To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

[sometimesiwantto]

I am having a hard time and feel like I’m being totally screwed over by everyone but the worst thing is I know it isn’t deliberate, it’s just sort of how things have worked out.

I have two children, one preschool and one toddler. They are lovely children but obviously since they are so young they are very demanding and I don’t get a break with them.

I work three days a week. On the three days I’m in work I take them to nursery and pick them up. I then have the evening ‘shift’ after nursery because DH just doesn’t get back until after 7, and they are usually in bed or close to it by that time. He also leaves in the morning before nursery opens so can’t take them. This is because of the distance. Our jobs are demanding and mine isn’t any less so because I’m part time. On Fridays DH works from home but there isn’t a dramatic difference in my stress levels to be honest.

We are arguing, stressed, think both thing the other has it worse. There are DIY things that need doing around the house DH complains he has no time to sort, likewise I complain I have no time to do any housework.

I keep feelings as if things have to change and I just don’t know what to do. Leaving work seems very short sighted but I don’t know how we’ll survive otherwise to be honest

If the OP was taking short term leave then its understandable but she's not, she's openly shafting the system.

The OP should resign now and walk away, not leave her HT thinking she's going to return...

I despair more as to why a person/people think it's fully acceptable to go off sick, misleading their colleagues to boot, until such times their resignation kicks in.

This is normal life when you have children so I would suggest working on coping skills rather than giving up a 3 day week.

Parenting is relentless at times.

@Trumptonagain I don’t think that’s what is happening here. OP is clearly at the end of her tether and desperate for a way out. She is considering her options and being signed off sick with stress is a valid one. How is she ‘openly shafting the system’?! Surely it’s better that she goes off sick rather than attempt to do her (difficult and responsible) job massively under performing due to stress and burnout. Even just to give herself some breathing space to figure out if she does actually need/want to resign or not.

Having a partner who does not pull his weight is a massive disadvantage, but I don't think it qualifies as an illness.

I meant to say I haven't said they don't. I agree that men who don't pull their weight damage women's work opportunities too.

I think you should get signed off your mental is more important

It sounds to me like you’re really struggling and you must be knackered! If I were you I’d take some time off for your mental health and use that time to figure out what the best course of action is.
It is ok to take sick leave when you’re not in a good place mentally. In fact it is a good idea to take that time sooner than later before it gets worse for you.

Nobody else is in your exact situation or is you. There’s nothing wrong with taking sick leave or choosing to leave your job if your family can afford/ are happy for you to do that and you’ve considered any implications of that on your future.

If it’s any consolation I left my job recently. I’m keen to get back to work once my kid starts school but it was still the best decision for us at the time.

Wishing you all the best!

Why doesn't your H do housework while you're doing the nursery run?

So, for example, if the nursery run would take an hour before his WFH day and he doesn't want to do that, why doesn't he do an hour of washing and ironing during that time instead, and the same at "pick up" time.

That's two hours of cleaning instead of a nursery run - if he could, if needed, do the nursery run but doesn't because logistics don't make sense, why isn't he using that time to do other family chores?

You would come home with the kids to a clean house, or dinner already prepped etc on the days he works from home.

That's completely doable for him, but he's choosing not to do it.

He can also do a load of laundry or two during the day, hang it out in his lunch hour, put the dry stuff away.

That would take a lot of pressure off you.

no it doesn't, but it also shouldn't be a race to see what happens first, the kids growing out of this stage, or your mental/physical health falling apart from stress.

To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

I read/answered this post as seen...

Why not just resign now and if OP feels up to it look for another job next April.
Or be honest and tell her HT what she's written as her head line title to her post is what her intentions will be.

Even though I was only part time (usually either three or four days) I absolutely specified to DH that we must share pick ups and drop offs when DDs were little. We tried to both be there as much as possible for bedtime, but it meant that one parent could go in early or stay late as we alternated.

I should say though it was very hard doing my job with two DDs when I came back from my second maternity leave. I stuck it for two years then had a career break though was running my own business to bring some money in. My job with young kids nearly gave me a complete mental breakdown. If I was doing it again now I'd do the same but aĺso get straight down the GP for anti-depressants.

Because if she resigns now that doesn’t change anything immediately as she still has to work until April. Hence the need for time off now, due to all the stress she’s under. It is wise that the OP doesn’t make a big decision e.g resigning when she is feeling so overwhelmed and anxious.

Absolutely this.

There's millions of people going through this on everyday basis.

Not all jobs are the same, and not everyone's mental health is the same. I've been so stressed and tired in some jobs that I considered harming or killing myself. I've also had absolutely crushing insomnia. At best I changed jobs frequently to finally find one that didn't make me feel anywhere near that. I should have also sought out medical attention at the time.

