To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

This.

Why can't he get up earlier and do an hour of housework/laundry each morning?

Stop letting him off the hook just because he strops when you try to discuss this. Let him strop. Tell him you need to sit down and divide responsibilities fairly.

Starting immediately.

Ok op ! So sounds like you have made poor choices and now are having to suck them up for a bit. Have a messy house for 9 months.

but what can you do NOW to help YOU in the future?

get a robot hoover and get the kids to pick up their stuff
carefully choose schools to ensure 50 50 school drops.
give everything non kid related to DH to do so he has to do it all forever.

good luck !

It amazes me how many men will let their wives get to breaking point as they don't want to put themselves out. Even if nursery means a longer commute for him a couple of times a week surely you'd do it to support a struggling spouse?

People seem to forget that you're supposed to be married to someone who loves you and surely you want the best for someone you love?

Please do go to your GP, as soon as possible, I hope you have a good sympathetic one. You should not have to suffer like this, take time off work your mental health is more important. You do sound unwell, take a few weeks/ months off and then decide if you should quit work. I think you need to be on sick leave.

In my case, I went through a period of high stress, palpitations, insomnia, shaking, really bad temper, the anxiety was horrendous. Went to GP for a non related reason and while there my heart rate was through the roof, I thought it was another panic attack. GP sent me straight to ER and turned out it was an overactive thyroid which was causing all my symptoms. I had suffered for months, probably over a year, putting my symptoms down to stress and anxiety, and was on the edge of a thyroid storm which could have killed me. My sister has gone through a terrible time recently with what we thought was her mental health, she was just diagnosed with really low B!2 and low folate, she has started B!2 injections this week.

Please don't dismiss how you are feeling and do take the time off work until you figure out if it really is work / life balance causing you untold stress.

Do not feel guilty about taking sick leave.

I have already commented on this thread but it saddens me to see so much ignorance and dismissive talk when it comes to people facing a complete burn out...long term, constant stress can have a dire effect on mental and physical health.

Please OP go and see your GP and give yourself a break.

It will help you make more rational long term decisions and also give you the opportunity to have a serious talk with your partner about him stepping up and taking his fair share of childcare and house admin.

Just to put this into context I ended up having a complete breakdown a year ago and it even lead to suicidal ideation. I had had years of constant stress (job issues, assault, having to cut off toxic relatives, health issues, moving to a completely new location buying a new house that turned out to need more work than expected, all in quick succession).

I just kept pushing myself (had very little choice as I was doing everything on my own) and in the end my mind and body could not cope anymore. My GP was fantastic and I was off for almost two months to try to recover. I would not be here today if I had not pressed pause and give my body and mind time to recover.

A year later I am doing better but it has taken anti-depressants, therapy and a lot of life style changes to reach that point.

Here to chat if you want - it’s a hard time. The autumn term is always hard work and kids under 5 are challenging too.

have you seen https://www.mtpt.org.uk ? Fantastic community doing lots to support parents to stay in teaching.

leaving is really radical and while it might be right for you there might be some different things you can do if you can take a few days and really try to work out what the flashpoints are. Is it drop offs being rushed, a sense of not having any time for you, overwhelm at work? Each have different possible solutions and I’m feeling the same rn but what if you took an hour over the weekend, glass of wine, make notes on what parts of the week have felt the hardest and just focus on getting one or two of those under control?
are you primary or secondary?

Why do you think screwing the system is normal behaviour

'@Notaflippinclue · Today 09:53
Why do you think screwing the system is normal behaviour'

Taking time off sick when you are struggling to cope mentally is not 'screwing the system', it is sensible behaviour.

I don't get how step no.1 to stop burnout can be for OP to go off sick at work so she can get everything done at home, rather than to get the other parent to do their share of parenting and housework FOREVER.

Why should the OP's career, income, pension, the other staff and children all be negatively affected because her DH doesn't pitch in at home?

rather than to get the other parent

Because you can't control other people's actions and OPs DHs inaction is adding to the stress. She can only control her own actions and therefore in order to have the mental bandwidth to reassess and reorganise her life in a way to reduce stress going forward something has to give now.

I may have missed it but I don't think she has asked him to share the pick ups and drop offs from the nursery.

I don't think she's explicitly said unless ive also missed it, but she has said that they each think eachother has it the hardest, and that talking to her husband is met instantly with defensiveness and it shuts down any conversation and talking to him just causes more stress because it doesn't solve any issues.

It suits him perfectly fine because he is flat refusing to change any behaviours because he says he is disadvantaged and doing more than his fair share for what is a lot of unquantifiable hidden load that he most certainly isn't sharing.

