To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

Teachers who do this need to leave the profession.

There are other jobs out there

I know exactly where you are coming from and whilst this seems to be accepted as normal life these days …. Should we be accepting it?

Both you and dh need to discuss making changes.
Dhs hours don’t sound like they are conducive to family life so perhaps he needs to get home earlier on at least half the week and be a dad.
If this means a shorter commute then job change / move house.

If dh takes on board half the kid and house work then you could even increase your hours, be more independent and pay more into your pension. Oh, and earn more.

The 'stress' is her marriage though not her work.

Why should schools have to use their budget for this (supply staff)?

She's only in 3 days a week and is complaining about household chores that get her down.

She needs to work on her relationship instead of allowing her H to skive his share of chores.

You sound overwhelmed and I think you are struggling because it's loads of different challenges rather than one big challenge.

A few practical suggestions. Yes you need a break you are stressed, it is just presenting in your behaviour you noted.

Do go to your GP for support. That is likely a week, two weeks to protect your MH. Ask also for some counselling if possible or do you have EAP?

If so use that space to help you with the mental load.

Then when you have had some time and some support time for planning.

Break up the load more fairly. Laundry he is at home three days he is responsible for it for the week it doesn't come on your mind it is in his control.

Drop offs and pick up. He is responsible the days you work.

Yes you can do them yes it means he is in the car, somewhat. It gives you some time. That time is your time to reset your mind to work and the same on the way home. It will release the load a little.

Get a recommendation for a cleaner. If they want to reshuffle, give it a try.

Get out for a walk with the children more while your husband gives a quick tidy then swap this over.

Reducing the noise and juggling will really help.

Quite.
The good quality ones are so rare.
Sad.

I’m so glad I didn’t consult Mumsnet before I had a break from work due to stress.

Newsflash, dickheads - to be affected by things differently is not a weakness. You are not better than anyone else just because you raised 8 kids on your own while living in a mud hut.

OP - talk to your GP. Perhaps you need a break to try and prevent burnout. Talk to your husband. What solutions can be suggest? Let yourself breathe and rest before you make any big decisions.

I was thinking this.
My husband and I both work well over an hour from home/our girls school. As far as possible, we try to make sure one of us is wfh on each day so can respond quickly if the girls are unwell, it's also quieter for wfh if it's on a day children are in nursery.

Nothing wrong with you at all!!!
honestly it is just hard.
i have lots of empathy and little practical advice.

I have one child, age 2, and I work 3 days a week. I find it hard !! It’s hard to balance. Hard to stop thinking about work on days ‘off’. Hard to find time to do housework with a small person underfoot.

i also have given up having discussions with my husband. He basically says ‘ I have no time either, I can’t do anymore’. And I’ve had lots of firm discussions about how my days ‘odd’ with toddler are NOT a holiday. To be honest on that one the best way to get the message home is leaving the husband with child alone for half a day at the weekend. Then suddenly it’s so hard!

one thing I will say: I find validation that others find it hard is helpful. But someone said to me - if you find it hard, then it is hard. Ie you can validate yourself too.
we are all different. Just because someone has 3 children works full time and thinks it’s easy, doesn’t mean we have to.

only practical suggestion I have is: think ahead for when your eldest starts school. Can your husband do drop off? So you don’t end up doing nursery AND school run!! As you said, now you’re embedded in your current set up, and that happens to many of us.
but plan ahead if you can

How is becoming totally financially dependant on your (crap) husband going to help matters? I’d be going back full time instead!

Your main problem is that your husband is unsupportive and you are exhausted and resentful. I was married to someone similar and waited until my DC were school age to divorce him. My life became easier and less stressful without him and I’m guessing, unless your DH steps up a bit, your marriage won’t survive.

Further response because on reflection I think I was a bit harsh first time around.
Sorry it's so hard. I remember it well, even 25 years on. Constantly rushing, panicking, getting on to the next job. Firefighting endlessly.
These strategies may or may not help.
Lower your standards with home cleanliness. Be selective about the bits that need frequent hoovering or cleaning. You could focus on, say, making your lounge or bedroom tidy and clean so you have a haven for you in the evening.
Get as much help as you can. Someone offers, say yes.
Consider a nanny or childminder or home help instead of or in addition to nursery. Maybe at the pinch points of the day - getting kids up and getting them to bed. That extra pair of hands will make all the difference.
Talk to your employer about how you're feeling. There may be tweaks to your working day that will help.
If you feel like crying then cry. It's a good release. Pamper yourself whenever you can - a posh foot or hand cream, half an hour in the bath, a solitary walk.
Sending a virtual hug.

