To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

Can you use nursery one day a week on one of your days off. That will allow you to catch up on housework and have some time to yourself. Going off sick from work isn’t really a solution, you’ll still be in the same position in six months time. Do you get to spend any time with friends? It’s a great stress reliever.

She’s not said she’s ill, she’s got a husband who isn’t stepping up and feels overwhelmed. This is when getting a cleaner, even fortnightly, would make a difference (disclaimer: family will undo all the cleaner’s work within a few hours but it’s nice to know the house was clean briefly.)

Don't quit your job. Short term gain (maybe) but long term pain. Keeping your job means you can support yourself in future if your DH keeps being a dick and you separate.

Can you go and speak to your GP? Take time off and reassess.

It’s kind of you to agree it’s hard. I think the problem is it’s perceived by everyone I have it easy. So colleagues think my life is easy because I am part time; DH thinks it’s easy for the same reason … it’s actually just as hard and I don’t have any reduction in responsibilities.

I feel very trapped because of the long notice period and like I don’t have many options.

I would not give up your job, not unless you want to lose your financial independance. Change one of your working days to Friday so your DH can do the school runs - that eases the burden on you on one of the days. The others, make life as easy as possible - basic meals for dinner that can be thrown together/reheated, skip baths (kids don't need a bath every day) and don't try to do housework etc in the evenings. If you can, increase nursery by a day so on one of your days off you can catch up on household crap but also have a few hours just for you doing whatever brings you some peace and helps recharge your batteries. If finances allow, get a cleaner. Even if they just come once a fortnight and deep clean the bathroom and kitchen it will be a big help. If not, sit down with DH and come up with a plan that works where stuff gets done, you mange some family time and there is some time built in for a hobby each. We do it so on Saturdays I take kids to clubs whilst DH does ironing and cleans the house. That leaves sunday for family time and a lazy afternoon where we all get to rest. Its a grim time but it will get easier.

I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance.

Does your DH do his share?

Why can’t you go DIY and house stuff at the weekends?

can’t see how stopping work would help really? I’d rather be at work than with 2 preschoolers all day every day 😆
and you’re not sick.

Sometimes small things make all the difference. Cooking - slow cooker or bulk cooking at weekends? DIY - bring someone in or agree that one of you will take the kids out at weekend and the other do the most important tasks. Housework - cleaner or robot hoover or as above one do housework binge and other take kids out?

Get a handyperson in for the DIY and a cleaner.

You can't do everything, so prioritise and outsource. It's probably more cost-effective than quitting.

Stop arguing, total waste of time. Competitive misery is an even more corrosive waste of energy.

IF DH is not helpful and only makes life worse, think about your future carefully.

It is normal life when you have young children and both work. However from experience think about the impact to on others in your team before you "go off sick." If you have real mental health issues that's one thing but working when you have young kids is always going to be stressful. So if you can't hack it you should resign so someone else can be recruited.

You don't have any down time. Your DH does because he comes home to two bathed and fed, possibly sleeping, children.

At least put them in nursery a bit more so you can have a break.

My life became much easier when I went to full time. I took pressure off myself at home and was happy to split household stuff 50/50. When I was part time I felt I should do all the household stuff (dh didn’t say this, it’s how I felt so I was much happier sharing tasks when it felt more equal). 30 hours a week was the worst other than being able to do school runs.

Can you take some leave for a few weeks and see if thats what you really want. Or you could take the time to get things done that need doing and get your life into order so to speak?

It's very hard with 2 so young

The thing with going sick is your colleagues have to pick up the slack

Could you find someone local to pick them up, bring them home, make their dinner, give the house a quick tidy. That would make all the difference. We had a nanny who stayed on once dd started nursery at 2.5yo and she would pick up from nursery and do just that. Then when you get in from work you could spend some nice time with dcs rather than having to cook/clean etc.

Lots of people had for eg local teaching assistants who were happy to do this once they had finished work. We had one who stood in once when our Nanny was having an operation and needed time off to recuperate.

Genuine suggestion - get your DH to do the nursery runs for a week and then go away for the weekend to give him a taste of looking after them solo for a couple of days like you do.

I bet he won't think it's easy after that

I was exactly where you are and I still remember how exhausting it was.
It WILL get better.
If you are not taking a a really good vitamin D supplement (at least 5000 IU daily) you need to go to a good independent chemist and buy some now. Take it every day without fail until the end of March.
Look into adding at least one extra day of nursery on one of your days off.
Ask around neighbours/friends/nursery mums if anybody knows a good handyman who can do small DIY jobs. Make a list and get a quote for one day to get them all done.
All the usual advice about slow cooker/batch cooking/online shopping goes without saying.
If you can get through another year it will be easier.
As soon as DC1 starts school, get DC 2 into nursery every day and start looking for after school and holiday child care.
Hang onto your job.

Its an attitude like this that sets back women's progress in the workplace

What are you doing with your days off? Maybe if you can rethink them it will help.

When people moan about why employers don't want new Mums back at work...this shit is why

Are you a Teacher?
If so you probably have decent long term sick pay, there was a teacher at my DC's primary who went off sick for long periods if asked to do anything she didn't fancy.
If you really ARE poorly with stress etc I can see why you would consider it but its not a long term solution

Wow you're a special type of person aren't you 😡

Does your DH step up and help when he's back home? I know when you mean in that I am PT but doesn't feel like it as as soon as I finish at 2:30 I'm dashing how for school pick up, taking them to swimming, home for tea etc etc. My colleagues see me leaving at 2:30 and think 'alright for some' but I'm not going home to a bubble bath!
Having said that- it's family life. It can feel overwhelming but for me it would be 100x worse without my job as something else thats not 'mum'. I wouldn't go off sick for months and then resign it reflects badly on you and could affect future references etc. I would explain to your manager how you're feeling and sit down with DH to work out what you need from him to be able to cope better.