For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

I couldn't be with someone who refused to be cautious around my kids, made my kids feel scared, and blocked me on what's app. FFS. What a catch!

I don’t really think your health visitor will be able to fix this - what do you expect them to do ?

He is your husband - if you cannot fix your relationship then you need to leave.

Why would you report to anyone? What do you think they’ll do? The dc know it’s not something they should do. He shouldn’t swear in front of them, obviously. If he won’t stop when you’ve asked him/told him, you need to decide if you can tolerate it, it is horrible.

Does he swear at them or just in the house when he drops something or whatever? We are a swearing household. I swear all the time. So does my husband - although never at the children. But I have never ever heard my children swear because they get the context and they understand not to say it. If they had copied us I think I would have found a way to stop swearing. The fact he doesn't want to engage in conversation with you about it I think is probably a greater problem.

No it isn't an Irish thing. It's a being a cunt thing

I’m Irish, we do swear a fair bit but it sounds like he’s being aggressive. To you as well if he’s storming out etc. who are you going to report him to? That’s crackers and he’ll hit the roof.

I don’t swear at my kids, on thinking about it, mainly my bad words are said generally in humour or calling somebody a gobshite etc. he sounds like a pain to be honest. So being Irish isn’t an excuse to be abusive. I mean he sounds nasty.

This. Although I think your child’s reaction is slightly concerning - fair enough children should probably not be swearing but being so terrified of a reaction, when it’s something her dad does almost constantly? It must be so confusing for her.

Your husband sounds like a boorish twat.

Do you mean report it to the health visitor to have a chat with your husband? I'm not sure they do this and I'm not sure how else they can help.

More than the swearing, it is a real problem if your husband a) has blocked you on WhatsApp and b) ignores your concerns.

It sounds like you need couples therapy to help him to understand your concerns are important and his actions are having an impact on the children.

If he refuses this, then you need to decide how much you are willing to tolerate from him (or not).

Your husband blocked you in WhatsApp? That would be enough for me to leave him.

I don't think this something for a health visitor. I find it concerning he would block you on WhatsApp. How would you describe him as a father and partner?

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong.

What stands out is the double standard, he is allowed use that word but dd isn't. Him using it daily means she will too and that will be his fault, just as it was his parents fault so all self perpetuating. Sure you've already said this to him - if so what does he say?

I don’t know what to advise you. I am a bit of a swearer and so is my DC dad. Our kids did pick it up and we would tell them they couldn’t say it at school and it was about context but we didn’t ’explode’ at them and terrify them. I think the issue is his temper not just the language. My little toddler niece walks around saying ‘fuck’ and we stupidly laughed now are all trying to get her to stop doing it but sometimes if you make it into a big thing it becomes far bigger than what it started out. My DC didn’t really grow up swearing at school it ended up not a big deal and I told them I was silly for saying it and yeah, taught them the context so none of us have ever sworn AT each other just in passing. My DC do swear now they are older and we are all doing fine in terms of life outcomes. I don’t know if I can give any reassurance about your DC but it’s your husbands reactions that are the issue - kids should not be this scared of a parent

No, it's not an Irish thing. His nationality is not a reason or excuse for his behaviour.

I think you need to chill out. It's just a word. The Health Visitor is not going to intervene on something like this, it's not a health or safety issue.

I'd tell both your children that there's no such thing as bad words, just inappropriate words in some situations. The f word is not appropriate at Grandma and Granddad's or at school.

I'm sorry your dd is upset and afraid.

Generally, you turn my stomach with your prissy ways. Your parents also. How dare you let the child make a 'Daddy's swear jar'? How rude. But that's how you are and it's not like your dh. You shouldn't have to endure something you find so offensive. And he shouldn't have to endure walking on eggshells so as not to offend. If he's taking it beyond 'expressing himself' and upsetting the children then you need to take them away from him, and make a safe place for them. Leave the bastard.

Leave the fucking bastard, he's a cunt for the swearing.

Is he saying fucking or feckin

feckin is absolutely standard language and not considered a swear word as far as I can work out in ireland.

The first time my DS told me his teacher had referred to the boys as “feckin gobshites” I was horrified, no one else was even vaguely fazed 🤣

I'm Irish and very sweary but your examples of how he swears and his general behaviour make him sound like a complete psycho. No one I know would tell their kids to "get out of the fucking car". The f bombs are the least of your worries..

The HV and school won’t do anything.

Do you think he doesn’t know that he’s swearing ? Or does he think that swearing is ok for adults and not for kids? Unless he tells his kids that, of course they will swear.

There’s lots of red flags here. The fact that he can not communicate is troubling. I am a sweary person but I modify my language when in hearing distance of children. I think that’s normal adult behaviour tbh.

No one else can change your DP except him. If he won't change and this matters to you then you need to change when/how he sees your DC.

If this means LTB then that is what you need to do, if it's important to you.

I find it interesting he reacted so strongly to your dd swearing because that seems to suggest he knows it's wrong but can't or won't stop himself? Almost like he's taking anger at himself out on her.
The risk when they become teens isn't that they won't know it's wrong, it's that they'll know it gets a reaction.
There are worse things than swearing but what is your relationship like generally?

I swear an awful lot. My child does not. Because I don’t swear AT her.

YABU to expect someone else to care that he swears
YANBU that he sounds borderline abusive and you should leave him

@getmeout12 Surely your DH can understand the logic of children not doing what we say but what we do. He swears, she swears. He's supposed to be a role model. My DH swears when he's upset too but he doesn't spend enough time with our children for them to be influenced...which in itself is probably not a good thing 😅

My DH is Irish, as we're his parents. Whilst he does use the F word more liberally than most, he never did in earshot of our DCs
Now they're 18 and 16, he does swear a bit more (tbh my DD (18) is worse on WhatsApp) but not around kids.

well my grandparents and mother are both irish (grandparents dead now) and i never heard either swear in my life. So I don’t think it’s compulsory.