For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

I think the swearing isn't the biggest problem here, I'd be more concerned about his behaviour towards the children (he sounds like a rather angry, aggressive man) and the fact that your daughter was terrified of him. I couldn't be with someone who my children were afraid of, what a horrible way for them to grow up

Does he say F.uck or Feck, my husband is Irish and he insists Feck isn't a swear word, but I have asked him not to use it in front of our girls and he tries his very best, it might slip out once a month if he hurts himself. Our girls know it's a 'naughty' word, will remind him of this and he says sorry.

Personally I hate swearing at a person, to me it very aggressive and not something I would tolerate. For F's sake when you break a glass/hurt yourself is very different to me to F off you F'ing idiot

As much as the swearing, it's the aggression which would bother me.

I feel for you, my DH is the same and I'm terrified our 2 year old will start swearing in front of my parents (or anyone) ...but he does concede that it's a problem and will apologise if I call him up on it. I have literally said to him (semi seriously) 'if she starts swearing because of you I will walk out the door' - I seriously wouldn't be able to handle it.

He still does it but I keep picking him up and it's getting better. I think the problem is your DH isn't willing to concede it's an issue. I'm not sure where you can go with that. An ultimatum maybe? The blocking you on WhatsApp is another major red flag. If my DH did this I would be out the door. Is he worth the energy of trying to change him? Does he bring good things to your life?

It's not so much walking on eggshells as being a good role model for your children no?

My next door neighbour uses the f word All the time. I'd never heard anyone swear at children using the f word in my life until I heard her. And now the children use the f word all the time as well - aged about 8 and 10. You can hear them swearing back at her. It's distressing to hear. I wonder what in earth the future holds for them being brought up to think that is the normal way to communicate with people.
I think OP I wouldn't be able to live with a man who behaved that way in front of his own children. Who cared so little about giving them a decent upbringing.

Swearing isn't great but why are your children terrified?

Irish do swear but not so much in an aggressive manner & ime would use feck instead of fuck.

My DH is Irish and I have to remind him not to swear. My family don’t swear, my in-laws seem to swear a lot and not care if DC are in earshot. I had to ask my BIL to stop using “twat” in front of my toddler, after using it about 20 times in half an hour. However it’s never in an aggressive way or at the DC. If you are done then you are done, I don’t think that someone else telling him it’s wrong will change anything but knowing that his behaviour is going to cost him his marriage might?

You leave him and take your kids.

Report it? Don't be ridiculous. This is a you and him issue to sort out, you can't rely on some 'authority figure' to tell him off. He sounds like a twat but he's not going to stop being one because a health visitor tells him to!

I had a friend who swore all the time, it was just so embarrassing. I stopped going out with her in the end. Especially after she had dc, we'd be in a restaurant and she'd be 'fucking this, and shitting that' in front of her young dc it was awful, I'd sit and cringe at her. I also used to meet up with her in a soft play area with my dc, god it was awful.

Tbh I'd consider leaving him in your shoes. It's no great shakes for him to curb his language in front of the dc, he's making a choice to continue to swear. Do you really want your dc to end up like him?

"the look of absolute fear in her eyes"

this is the bit that worries me.

Dear god they are just syllables. These words do not actually harm anyone. The children presumably don't actually know what act is associated with the word.

They will know all rhe swear words anyway by the time they are 9.

It's regretable that DH couldn't manage to say "fiddlesticks" instead while the children were little but on the scale of mistakes in parenting it's not a biggy.

Much worse is the childish response to the disagreement including blocking you on WhatsApp. That's awful behaviour.

As for reporting - well unless you are prepared to use this as the basis of some kind of child protection order where you ask a judge to forbid him from seeing his children in case he swears in front of them (I'm pretty sure such an application would fail) I can't think of anything such a "report" could achieve.

Reporting your own husband is abdicating responsibility. Your child is scared of him? You need to end the relationship and protect your children.

I personally don't like swearing, however they are just words and ultimately they have the meaning we imbue in them.

If your husband is going to continue swearing (seems like he is... only you know if this is going to be a deal breaker for you) then an alternative is to set some rules around how and when swearing is OK eg. explaining that some people find swearing really upsetting, you can swear in the house (for emphasis or when you've hurt yourself) but never swear at people and never outside the house.

It's not perfect but might be a halfway solution.

Sounds like he is emotionally abusing the children. You could report it to SS who will investigate your children being emotionally abused by their Dad and their mother failing to protect them. Or you could just cut out the middle man and remove the abuser from their home.

Saw a clip on Twitter/X recently of a Garda shouting at a woman in the street “Can you stop cursing in front of your child for fuck’s sake?”

Anyway… I wouldn’t report him OP, what do you expect the school or a health visitor to do realistically?

Your DH needs to realise that his kids will pick up on the swearing. He shouldn’t shout at your kids if they swear. If he swears in the house, they should be able to swear too. It’s fair game.

He doesn’t want them swearing in the house? He needs to stop doing it himself.

I’m Irish and I don’t think swearing is a necessary part of my language (actually I dislike swearing).

I try to never swear in front of my children. Granted I may fail every now and then but your DH needs to control himself.

I'm Scottish and swear a fair bit too (usually mumbling under my breath, sometimes a bit louder). But I don't swear at my children...that's not on.
Your DH swears constantly at his children then gets angry at his child for swearing? Is he an idiot?

It’s nothing to do with the health visitor. It’s an issue in your relationship. If you can’t live with it and he won’t stop, you can leave. The way you’ve described it sounds like he’s swearing in a scary angry way, not just a bit of jolly effing and jeffing, and that is an issue.

What do you expect a health visitor to do?! If you have safeguarding concerns then fair enough, they’ll report to children’s services. But the health visitor isn’t going to tell your husband off 😆. I don’t see the big deal with swearing, I grew up in a swearing household and have never sworn in front of my parents my whole life. I’m in my 30’s. Your 6 year old is old enough to know not to do it just because her dad does it

I think you may be in an abusive relationship and not realise it. I view swearing at children as you describe as emotional abuse. The way he has refused to listen to you and blocked you on WhatsApp is a major red flag to me. School or your health visitor can’t really help with this. Maybe do some reading around emotional abuse and control. When you’re in the midst of a toxic relationship, it can be hard to accept that you are, and you might not have even considered this before.
All the very best. x

I would be questioning how often he does this if he's doing it all the time then it's completely unacceptable infront of the children

That aside he sounds like a ass I wouldn't put up with his crap

If you feel unsafe then yes speak to the health visitors because they can support you

Yes swearing AT children is considered abusive, but swearing in their presence isn’t.

The first thing I'd do (and I'm not a habitual swearer) is tell him to stop being such a fucking hypocrite. If it's ok for him to swear, he has no right to pull the kids up on it.

Personally, I'd give him a short, sharp shock and start swearing constantly yourself and instructing the kids on how to do it. See how he likes it when other people do it. And start instructing the kids on how certain language is ok at home - for instance, they can swear as much as they like around their daddy - but not around other people. Tbh they'll inevitably come in contact with bad language, even if not from a parent, so they may as well learn about time and place.