For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

[getmeout12]

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

my god are you serious report to the health visitor 😂😂 for many generations in my house we would tell the children that there are words that are not acceptable for children to say- it’s worked for us. Your little girl was so upset because you have made such a fuss about him swearing. She thought you were going to bollock her. I’m not saying he’s right but the way you’ve handled this may have made it even more of an issue. Just teach the kids they shouldn’t say it and especially not outside of the house. If they do say it in the house just be more relaxed - it’s their home after all. Soon they will be teens and they will be fing and jeffing anyway.

He needs therapy to change his behaviour. Trouble is, people like him dont often like to go into therapy. There seem to be a strong habit, from his own parents. There also seems to be a low threshold for getting angry.

As for your children, its an easy thing to pick up if its around you. Had it happen at work, and I was an adult. Children are programmed to be like sponges. You are very right not to punish them. You did the right thing to comfort the scared child, especially before bed.

He needs therapy to change his behaviour. Trouble is, people like him dont often like to go into therapy. There seem to be a strong habit, from his own parents. There also seems to be a low threshold for getting angry.

As for your children, its an easy thing to pick up if its around you. Had it happen at work, and I was an adult. Children are programmed to be like sponges. You are very right not to punish them. You did the right thing to comfort the scared child, especially before bed.

I don't know if you can blame this on being Irish. It's a him problem. Becoming a you & your children problem.
Also the health visitor won't be interested your children are at school? They don't tend to get involved with over school aged children.
He needs to go to some sort of therapy, he sounds angry.

I could never be with someone like this.

Presumably he was a swearer when you got together and decided to have children? It is a bit late in the day now to try and stop him doing this - that ship has sailed! He is what he is. You chose him!!

You ned to have serious words with him - not swear words - and get this sorted.

I agree.

Irish here, and I say 'for fuck's sake' and 'for the love of fuck' like breathing, but never in front of my children, and never in anger.

DH is also Irish and not much of a swearer at all.

Like fuck it's being Irish 😂

I swear, not at my ds. DS is 13 now and swears sometimes like most teenagers.

As long as it's not at someone, or in front of teachers or other adults I don't really care.

Your DH sounds like a temperamental asshole though.

Also when your DD swears what do you say? I would just ignore it. She has a lot of shame as it is and it's not the end of the world.

The Irish definitely swear more in everyday conversations than the English (I’m Irish)

Whew, a lot to unpick in this OP.

Nothing bad comes to kids who grow up in sweary houses. I grew up hearing the F word and don’t really swear myself. I remember my mum thinking I was very prim and wouldn’t have cared if I swore. But my mum (or anyone else) never swore at me. There is an important distinction.

What is bad, is that you and your eldest seem to be very scared of your DH. His behaviour is not ok. He seems childish. How can he get angry at your children for swearing when he teaches it to them?? How can he block you for wanting to talk about it. How can he be so aggressive to his own children.

If you are genuinely scared of him, reach out to womens aid or the HV in terms of leaving him. The HV won’t be able to stop him swearing or treating you all badly, but they can maybe help you leave him.

I would say there's a difference between swearing and swearing at. We're a sweary household; largely because I have to hold it in all day.
I did try not to when the dc were little, but it didn't last. They were taught they only adults swear- like only adults can drive and drink beer etc. It's been fine. Neither has ever sworn in school (or been caught) because presumably they've watched us in different situations and learned to code switch. Ds tries to pretend the occasional swear slips out (he's 16) but knows better than to swear round us. He's very scathing of friends who swear for effect, too.

lol 😂. I’m still told to feck off but it’s in a sincere way

For all the things that are holy. Feck off 😂

Reading your post it isn't the swearing that stands out it is the shouting and swearing whilst shouting and the reaction of terror from your daughter when he was angry which is concerning. Is he aggressive? Does he have a temper? Blocking you on WhatsApp is unacceptable.

I'm Irish and that's not a normal Irish thing. I don't know any parents who swear in front of their kids.

I think you have bigger problems here than just the swearing though.

I would say there's a difference between swearing and swearing at.

Agree, it’s ok to swear if you stub your toe but not to swear at someone in anger.

You sound about as Irish as my foot 🦶👍

He sounds disgusting- disrespectful of you, of his children, short-tempered, unwilling to accept any responsibility or idea he could be wrong. Is he unintelligent? He sounds as if he is. Swearing at children or constantly infront of them in an angry/aggressive way is about causing fear.
I'd end the marriage and have as little to do with him as possible.

I think this is more than about swearing, the relationship with your husbands sounds odd. I wouldn’t report my husband but then again he respects my opinion as his wife and mother of our daughter. He is Irish.

Agree with this. I don't think the swearing in general is such a big deal that you would be thinking of reporting him to the authorities?! That in itself would be a major over-reaction, if this is all your reaction is about (but is it?).

Swearing happens. It's something adults are allowed to do, but not children. It's ok for there to be things that are just for adults. It's not great when a parent swears in front of children, but equally, nobody died. It's a matter of telling then that they're not allowed to do it, regardless of what the adults do.

If your children are hearing it a lot, then it's understandable your daughter let a swear word slip. It's right she be corrected on that, but why was she so terrified? Was she scared of your reaction or your husband's? That's not ok.

It seems to me that it's your husband's anger that's the issue here, not the swearing as such. Maybe some therapy for you both would be helpful.

@Mlanket

The Irish definitely swear more in everyday conversations than the English (I’m Irish)

This is 'definitely' not true as my English dh and my inlaws (all east end London) swear way more than me and my family/ friends (all Irish). I've rarely heard my parents swear and I have never sworn in front of them.

Regardless op your dh should be able to regulate himself better around young children.

They're not just syllables. What a daft thing to say. The whole point of swear words is that they have power.

At their most useful they can be a form of non- violent release- if you slam a door on your finger swearing is probably very therapeutic.

At their worst they can be aggressive threatening and frightening ; or used to ridicule or demean someone else.

Swearing at children or constantly infront of them in an angry/aggressive way is about causing fear.

That hits the nail on the head. I'm so fed up of the cool girls on MN who can't see any problem with swearing.

I swear on occasion : but never at my child. (Usually he gives me a row as I joke-sing “get your ass out of bed: I’ll explain it on the way”

my dad swore constantly: every second word was fuck or cunt. But he wasn’t agressive with jt.

irs the agression rather than the swearing which I’d find upsetting