To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

See - some people do think like this and that is why productivity is reducing because your colleagues are covering for you because you are 'off sick'.

If I am going to be harsh I will say that you havent thought about how you were going to manage your life with two children and a partner who seems to leave it all to you.

Having said that I am often shocked by people who dont seem to be able to manage anything that well, always turning up late, easily distracted by other tasks and not really listening to any solutions. I have a relative like this. Retired early, no children and yet when they had to help with an elderly relative they were hopeless. Half did something and then just got distracted and went off to do something else. In the end I did it because it needed completing.

Maybe look for some more practical solutions, to get you over this tricky period. rather shafting your employer who doesn't seem to be in any way responsible for any of your stress. Have you any AL leave left? or could you just take a week or so holidays, unpaid if necessary - to get you some breathing space , send the kids to nursery as usually and you'd have 3 days to sort things out at home at your own pace , maybe take a day out to get your hair done meet a friend for lunch, sounds like you just need to recharge.
As you seem to be able to just walk away from working, then it seems to me you should have disposable income that you could actually use to help you, hire a cleaner or , book a babysitter for one evening a week and one weekend day , so so you can focus on home stuff , even if you are broke this period wont last , in a short few years the kids will both be in school, and if spending your wage on what helps get you get through this i think you need to. I'm not sure what the actual stress is, nursery drop , collecting, tea etc all seem normal to me and only after kids in bed can you think of tidy up, maybe your dh and you need to work on a practical parent tag team - as soon as he gets in door the two of you do separate tasks so you can then eat together de-stress with kids in bed. Your DH needs equally to look at how he will sort the DIY tasks maybe he too needs to take a couple of days off.

By all means go to the GP and talk through why you are finding this so hard but I wouldn't be going off with stress.

You need to time manage better, if you are off work twice a week get the household chores done then, batch cook or get the slow cooker on so you ease the evening tasks.

If you leave work you'll have less money, why not use some of that income you have now which must be excess if you can afford to resign to buy in help and get a cleaner for a few hours a week if housework is the problem. Use the money and get a handy man round to complete the DIY.

What about the evening 'shift' do you find difficult? Can you rearrange the routine to make it easier. Dinner straight on getting home. Bath and PJs on if not going out. Then quiet play and reading until bed.

Hello. You sound like you are at the end of your tether and I’m sorry that you are feeling so low and exhausted by everything. Just to offer some thoughts. When my DD was younger I found things very hard for a range of reasons and was resentful of my DH at times but I came to realise that this was because our day to day experience was very different and it was difficult to connect as we were both stressed and exhausted for different reasons. The thing that helped, which I know is easier says than done, was to talk more, empathise with what the other was experiencing and try to support in little practical ways. And also working out time when we each get a break, when we spend time together etc. It made us feel more like a team and more understood and valued. I am not trying to say things are perfect but they are much much better. Also, I don’t know how your sleep is but to try get some days of interrupted sleep as that is a killer for me. Would it be worth speaking to your GP? Do you have any family who can help a little? You are stretched and need time to recharge. I can see you are desperate as you are thinking about ultimately resigning from your job. But this could bring further stress and anxiety and maybe now is not the right time to be making this kind of decision. I think when the kids are at this age, housework and DIY stuff tend to take a bit of a back seat so you can focus on other things. If the house is super clean but you are crying then the trade off is not a good one. Just need house stuff to be generally ok. You are doing a great job and things will get easier. Best wishes

I have tired to talk to DH and we don’t get anywhere.

I think this is your problem. Which means that you absolutely need to keep your financial independence in case he becomes a prick over loads of things.
Two under two must be incredibly hard (that's why I stuck with one) especially since having two in childcare would be so expensive but I think you need to somehow get through to DH that this is seriously harming you and will ultimately harm your relationship. In your position I'd be considering either moving house so that your DH has a shorter day and no excuse for not doing at least some drop offs and (assuming you actually like teaching), I'd put the kids in full time nursery and go back to full time work.

Then he's got no excuse to not do 50% of housework and child related stuff.

It sounds like he's out for 12 hours plus per day - I mean, that doesn't mean he can't help before or after he gets back. But WFH is just not an option for a lot of people.

The OP says he does one day WFH so he could at least do the drop offs and pick ups on that day if it was a day she was working.

Are you burning out OP?

If you’re burning out from stress - then yes, talk to a GP.

Burning out can take months or years to recover from

Sit down and make a list of what is going wrong.
then for each item-brainstorm how to fix or change.
make a sensible plan

Going off dick is not going to change anything , other than having time off work, stuck in your misery.

Many people find relief in just having a plan, or making small changes.
Ok to involve your DH, let him know why you are making plans & changes.

@Blaggoshpereish quick, edit your post to “Going off sick” before it’s too late and stuck on MN forever 😂

What happens on the 4 days a week that you're not off work?

Why April?

Six months notice period, it’s not that rare.

I can't work it out either, I think the info is intentionally vague so those difficult questions aren't asked of OP and she just gets people agreeing she should go off terribly stressed.
OP works 3 days a week and does drop offs/pick ups around that, plus looks after the kids on those days, fair enough that is a lot.
What does OP actually do on the other 2 days if not housework? Is the husband's WFH day on a Friday overlapping with a day she is at work, or is she at home that day?
If they are both working can they afford a cleaner or someone to do some of this DIY that needs doing? What are either of them doing on the weekend, can the husband (who does sound a bit useless) not do some of the DIY while OP takes the kids to the park for a couple of hours?
If there is a work issue it's probably that her workload has not been reduced to an appropriate 3 day a week arrangement and that needs addressing. But the rest of it sounds like poor time management and possibly a useless/unengaged husband.

