To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

I disagree, sometimes you need the headspace to even make that list and that's where time off can help.

OP I think it sounds like you need a break and are right to listen to your body. Crying all the time etc is a sign it's too much.

You don't need to go off sick until Christmas, but take two weeks at least and get some support in place or go to counselling with DH. See if you can up childcare hours temporarily too so you get a day / half a day to yourself guaranteed when you return. Can family help at all?

Nobody wants to go to work, do they?
😊

Sounds like your real problem is with your DH. If you can't have a reasonable conversation with him about basic things like housework and childcare, that is a massive issue. You're unsupported and taking on all the stress yourself.

Hadn’t read that from OP must of missed it

I'll hold my hands up and say i missed that, sorry.

There are some very kind posts here and even if you think it’s helping because there’s no real solution, kindness and solidarity are making me feel much less alone and thank you for this.

It is exhausting to juggle everything with young children. Could you maybe tackle one or two tasks on the days you are off and then that way it is done and the following week you can focus on something else on the list? It's overwhelming but sometimes we just need to manage our time better in order to get a handle on things again.

Not since covid no.

Eh? Why can't you leave until the end of April?

If it's because of a long notice period and you aren't planning on getting another job just do something dismissal-worthy. Doesn't have to be anything that bad, just be really annoying and negotiate a compromise agreement.

Blimey. I'm sorry you're getting roasted.

Firstly, go to the GP. Get your iron, thyroid, vit D levels checked or whatever they recommend. However the tests come back I'd be tempted to take a good iron and vit D supplement, and a multivitamin anyway. I know it's a bigger problem than this but do it anyway.

This sense of not being able to imagine things getting better is not just inevitable, it could be a symptom of depression. Do not give up your job on the basis of that. Talking to your doctor about whether a couple of weeks off might help would be a sensible first step, and much more proportionate than resigning. You need some serious conversations with your husband about splitting the load even if that means shifting some things that look immoveable. Going down to being a one income family is a hell of a lot of a bigger shift than him managing to do a few pick ups. It would be utterly disproportionate for you to resign because he won't help.

There is having a lot on your plate and feeling it's a grind, and there's so tired and burned out you are losing function. Sometimes it is MH and sometimes resigning is part of the solution, even if other people minimise it or think everyone should be able to cope because they could. But not as a first pass. You have more options than you think, but you need to put yourself at the centre of this and draw on help (including from your husband) because long term that's how this ship stays afloat.

Parental leave might also be an option - for your husband to take.

Teaching part time can be just as hard if not harder than working full time so I get it. The 2 days you have “off” aren’t really that, are they?!! If it helps, I left a teaching role earlier than the deadline many years ago by just asking to be released early - they granted it with no issue. It’s cheaper for them rather than paying sick pay.
Since then, I have been working as a 1:1 teacher on a zero hours contract which is so much better with young children in the mix.

Keep your job, put children in nursery on your days off then you have time to do the housework, supervise tradespeople and decompress a bit?

What are your DHs contracted hours? How many hours is his commute. If he is out of the house "working" for any more time than that on a regular basis, he needs to stop. Many a man uses being "needed" at work to avoid childcare. That is where I'd start.

Dont think anyone is suggesting you're watching boxsets but still think it's unusual to be doing housework 2 full days a week.
Anyway are your kids of an age where you can gameify the housework? E.g who can put all the toys back in the toy box fastest, who can match up all the socks in the laundry quickest, other stuff like that.
It's sad in another post you've said there's no solution, there is - your husband stepping up. He can do the dishwasher and some hoovering on his day at home.
A lot of people who go off work with stress don't come back. The thought of it gets worse and worse because it's not actually a solution so can just make you more stressed. You're just pushing the problem of how you manage everything down the road as you then have to decide if you go back and it's chaos again, or you quit and don't have the money. Have you ever taken yourself off for a day or even god forbid a night so your husband has to manage and can see everything you're having to do on those 3 days?

