To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

I am @Hoppinggreen and I have to say I’ve never taken time off before bar the odd bad cold / virus few days sort of thing. I do think I am stressed, probably won’t take time off for it but it isn’t just taking the piss.

You want to be signed off sick for having a normal life and workload?

If being a manager who doesn't want employees who take the absolute piss is 'special' then sure. But I bet far more would agree with me that you can't just go off sick for months on end because what - youre arguing with your husband about childcare? Your husband isn't around enough in the evenings? Why is the company paying you sick for that, sort your home life out on your own time

Its tough when the dc are that age, really really tough. My dh had lots of international business trips so was often not there. I found that whilst i could "do it all" just about i was utterly miserable and stressed all the time. I wasn't enjoying working, i wasn't enjoying parenting, I wasn't enjoying life...

We had a spare bedroom, so got an au pair. Which saved my sanity. Just having an extra adult to watch the dc whilst i cooked dinner, or someone to pick up the toys whilst i gave the dc a bath, or just pop to the shop to buy some milk literally just took a whole burden of pressure off me.

I would say throw money at making your life easier. Get a cleaner. Pay someone to do the diy. Hire in extra childcare.

Its a phase of parenting that will last only another one or two years, the rhythm of family life will change once they are both in school. You're allowed to find it hard, because it is relentless.

Thought for a moment this was going to be about the Equal Pay day at the end of the month.

Sorry things are so tough right now OP :( Someone described the stage you're in as 'the trenches' when I was at the same point. It's tough. Sending strength and hope you're able to find more balance soon!

Making your employer pay for you and your husband's inability to manage your home life is taking the piss.

You only work three days a week! What are you doing the rest of the time?

It sounds like poor time management if you can't keep on top of your home and domestic duties in four days!

5 months notice period is ridiculous. Are you sure it's not 3 months?

You haven't answered questions about how you would cope financially without your input.

I would get DH to WFH on one of your working days so he is doing at least one drop off and pick up day. He should also sort food that day. Also get him to do pick up on at least one other day.

This is the eye of the storm age wise. It does get easier when they start school, although then you do need to balance after school clubs/childminders.

Is there any scope for you working from home?

Also forgot DIY for now.

God help one day when some people commenting on here might feel stressed and depressed and unsure what to do with themselves. Just wow.

WFH is just not that simple for a lot of people - not all jobs can be done from home.

It sounds like he's out for 12 hours plus per day - I mean, that doesn't mean he can't help before or after he gets back. But WFH is just not an option for a lot of people.

As for the OP, I'd say a teacher missed the deadline to resign and is now looking for a way out.

@Attelina if she's looking after 2 under 5s on her days off, it's not really free time!

Precisely!!!

You say that you don’t have a reduced workload. It is a common problem that part time workers still end up working almost full time. I would push back on your employer if you think your workload isn’t appropriate for the number of days that you do.
At home you need to push for your DH to do more. I was in your situation and eventually my DH left. I kept ‘nagging’ (in his words, nothing ever changed, our relationship got worse and worse as I didn’t have time or energy to invest in it.

I see you - your set up is similar to mine and it’s A LOT. I don’t think you should resign, but if you are feeling overwhelmed and this is impacting your work and home life it’s ok to take a bit of time off.
If you can’t do your job in 3 days, can you do
it in 4 days instead? Or you need to look at a different role or asking for some additional resource to help.
It’s tough for your husband too, he’s got a lot on his plate. But I think asking for him to agree one day a week with a late start/ early finish so he can do nursery run is a reasonable request - after-all on the 3 days you work you both have to jointly balance kids and job.
As others have said, you need to get a cleaner, get someone round to do the DIY (taskrabbit and your local Facebook groups are great for finding local people). You and your husband can take a day off when the kids are in nursery and blitz the DIY to do list, not glam or how you want to spend your leave but it’s the reality of the situation because you are so time poor and knackered. I know this!!
Resigning your job is a huge move. Taking control of some smaller elements is much less dramatic and can help give you some control.

Part time work is hard!! I get it, I resigned last year as I wasn’t coping either at home or at work. Also with part time, my salary was just paying for nursery fees. Every time my dc was off sick l, my employer hated it. I was doing unpaid overtime just to keep head above water. The day off with my dc we were both tired and cranky.

I still work part time but have taken multiple smaller part time roles and reduced nursery days to save money so it is possible to find more of a balance. I still have very little at the end of the month but i have another year to get through before school starts and not having to pay nursery- even part time is so pricey!

for me resigning was the first step. Once I had done this it was like a weight had lifted. Can you talk to your employer about negotiating an earlier exit? 6 months seems like a long time! Often long exits don’t work for employers either so they may be amenable to this.

But he does WFH one day a week already - says so in the OP

Leaving work put a nail in our marriage (aside from another issue). He’s so bitter that I get to be at home and I’ve only started to get it. We should have figured it all out better.

After not actually getting a job I was supposed to start a few months ago fall through am starting a new job in the next few weeks and getting ducks in a row but I can pretty much say if I hadn’t left work (and I was where you were, we were fighting, we’ve 4 kids and childcare left falling through so we were both in trouble with managers, on three occasions I left 13yo home alone sick for a few hours, horrible horrible stuff!) we’d be the team we used to be. Talk to him and make sure you both agree on something and breathe and look at every avenue objectively.

This. It can be brutal during these years but this is pretty normal.

As others have pointed out your DH should be doing more so you need to have that conversation.

But getting signed off sick and then leaving is a terrible idea. It will damage your employment record and being long term unemployed with two small children and less money will not make your life less stressful.

YWBU to get signed off sick. You are not sick, it would be fraud.

You can resign of that would improve your lives. If you didn't have nursery fees that would help a bit but it won't be easy to get back into work once your youngest is at school. Your long term prosperity would be lower.

If you stay in work: Is your DH guilty of presenteeism at work in order to avoid home responsibilities? I bet he could arrange to go in a bit later 2 days a week and leave a bit earlier 2 days a week to take the pressure off you. Could you afford a cleaner? That could make a huge difference.

You could talk to your gp and perhaps get signed off for a few days to spend resting and regrouping. I agree that long term sick then resigning isn’t a good way to go but you sound very stressed and may need a short break.

Take unpaid parental leave first. You can get 4 weeks for each child per year I believe.

Thanks for saying that @Aliciainwunderland

It is a help to know I’m not alone. I think the issue is as you’ve said feeling like I’m not coping at work or home.

I'm not even going to put a tin hat on when I say this...

Can your household manage on one wage?

Some parents today have so much pressure placed on them something is going to give and normally its their MH in feeling snowed under.

I totally get that your DH can't do the drop offs/collects from childcare, so many people on MN think work is 9-5, that's fine if it's WFH but they never seem to factor if it's not on your doorstep travel time is involved which can vary greatly due to many circumstances.

Although cost of living is a nightmare for some right now would you feel less stress if you gave up work and became a SAHM for now, can you yourself do any of the DIY around the house?

Surely both you and your husband would prefer and happy(ish) household rather than one where tension and arguments are always at the forefront.

You need to sit with your DH and explain how you feel. It's not surprising, with two small ones.

Resigning will probably make you more stressed. Work, IME, even hard work, is less stressful than spending 24/7 with two pre-schoolers. Your house will also be far more messy with you all in the house all the time.

Can one of you take the children every Saturday so the other can get chores down around the house and then you can enjoy Sunday together?

I don't understand why you can't do any housework because you work 3 days a week.