I find routines help me feel more in control. Maybe creating a routine for getting a few manageable things done each day you’re home with your kids and a routine each night when your husband gets home? He puts them to bed while you do some cleaning/tidying? Then by 8pm you can both sit and relax together?

While I know that wouldn’t be a break for you per se, it would be guaranteed child free time each day where you could maybe listen to music/audiobook/podcast and get a few things done (and feeling productive can be good for your mental health). And knowing you have that time at the end of each day might make you less stressed about the chaos inevitably created when your kids are home. You can get a lot done in even 30 minutes with no distractions.

I also agree that he should do a few small chores (load of laundry/ironing/clean toilets) before work starts the day he works from home and he has the house to himself. If you both agree you are ’working’ from say 8am to 8pm each weekday, whether housework, childcare or paid job, then maybe it’ll feel like the division of labour is fairer. But he needs to acknowledge that the time you’re home with your children (even if you can’t get anything else done) is definitely work!

OP thinks it unreasonable to ask him to share pick up and drops off though so not sure she has and it would make a bit difference.

Oh I agree definitely.

I mean I'm not hopeful it will yield results if he's got a twelverife mindset but she should ask. Can't complain that he's the poor communicator if she isn't extending communication either.

At least based on the back of his response she can move forward and find an alternate solution.

If you read the thread he leaves/comes home from work before nursery opens/closes

Honestly OP
No one walks in your shoes and just cuz many people manage living like this, that doesn't have to be your life.
I can manage working now with a teenager and a toddler
But when my teenager was a toddler, I was a young single mum with no support.
I left work and managed as best as I could.
Now, I have all the support I need and lots of people I trust around me.
Having the right support is everything.
We only live once, do whatever it takes to protect your mental health. This period of time will pass anyway.
Maybe there's other things you can do, explore all angles and good luck.

You're completely overwhelmed and have no time for yourself. Your DH sees you have 2 days off so really doesn't understand the problem. So you either get a cleaner for one of your working days or more time at home without the DS's. If you work Mon to weds and DH is WFH Fridays you need an additional day of childcare for the Thursday. That's your day to spend on housework, sort out admin, appointments, arrange a handyman to visit for DIY if needed etc. Friday you have the DS's and DH at home without the resentment of jobs needing doing.

This stage of parenting was the worst (until they became teenagers but that’s another story). I know you don’t want to put the kids in extra childcare but if they did one extra day and then you used that day at home to do domestic work ie life admin, cleaning batch cooking or whatever then you’ll actually spend quality time with them when they’re home and will take the pressure off yourself. I know people say lower your standards but it’s very hard to let go of that if everything feels out of control. I have learned to be a little more relaxed but it’s a battle and it’s much harder if you have lots of other stresses. On a side, I found the return to full time work actually helped because then the lopsided domestic responsibilities were more obvious and I felt like work really had had enough of me by the end of the week so I wasn’t worried about not pulling my weight there.

Seriously? That sounds like normal life for nearly all families with young children! 🤷‍♀️

And so he needs to shift his hours like everyone else with children has to do if both parents work. If he works at home one day a week his job is probably quite flexible. He could start later so he drops them off and finish later for example.

Just wanted to say, only one 2y old and we are struggling in all the same ways. It's hard, it's very fricking hard and we don't have a solution. Going sick then resigning is on my wishlist but it's not financially possible right now.

Our house needs work, diy, cleaning, decorating, reorganising and stuff, but its almost impossible when you have a little who needs lots of your time. You may find spirited children pages on FB useful if you want some sympathy about how difficult it can be when your littles are not potato kids.

It's better to drop your standards with regard to tidying and reorganising for a few years than give up your career. An untidy house has no impact long term but giving up you career will.

Agree, wombat.

Everyone would like to take it easy, but the long-term ramifications of dropping out are significant.

Hey OP.
Sorry to hear you are struggling right now.
I think some posters in response are being particularly harsh.
I don't agree in essence with the idea or thought of going off sick, however when you are really in the trenches in the thick of things, that can sometimes come across as the only option. I appreciate that as I have been there. However if you were to do that, it would not be a solution to your problems, it would as other PPs have mentioned be a bit shit on your employer and colleagues, and only give you very short term relief for a bigger problem, which would still be there.
Ultimately you don't seem to have a job problem, you have a husband/communication/organisation problem.
It is going to take some effort from both parties to try and help fix your situation.
You have not mentioned much about finances.
As other PPs have suggested, can you outsource some jobs, can you both use some leave to take days off to get some things done?
The kids are only small for a short time and it does get easier, but you both need to stop having a race to the bottom, sit and have a good discussion about how you both can help eachother and your family and try to get on the other side of it.
It's hard to try to take a step back to look at things logically when you are exhausted and can't see the wood for the trees.
Hugs OP. Its not easy, but you're already doing an amazing job and don't forget that x