For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

Health visitors can and will support her and the children so yes they have everything to do with it if op needs support

My kids grew up around my Dad who swears a lot, they never swore in public or daily but I did once hear my DD3 (at the time) playing lego trying to get lego to join together and shouting fuck sake when she couldn't do it. To be honest at the time we thought it was quite funny as she had even used it in the right context but that was the limit of her swearing. To be honest I would say making a big deal about it makes it more of a thing it sounds like this has been turned into a major issue in your house which is why the kids are so confused,

he thinks makes him manly, but really the kids don't like it
what he will answer to his kids if they ask him: Daddy, what the work fuck means

I would find someone this emotionally retarded, repugnant. Protect your children. Give them a chance at excelling in the future and if you are able financially, go your separate ways.

with the look of absolute fear in her eyes

What was your DD's fear, @getmeout12?

Are you afraid of your husband?

Domestic abuse absolutely is something to report to your HV. It's very unclear whether you are describing abuse or a simple difference in manners. Is there something you haven't told us yet?

Clearly one of those 'don't do as I do, do as I say' He sounds abusive...to you and the kids.It's concerningly telling that your little girl is that scared of him....and blocking you...how immature and twatish!

Yes - thank you Potato1234. That is definitely what I meant as opposed to any swearing in front of children.

I want to understand this: he wants you to tell your child she is wrong to use words he uses. Yeah, NO! He needs to set the example.

That’s not helpful as he would get unregulated access to children if they split up. Better to try and resolve it before .. he won’t get banned from custody for swearing ..

Just googled “Feck” in Ireland and it’s considered very mild, a bit like saying “sugar” instead of Shxt. I think you may have misunderstood.

Report him to the health visitor 😂

I’m an inveterate swearer. I never swore at my young kids, but I definitely swore in front of them.

They are now 21 and 24 and I have yet to hear either of them swear. I’m sure they do. I’d hope they do. For some reason, they don’t in our company.

Well he can control it and chooses not to.
Even Gordon Ramsey didn’t swear around his kids so it’s not really an unbreakable habit!

What he told her off for swearing when it's him he's learnt to swear from?!!! I have a potty mouth myself and one of my kids came out with a fuck sake and I did not tell them off for it because it's my fault. I swear around my kids and never at them. They are not scared or upset by it- I think they quite enjoy pointing out I've let one slip and telling me off. That's not the situation you describe. Your child is scared of one of her parents that not ok. And he's blocked you on WhatsApp for raising the issue? He's not a good partner or father, if I were you I would seriously consider leaving and make it an ultimatum he either successfully change his attitude on this or you go. That the attitude of how he responds to your concerns as much as the swearing.

Definitely don’t swear AT our kids but our 2.5 yo did recently say “uhhh fuck sake there’s no ketchup” 🫣

I don’t understand why you would report it to the health visitor or school. A telling off from the teacher to your husband? They can’t do anything. My concern would be the aggression in the swearing and swearing at people, not the same as swearing if you break something or hurt yourself etc which I’d say is almost normal for a lot of people but also most are aware to try and avoid doing it around children.

He sounds like a right dickhead.

I wonder if part of the reason he overreacted at your daughter is that he's now got evidence that his behaviour is affecting her. He's been thinking he doesn't need to stop because she can just be told not to copy. If she does swear, then he knows, deep down, that it's his fault. She wouldn't have to be told not to swear if she wasn't hearing it all the time.

I think that what you hear has far more impact on your language than most people realise. My DH swears rarely, but there was a phase when he swore quite a bit more, and I think it was down to his colleagues at the time - even as an adult, he was influenced by what he was hearing. I don't think he even noticed the change.

I'm sorry but I don't really understand what's so bad about swearing. I know we bring children up not to do it, and treat it as naughty, but why? I get the impression that it's the upwardly mobile middle classes who find it so offensive, and I suspect it's because they're anxious for the whole family to present themselves as ideal employees and/or as slightly more posh than they really are. Royals and the super-wealthy don't seem to worry about "keeping up standards" in this way.

Just pondering out loud here, without judgement, as someone from a lower middle class family whose parents considered "bloody" an unacceptably strong swear word, "bastard" unforgivable, and the rest absolutely unspeakable. The TV would be switched off at the very first mention of a "bad" word.

Edited to add (sorry have not RTFT) that to me, what matters is the spirit of what you say, not the words you use. I've met some absolute psychopaths who speak very nicely. And some absolute diamonds who swear like troopers.

I'm Irish, I'm sweary, (fwiw I don't consider it an Irish thing), but I am capable of censoring myself around my children.
The words themselves aren't the issue, what matters is how they're used & it sounds like your husband is an angry swearer.

The issue as I see it is your husband's total hypocrisy! How can he tell your daughter off for swearing when she has picked it up from him?

It doesn't sound as though he's ashamed that he knows it's his fault & is lashing out, but it does sound like he's deflecting & unwilling to accept blame.

I'm curious about this statement you made early on in this thread: @getmeout12

"She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed"

Have you explored with her the reasons that prompted her to say that?

This is not an Irish thing

There’s a massive difference between swearing AT the kids and swearing AROUND the kids. Kids will hear swearing everywhere anyway - school, TV, social media etc - and are perfectly capable of being taught societal attitudes to swearing and appropriate times and places. They’re just words.

But really, that’s a side issue. Your husband’s attitude to conflict and your child’s apparent fear of doing the wrong thing are separate issues and sound concerning and need addressing.

He chooses to swear in front of you and his own children. He doesn’t care or respect you or them
You say he doesn’t swear in front of others people children because he knows how wrong it is.
Health visitor can’t help you. You need to decide if you want your children to be affected badly because you can’t get rid of him.

No.
Who wants to be like that? Prissy. Urgh.

It’s not the swearing. It’s the anger. Swearing at children, then telling them off in a way that leaves them terrified, is abusive behaviour.

It’s not about the f word.