If you're working, then you can afford to outsource some of the DIY/housework, and you can take AL.

I get that there's a juggle and you feel stressed, but if you quit your job, you'll likely just be looking after toddlers seven days a week, which is less productive than working in many ways! Plus you won't have as much money.

I'd take a week off as soon as you're able, and send the kids in to their normal childcare. Use the time to get on top of things and get ahead, and to source some external help.

Don't resign. If anything go back full time. Your husband isn't stepping up because he doesn't need to. You need to tell him kids are dual responsibility and he needs to step up. On the days you work you split pick up and drop off evenly. If you are the one making all the compromises, then your relationship is doomed. Sounds like you married mr. 1950s man, where your job is viewed as 'lesser' because it's part time.
Don't make the same mistake as me. I gave up my job, as I felt I couldn't cope with the stress of constantly rushing from pillar to post. But I ended up feeling incredibly resentful towards my husband.
I'm now back at work now, but before I went back I told dh he'd need to pick up the slack, or we'd divorce, basically I got much tougher. The kids are teens now, but we now split all kid related and domesticated activities 50/50 on dual working days. Dh does 75% grunt work on my working weekends just as I do 75% grunt work on my non working week days.
If you give up work and then separate, you'll be screwed.

I do get why people are saying to talk to DH but it is pointless. I’ve tried on a few occasions and he just takes it personally and so I end up having to diffuse things. That makes it sound worse than it is, he isn’t getting angry or anything, just a bit indignant and then the sniping and blame starts, it really is pointless. Talking to him massively exacerbates stress.

I do know whatever I do is alone and that sounds again worse than it is but it is just pointless involving DH in anything.

As far as I can see I just have to survive the next three years which doesn’t sound too bad when I say it like that but in the midst of it it is. And I’m not doubting for a moment it is similar for everyone with very young children.

If you can survive without your wage then it certainly sounds like you can put the children into childcare for one more day a week. Do it.

Take a couple of hours on that day for your health (yoga class or long walk outside) then blitz the house.

Even better if it can be fridays when your dh works from home and can help with the dropping off and picking up, just for the experience of doing it, my dh did a lot less of the childcare drops and pickups than me but he at least did some, the kids saw him collect him and didn't just think it was a mum-only job and he was able to see their learning environment and meet the staff.

You being at home with two young children the whole week long is NOT going to make it any easier to do housework or DIY, it's always hard when they're that age to clean around them and it's always frustrating and exhausting.

If you resign, will you still be able to afford to send the kids to nursery, or will you have them with you all the time? Because surely that’ll be pretty stressful too.

It a difficult time, but it doesn’t last forever, and it sounds to me as if you and your husband need to be more of a team.

You are find it hard because it is hard.
Both working and having 2 young children is tough, it's a juggling act which is finely balanced and the tiniest thing, such as a child or parent getting sick, can make it all fall apart.
It gets a bit easier when they are older in some ways as they can do much more for themselves dressed etc so I do a bit of work from home whilst they are doing this, which gives me some more flexibility around my hours.
Can you work your hours differently - not sure what your job is and if you can do some work from home?
But you need to work in a partnership. My husband drop them off most days as he starts and finishes slightly later and I do the reverse and do most pick ups. Rather than it being an 'I do more than you' discussion, it mat be helpful to engage his positively 'the girls wouod be so excited if you could finish early on a Friday collect from nursery and go to the park, they love time with their Daddy' etc

@Coconutter24 long notice period? I have one too. It’s awful. Makes you feel claustrophobic if work is difficult & stressful. Sometimes being part time is pointless if all you do is worry about work while you’re off or you get a full time workload.

Burnout can also mean you’re more susceptible to burnout again and again.

Hope you’re ok OP. Sounds awful. I’ve been there and I did quit. But back at work now and things are more manageable because the kids are older

No it’s not that - it was ‘go on the sick for year then leave’ that got people annoyed. Because that’s playing the system at others peoples expense.

If OP had come on and said ‘I’m struggling what can I do to make it better’ she would have got a different response.

Sorry if it looked like I was suggesting you were taking the piss, Teaching IS very stressful and i couldn't do it for double what they pay teachers.
I think even if you do take time off with stress then you will either have to go back or resign - is there another job you could do? I am sure you ahve lots of transferable skills, not sure you would get 3 days a week though with a good salary etc but your MH is important

So - housework. I do. I do lots of housework but as everyone with two very young children probably know it can be undone within a matter of hours. They both make a horrendous mess especially the older one and I am willing to accept this is crap parenting on my part but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Toys get strewn everywhere, the laundry is a constant battle, no one knows that the dishwasher exists apart from me. Meanwhile because I’m firefighting things like hoovering upstairs and tidying don’t get done. I think those posts show some people don’t really understand my days off aren’t spent chilling watching box sets or anything. My younger one also seems to think she needs to go into a period of extended mourning if I move two inches to the left, sometimes she cries if I put her down at all. Neither will just sit and watch tv, not that that’s a good thing but it can be helpful for when you just need to get stuff done. But they don’t, the older one definitely won’t.

Don’t give up work as you will feel really isolated. Work is the only thing that isn’t causing stress. You leave work and your DH will shift the entire load on to you, you’ll have less money and stuck in the house feeling more over whelmed.

And really - your DH not being able to discuss it or walking off and making you diffuse things is abusive and controlling.