't about swearing. This is about swearing at your children.

We are a sweary household - I've been clear with my kids (13, 15 and 15) that swearing is fine, in context, but a) consider your audience and b) NEVER direct your swearing towards anyone. All of them might have a sweary exclamation, and my Scouse husband uses fuck as punctuation sometimes - but it's not aggressive like your husband sounds. He sounds overall aggressive not just sweary aggressive.

That's what you need help with.

🤣🤣. Sorry I know it's a typing error. But yes stop sweating round kids. Put some decking deodorant on 😆

Feckin 🙈not decking 😂

I think it's quite funny though that everyone on here says they swear constantly around the kids, but the kids do not swear at all. Why not? If it's so harmless, let them swear. If it's harmful, why are you still doing it around them all the time? If they have more self-control than you, it's a little odd.

It's not about self-control. I swear because I like swearing, and it is an enjoyable part of language, communication and storytelling (I am Irish). I don't try not to swear at home, I love the way I speak.

I don't swear at work, because it is an inappropriate context. Similarly, my children don't swear, because it would be inappropriate for them to do so - particularly in school or with friends. It's really not that hard to grasp, is it?

He needs to try harder. Pre DS I was incredibly sweary, but I have relied on substitute words to gradually train myself out of the habit. For example, if I drop something and my gut reflex is to start saying shit, it's fairly easy to stop at the Sh... part turn this into "sugar" instead. Same with when I catch myself saying fuck, that becomes F.....ancy that!
If someone cuts me up when driving, I'll now refer to them as an absolute Mallard.

It's not 100 % perfect, but now the only time I would swear in front of my child if something extremely painful and unexpected happened to me, so the pain makes it more difficult for me to moderate my reaction (e.g. accidentally bashing my head into something). So maybe a couple of times a year.

You've had lots of replies, so hope you're ok. This indicates something deeper I feel? It's not ok for an adult to do wrong and tell a child off for copying. The NSPCC might have some help or suggestions, they do lots of educational info not just for the worst situations. You are totally right to not allow your OH to tell her off - we are trying to move on from a world where men can swear at women/girls, and then berate them for doing it back.

Please don't allow your girl to see a father who swears at her and then punishes her for doing the same.

Maybe give him this scenario: dad swears at daughter but tells her off for doing the same. She might grow up to be a woman who thinks it us acceptable to be sworn and shouted at, and isn't allowed a voice to talk back. His role model (lack of) as a man shows her what she will accept as an adult.

Also, do you want to be with a man who swears at their children?

I have told my children that the reason they are not allowed to curse is that they wouldn't yet know the social nuances of when it was appropriate or not, and how to use swearing in an inoffensive way. They are totally fine with that.

Yes, this worries me too. What on earth does this language do to a child's self worth?

Swearing at a child and inciting fear is part of emotional abuse (NSPCC)

Studies have shown that people who swear tend to have bigger vocabularies than people who don't, and higher levels of swearing are associated with higher levels of integrity and honesty.

Prolific swearers always say this. I have so say, I have found quite the opposite in real
life!

The fact you think the mother is at wrong here, and that you swear like a trooper in front of your young kids, makes me see that we are very different parents and probably won’t see eye to eye on this.

I think adults are allowed to do things that children aren't. It's just common sense. I come from an Irish/Scottish background where swearing is fairly normalised for adults but not children.

You can absolutely tell your daughter off for swearing. Dad drives a car infront of her but I'm pretty sure you'd have a go at her if she decided to take the keys and go for a spin.

I also tend to think the kids who don't hear swearing that much swear more. They think it's more taboo. Some of the kids of the most prudish people I know who wouldn't swear in front of them have the foulest mouth. My kids don't think there's anything cool about it because I do it. (This paragraph is just opinion)

It's really about how you reinforce it. I've never had a problem with telling my children off on the incredibly rare occasions they did swear.

I can't really comment on the other aspects. I've never blocked anyone I'm in a relationship with though maybe if you're refusing to discipline your child for using inappropriate language for a child I can see how that would be a bit frustrating.

EDITED to say I do however not think anyone can condone swearing at a child. But you either think the behaviour is abusive and therefore you should take the children and leave, or you don't and I don't know what the health visitor can do.