For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

It’s nothing to do with school. If you were concerned about another family then yes, report to school. Not your own family! I would mention it to the health visitor though, definitely

Red flags flying everywhere.
His swearing isn't in itself the issue. Some families could make a joke of daddy's bad words.
What is alarming is the DC's fear when she swore. She ran to you to feel safe. That speaks volumes.
Then there's his hypocrisy. He can swear but the kids get in trouble if they do?
And blocking you on WhatsApp is playground levels of petty.
Either have a mature conversation about his language, and about why the DC is scared, or consider whether you want this man around your kids.

"F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing that's an incredibly aggressive way to speak to a 4 and a 6 year old.

As per everyone else. This isn't about swearing, this is about being overly aggressive towards small children. No wonder they are anxious.

He needs therapy or a hard dose of reality.

I'd hate to be around someone who behaved like that.

No idea if they would with this but other than contacting social services what do you expect them to be able to do?

Some people will be clutching their pearls at that, but it really is not a big deal,Some people will be clutching their pearls at that, but it really is not a big deal,

I'm so fed up of this lazy, hackneyed phrase. I don't like swearing. I don't like swearing being used routinely as punctuation. It's ugly and unneccessary and I find it aggressive and intimidating.

I’m Irish and I think your husband sounds thick and ignorant. Surely you knew this before you married him?

100% this.

Why do some people find it so difficult not to swear when it is inappropriate?

It can't be that hard.

I don't pepper my conversation with swear words all the time, only when vexed.

We swear a lot in our household ("fecking eejit" would be an affectionate term like "silly sausage" is to the English), and we punctuate sentences with "fucking" all the time - it's part of everyday language for adult where I grew up (Dublin).

The kids (10 and 7) don't ever swear, swearing neither bothers nor fascinates them, and they know that it is something that adults are allowed to do (and teenagers, in some limited contexts). It's like seeing an adult have a glass of wine. It's for adults, the kids know that, it's really not complex.

Kids are clever, language is fun, swearing is fun, cultures are different.

For me the issue is he is modelling the behaviour then telling them off for repeating! He's not listening. No advice sorry - sympathies.

The real issue here is not the swearing, but the fact that your children are terrified and he has blocked you on WhatsApp so he is not willing to listen to your opinion… he sounds an angry abusive man

Because when you grew up surrounded by them and with swearing not being treated as anything particularly bad, it becomes an ingrained habit. Which is why it's so unfair of OP's DH to shout at his children for swearing!

'I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message'

'When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong'

So he cannot see his obvious double standards, and does not have skills to engage in adult conversation when you address his behavious that impacts you and your children - actually, two behavious, swearing and now shouting. There is a huge communication gap as he gets defensive when you try to talk to him, but if he does not want or see a reason to address it, there is nothing you can do to change him.

I'd probably try to speak calmly with him once again when his emotions are lower but would be clear I will not accept punishing my kids for copying his behaviours.

Really? Would you be upset if your child did another behaviour that is appropriate for an adult but not a child (e.g. drinking)? I would. It is really fairly easy to grasp - for both adults and children - that some things are fine when you are older but not as a child. Swearing is no different, unless you live your entire adult life as though you are a child. Do you have a later bedtime than your children? Should you go to bed at 7.30pm so that you're not "modelling" bad behaviour? Don't be ridiculous. Cursing is a completely normal and acceptable behaviour from adults.

As their mother, you’re meant to do something about this, not pass the responsibility to someone else! Pathetic. How adults like yourself and your husband can be blessed with children is beyond me. They deserve a whole let better. You should have sorted this years ago and if it wasn’t sorted then left and put your children first. Disgusting behaviour from both of you.

I know plenty of people who swear a lot and have kids. The kids are taught that it’s an adult word and they can’t say it until they are older. They don’t swear. I was taught the same and first swore at 16. First swore in front of my parents in my twenties.

You can parent to prevent it.

Your DH should listen and should tone it down. Blocking you on WhatsApp is worse imo

I completely disagree. Children of 5 and 6 are still at the language acquisition stage of development, their brains are literally wired to absorb language like a sponge from those around them. Picking up an alcoholic drink and drinking it is an active choice, whereas swearing, when you've been surrounded by it since birth, can sometimes be almost subconscious. It's OK to remind children "oops, remember we don't say that word, do we?" but shouting at a 6 year old for imitating her dad's language is very unfair.

I’m Irish too and we definitely don’t ‘punctuate sentences with “fucking” all the time’ where I am, so that must be area specific.

Agree ‘fecking’ is much, much milder though it doesn’t translate well…probably not what OP’s DH was saying though.

I think that perhaps the swearing isn't the particular issue here but maybe more of the aggressiveness in which DH is swearing. IMO there is a big difference in swearing when you drop something or stub a toe compared to swearing at your children to do something - "get out the f-ing car".

A lot of adults swear and children are little sponges who will copy them. It's only natural that your DD swore after hearing her dad do it multiple times a day. (Unfortunately I'm going through a bit of a phase with my 6yo swearing due to hearing it from the other kids at school!) Teaching your kids that, "yes daddy swears and he shouldn't, but he's an adult and we can't control what he says, only what we say" is perhaps how I would deal with it. I'd also explain to her that there are some situations and people that it just isn't appropriate to swear around, ie. School and grandparents.

I think your DH's poor communication is a real concern though.

For starters your "angel" daughter who, because of her dads swearing, was somehow FORCED to shout "get the f*ck off my bed" definitely needs disciplined, just because you see shitty behaviour doesn't mean you get to copy and get away with it after bubbling and running away "terrified". At 6 she can actually control her own mouth and presumably she doesn't have tourettes. And you should be supporting her to do so not throwing pity parties.
Tbh I think this is all a load of nonsense - kind of immature reaction from you about literally words. YOU are making it a big deal, sobbing and being dramatic whilst wittering on about payment jars and probably making a massive fuss every time he swears. Just divorce already, it's just speech, he isn't going to speak exactly how you want him to and apparently you are incapable of utilising it as a learning moment for your 4 year old and 6 year old "angel" that "doesn't know any better and can't help herself" the fact you KNEW long before you had kids anyway is NUTS.

Many families I grew up with and families I know now have at least a couple members that swear like troopers, none of them are having any issues with their toddlers or primary aged children swearing at random, but then most of those mothers didn't melt into a sobbing faint at the C word or the word fck (which is extremely popular where i am from, used as an insult, a term of endearment, an exclamation of surprise you name it you can use c*t) also we all know "that" parent that even when their child misbehaves it's not their angels fault but can be blamed on everyone else. Ridiculous attitude to teach, you will be in for a shock at school- teachers will not support any of that but no doubt if she tells someone to eff off at school you will still blame her dad 😂😂😂😂

She might say it at school. I swear but my children no not to swear around adults. He should have explained why she shouldn't swear. There would have been a better outcome. You can't hide children away from bad language it's said out on the street and it's printed in books. A child shouldn't swear it looks bad and sounds wrong.

I totally agree with telling children not to swear, telling them they might get in trouble at school, telling them a lot of people don't like it, find it upsetting, rude etc.

But that can be achieved with simple reminders... shouting at a seemingly already overly anxious child to the point she's scared and crying is absolutely unnecessary.

What do you hope to achieve by reporting this to the school or health visitor? They will not care, I don't think swearing in front of children is ok but it's just naughty words. A lot of schools don't seem to even do anything when a child is clearly being neglected with constant headlice and bruises. What could they do about a man saying words we don't approve of?

Unfortunately this is just one of those things where the only thing you can do is talk to him and try and get him to stop.