So you have 4 days a week when you aren’t working so why can’t you do your housework then?

You can’t just go off sick because you can’t cope with working. Resign if you need to

@Blabla81 this is it. So for example I have to get some letters sent out before the end of the week. The ladies who work in repo don’t work Fridays, I don’t work Thursdays, it all has to be done by Wednesday. One example of many!

I would go the other way. Go full time and use the extra money to pay for a cleaner and some extra childcare

Op, if you can't talk or discuss things with your husband, then your marriage is screwed. He's a selfish man. I strongly suggest marriage counselling so you can air grievances without him getting the hump.
You're married to a bellend only not as useful....I was too, but mine realised I was being very serious about divorcing, and agreed to marriage counselling. Sometimes mine tries to slip back to his old ways, but a metaphorical sharp prod and things are okay again. If I had my time over, I wouldn't have married him OR wouldn't have had children. It was only when we had children his true colours came to light; our lives didn't change when we got married, it was only after having kids I saw the real 'man'.

My husband and I used to be in the same situation. We got a cleaner and started using a laundry service. Both are worth their weight in gold for us to be able to actually focus on our jobs, and having quality time as a family when not at work. If you can afford this, it could help a lot!

Well, the poster is right.

How did women manage in the past?
They toughened up, because there was no choice.
And yes, there was lack of vitamin D, anemia and so on, reasons for feeling tired and overwhelmed.
People forget this.

I work full time with two pre-schoolers and actually think it's easier than part time as everyone knows their roles and things have to be shared with DH. I would go back full time and get a cleaner once a week to do all the actual cleaning. As for tidying, I've found it's much easier to be disciplined with toys, they're all in high cupboard and only one thing is allowed out at a time and that must be put away before another comes out. I also think focussing on one toy is much better for learning and development. If you're out the house, there is less cooking and less mess. Few bowls from breakfast quickly in the dishwasher, kitchen cleaned after dinner, shouldn't take much time especially if the kids are in bed by 7.

So - housework. I do. I do lots of housework but as everyone with two very young children probably know it can be undone within a matter of hours. They both make a horrendous mess especially the older one and I am willing to accept this is crap parenting on my part but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Toys get strewn everywhere, the laundry is a constant battle, no one knows that the dishwasher exists apart from me. Meanwhile because I’m firefighting things like hoovering upstairs and tidying don’t get done. I think those posts show some people don’t really understand my days off aren’t spent chilling watching box sets or anything. My younger one also seems to think she needs to go into a period of extended mourning if I move two inches to the left, sometimes she cries if I put her down at all. Neither will just sit and watch tv, not that that’s a good thing but it can be helpful for when you just need to get stuff done. But they don’t, the older one definitely won’t.

Honestly, go back to work full time and send your kids to nursery full time. Just reading all that is stressful. And make sure that your DH is paying for half the child care. I'm sorry, I agree with a pp, his behaviour is at least verging on abusive because he is (deliberately or not) shutting you down when you are trying to tell him that you are struggling.

I get it, don’t worry. Unless you’re a teacher, it’s very hard to understand. You can also feel quite detached from work at the same time due to missing things that happen on the days you’re not physically in the school. You’re basically doing the same workload but for less money. Less PPA too.

Or if you read it properly it says "for the rest of the year". So 7 weeks is not a year in anyones book. Sometimes people struggle. And that's ok. Sometimes people are just nasty fuckers, and that's not ok.

Gosh OP it sounds like you’re really struggling.
If you’re crying and feeling stressed, nothing wrong with seeing GP and telling them how you’re feeling. You’d probably be signed off for a couple of weeks without asking. That’ll give you time to sort alternatives; maybe a cleaner (as previous PPs have said) and rest.
I personally wouldn’t resign. It seems drastic.
This is a hard stage with two little ones.
As for tidying up, make it a competition for the children. Music on etc
Can be fun!
It does get easier- it really does. You’ll look back and wonder how you managed it. I do 😃