That's a good point. It sounds like he's your biggest problem. Becoming even more dependent on him seems unwise.

Wow some of the replies on here are bloody awful to someone who's already feeling shit and overwhelmed!

OP. I remember those days well. Traumatising!

Get your GP to sign you off for two weeks. This will give you chance to rest and recoup and re think your routines,

DH needs to step up, even if he's home late he can still do some household chores, he can help get the children up and ready in the morningsmaybe he needs to be speaking to his employer about being more flexible? Is that possible? As previous posters suggested. Maybe his WFH day could be a day you're at work. He really needs to step up a bit tbh

Also. Lower your standards. Olose the door on the big washing piles. Or other mess. It'll still be there tomorrow!

Mine are teenagers now and sometimes my house goes to shit, in fact today for the first time I've managed to DO some housework because I've been at work doing a ridiculous shift pattern. And if I'm honest I only did it because I have the builder coming this evening to fix a leak in the bathroom, else I would have sat on the sofa and watched crap tv today!

Be kind to yourself!

You might have delayed PPD, mine didn't kick in until DD was 10mo, and lasted until she was 3.

I was trying to juggle a twat husband who worked rotating 3 shift pattern(now exH) and two kids with autism/adhd plus my own job, and honestly, i ended up being signed off with stress/anxiety for about a month after i just couldn't cope.

What helped me was that time off, and taking time during it to try and re-arrange shit at home.

Your H is a problem, being a married single mom with a 3rd adult child is not fucking fun, and if you can't/won't tackle him and won't leave, you have to just cut him and his shit out of your equation and work around him like he doesn't exist.

I used to make the kids help me tidy up twice a day, once before lunch, and once before bed, otherwise i ignored the toys. Toys were all in once place, in my case the living room, they didn't have any upstairs.
I set up a housework schedule for myself so designated a job to a particular day. Some jobs do not need doing as often as people thing.
Vaccuuming, laundry and general tidying are the ones to do daily/every other day depending on demand, cleaning the bathroom weekly, and the rest either bi-weekly or monthly as you see fit.

You can't carry on like this, you have to find places to make your life easier, even if it means cutting corners or living in a slightly messier home than you'd like for a bit until your oldest goes to school!

OP, it sounds like you have depression, most likely caused by your current home situation and not work. You need to speak to your GP to let them know how you feel and you need to speak to your husband too and get him to step up.

@sometimesiwantto
he isn’t getting angry or anything, just a bit indignant and then the sniping and blame starts, it really is pointless. Talking to him massively exacerbates stress.

Deliberately or not, he’s being manipulative. It’s up to you to ‘force’ the convo or you’ll be stuck

Take unpaid parental leave....you are allowed up to 8 weeks a year.....and sort some stuff out.

I read it all now, OP.
Life is hard.
People who are perhaps a bit harsh about you wanting to go sick and finding time on MN are called dickheads. 😐
Very briefly - two solutions, and I'm definitely not revelling in it.
Toughen up or get divorced.
Otherwise, very little will change for you in the short run.

Ignore the people telling you that you aren't sick. Mental health is a valid reason for sick leave. Go see your GP and ask for a few weeks sick note to get better. Quitting your job won't improve your situation but taking the time off to avoid a breakdown certainly will. Once the stress fog lifts you'll be able to come up with reasonable, practical solutions that work for your family.

Oh and your husband can do the same

It's hard. I have one toddler child but no husband and also work three days a week
I felt bad that I couldn't get anything done and then my friend who is a sahm told me she is also putting her toddler into nursery (he rothers are at school) for three days just to get the home stuff done and that made me feel better - even mums without any job at all find it all hard to keep on top of!

Get a weekly cleaner to do the vacuum and bathrooms and kitchen and bed sheets it makes such a difference

Radical thought: why don’t you go full time. Tell your DH you are now equal stakeholders, he will need to rearrange his working week to accommodate his share of school runs and holidays. The extra money may buy you chance to pay people to clean and do DIY. Maybe the stress factor is extra time with your kids. If you’re in the office or travelling to work, you’ll have some peace and quiet a few days per week.

In that case I would make a doctors appointment and explain that you are highly stressed. You can self certify for a week but then will need a doctors note to be off work with stress. You could be off with stress until the end of April.

@sometimesiwantto

I know exactly how you feel and am thinking / planning to do the same.

You sound completely burnt out and stressed. That is how I am too. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and have been prescribed medication. It will take a few more weeks for them to take effect.

But as of right now if I am not feeling better in about 2 weeks time I plan to go back to the doctor to ask to be signed off until January.

I hope that a decent period of time away from work will give me the chance to get myself rested and straightened up.

Sending you sympathy and complete understanding.