To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

I have tired to talk to DH and we don’t get anywhere.

I won’t be doing anything radical. Most likely just have a cry!

So your going to go on the sick when your not actually sick, claim the money, put pressure on your colleagues then leave

because your home life isn’t organised and you don’t get help of your DH?

I’m a small business owner and this would effect the entire team. You are my worst nightmare

What you describe just sounds like normal busy life, only you're part time and not full time. What happens on your days off? Do the kids still go to nursery? If not maybe think about putting them in nursery for some time to yourself. Why isn't DH helping?

I honestly think quitting your job is going to make you more, not less, stressed.

It doesn't sound like the job is the issue, it's your useless DH and having two under 5 which is stressful for most people.

I don't understand how your DH can WFH one day a week but not do any nursery runs - there must be a way to figure that out, whether it's switching your working days or him switching WFH days. He probably if he can WFH could also start later or finish earlier.

Rather than throwing away one salary and pension and career progression, can you outsource some of the things that are stressing you out? We don't do any DIY any more, it's expensive outsourcing it but with young children it's just not practical for us

I would go to GP, ask for 2 weeks sick note for stress, ask to be put on a waiting list for some talking therapy and in the meantime get
some medication for your stress from the GP. And that should help you to get some rest, perspective and go back to work rebalanced.

But to be honest, it does sound like pretty normal life with two working parents and two small kids. I have one almost pre-schooler but I work full time and I'm also feeling constantly stressed and like I'm chasing my own tail. The key is to really lower your standards and not expect non-critical things to get done. If DIY gets done great, if not, so be it. If you can survive without it, it's not critical.

What kind of company makes you give six months notice to leave/resign? That means even getting another job would be difficult if you can’t start it for six months. Is that even legal?

This phase of parenting can be hell!

You are doing a lot

Do the kids go to nursery on the days you don’t work?

Can your dp get a job closer to home? 7pm is late

can you reduce your days to 2?

this is only a phase it will get easier

can u afford a cleaner?

go on a night out with your dp?

Are you a teacher who's missed the resignation deadline for the term, OP? That's really hard, and I strongly suspect that your stress levels are high enough that GP will sign you off for a few weeks - crying all the time is not good. I would start with that and see if you feel more in control after a rest.

Are you a teacher?

In fairness, the OP did not offer us a choice between leaving her job and getting her husband to parent. She asked if she should "go off sick for the rest of year and then resign". In this context, she has to resign because she is not sick and only wants to tide herself over with a couple of months of sick pay while having no intention to go back to work. And I think this is what the PP was referring to with their post.

How much help are you buying in?
When my children were small we had a nanny which reduced the pressure immeasurably as she came to our house in the morning and stayed until I got home, usually around 6:30. Part of her job was to tidy up after the children, plan their meals in the week and do their laundry etc which reduced my load. I also had a cleaner. All of that help was expensive, and if we added it up may well have been pretty much everything I was earning at that point in time, but it meant I could keep pursuing my career and was an investment in our family's future. It was absolutely worth it and saved my sanity. It isn't a complete fix however because inevitably the job of replacing a nanny if she resigned or went on mat leave, or dealing with cleaners who did a half-arsed job would fall to me.

An alternative is for you to put the children into nursery on one of your non-working days to give you a bit of breathing space and look at buying in whatever element of help you can and which would help you the most. Could you get a handy man in for a day and give him a list of jobs to sort so those are taken care of? Would a cleaner to do the bathrooms and kitchen help?

I suggest all this because while I know how bad it feels to be pulled in all directions and totally overwhelmed, not working isn't always the answer and can leave women in a worse position. This is just a stage you have to get through, and, while your children won't need less as they grow, their needs will change which should make life easier. Fine to have some time off work if you need it to recover, but while you are off you will need to be thinking about how to address these issues in the longer term. The answer may be to resign, but there are alternatives too.

Can you speak to your employer about taking a short period of unpaid leave and using up any remaining annual leave you may have instead? I do think if you're feeling constantly stressed then it's worth speaking to the doctor about whether getting signed off may help. If you can potentially afford to quit your job, perhaps outsource some of the housework and get an odd jobs man in to finish those niggling jobs.

Well she sounds depressed stressed and on the edge, [plenty of people do go off sick for that. It's not fraud, regardless of whether you disapprove of it or not.

It sounds very hard. Why couldn’t you leave till April? Any chance of getting a nanny who would come to your house? That would ease things. Also husband needs to help more if he wants to keep status quo.

I know - it is probably just normal life. I’ve no idea why I’m finding it all so hard.

You’re home two weekdays plus a weekend? How are you using those days? Young dc are full on but many of us manage (albeit with slightly lower standards sometimes). You off sick won’t get the diy done. Can you pay a handy man to come in and do some bits?

@FfsBrian people with your shitty attitude to mental illness are my worst nightmare.

how were you envisioning “going off sick”?

I’m all for people putting their wellbeing first and being signed off when needed - but this just sounds like a problem with your lifestyle rather than needing to be signed off sick. It’s not fair to think ‘bollocks to work and everyone there’ because you’re unhappy at home. You need to find a different job or make alternative arrangements with your husband. You say you can’t leave until April but there is always room for compromise especially if you say you feel you will end up on long term sick leave if you can’t finish earlier. My friend has been off work with full pay for 6 months, is planning on doing another 6 months half pay and then resigning. She bungs it on about stress to the GP but really she just hates her job and isn’t very good at it

And I think you could do with a week or two on the sick

I can’t believe you think this is a legitimate reason for going on the sick!

You have a DH problem and (very likely) an organisational/time management problem. You only work 3 days a week. Once the kids are in school, which isn’t long, then you will have more time to yourself on those days off.

I see @Okayornot has already suggested a nanny. This is what we did when our children were small. it was expensive but made a massive difference as there was no picking up or dropping off required and she made their tea! It’s worth it to keep job going definitely.

Because it IS really hard. It's not wrong to find it difficult.

I don't think I have ever been so tired as I was when my oldest was tiny, I was working ft and doing all the nursery runs because DH was away M-F. I ended up moving closer to work, hiring a nanny and basically changing everything to make things easier.

You are finding it all so hard because life can be bloody hard (especially with young kids and a DH who doesn’t sound like a huge support). Please be kind to yourself. 💐

My thoughts exactly.