I wouldn’t as the feeling of being overwhelmed could be temporary and there’s ways around some of your stresses.

Take some holidays from work, send the kids to nursery and blitz the house and then book a cleaner to do the weekly clean.
Hire tradesman for the DIY.

I find the 'it's normal' posts to be a bit concerning.

It's apparently normal for a mum to be breaking herself while the dad's life has barely changed. The mum goes part time but dad can't adjust his working day to contribute because of his big important job.

Obviously some jobs are less flexible- I'm a nurse so definitely know this but it's amazing how the division is almost always mum has to go part time, put flexible work requests in etc and dad doesn't adjust his working pattern at all.

It can also be at the discretion of her employer...OP obviously doesn't want to work until April and by her post it's doubtful she'll return to that particular job.

Surely she's better to have a discussion with the HT and tell the truth and leave now rather than go off sick/give the impression she'll return and then have to spend time adding to her worries as the time draws nearer of having the same anxiety hanging over her of being back where she is now.

I think it can be both normal and hard. My life was similar to yours when my 2DC were small (they are 10 and 12 now). 2y age gap so when they were 0 and 2, 1 and 3, and 2 and 4, until the oldest was in school, these were tough years. I worked 3 days and DH worked long hours. He had some health and mental health issues and didn't / couldn't pull his weight. We were skint from childcare costs, no family help so rarely got a break. As with you, struggled to keep on top of housework and DIY. DD1 particularly was a liability and had to be watched every minute, never settled to anything due to short attention span - she frequently had me in tears - we found out later she has ASD.

In contrast to you, though, my job wasn't that stressful and I had been in it for years.

Some things that helped:

Doing fun things on my days off with the kids, usually meeting up with a friend with similar aged kids at least one day. So I did get some socialising even though it was chaotic with the kids. I also did some groups with the kids (eg drama, playgroup) which were again chaotic but gave the day structure.

When I was on annual leave, I'd sometimes keep the kids in childcare and have a lovely day to myself or blitz the house. It was only a few times a year but it did make a difference. Sometimes DH and I both had a day off together and went out for lunch etc.

If I was ill, I wasn't a martyr - I called in sick, stayed home alone and rested. This made a massive difference to how quickly I recovered - I found i couldn't power through like I would have done pre kids. I did get more ill than usual - maybe 5-10 days a year? - I guess because I was tired and run down.

Dh and I gave each other a break by taking the kids out / away at the weekend to allow the other one to catch up on house jobs / rest / whatever. There was a period when he didn't take both kids at once and I wish I'd pushed harder with that, but as I say, he was depressed and I worried about pushing too far.

I still did find that period very hard and tiring but I did appreciate my job (wouldn't have wanted to be ft with the kids) and also looked forward to my days off with the kids (again, v grateful I could be pt).

As pp say, you can't really go off sick long term, but if you think a couple of days off to sleep and rest will help you regain your energy, do that.

You should buy those Trofast things from ikea to help you keep your toys tidy

you can have them upstairs and down and they don’t look out of place and are brilliant for toys!

You’ve not said if your husband does anything?

bathtime, bedtime? What about weekends? Do you get a lie in each?

I’ve answered upthread and I’ve got huge sympathy for the OP and think she needs to see her GP who might well sign her off. I do have an issue with the attitude of I’ll just get signed off until Christmas. Last time I checked you don’t just tell a doctor how long to sign you off for/how long you will be ill for?

I’m not having a go at the OP who I think is just at the end of her tether and isn’t going to do this but it’s worrying to see this advice being given. I’ve dealt with employees who have been signed off with stress. You will have occupational health involved, often a GP will only sign off for 2 weeks at a time so they keep having to go back and send in more notes, people worry about being seen out and about and on social media and being judged, and it can be really hard to go back, especially if the underlying problems remain. I’m not saying it’s not the right thing to do in lots of cases but it’s not a magic bullet and it comes with its own set of issues.

The OP has said several times that she will not be able to leave before April.

This is digressing from the thread - my point is that it’s totally valid to take time off for stress/ mental health /burn out. Plenty of people go off sick instead of working their notice periods, especially in toxic workplaces.

Hopefully OP can take some time to recoup before deciding what to do long term.

The OP has said even if she resigns now she can't leave until April.

She can't just schedule her burnout for a more convenient time for everybody else. This is very real and it's happening right now.

The OP feels like she's got no options because she doesn't have the mental bandwidth to explore options which is why she wants time iff, and the reality is some of those options cause more stress before things get better, things like cutting people out of your life, especially if they're a relative or a partner who has not only not improved life, but actively made it harder. Knowing this is a possibility from the steps it takes to address the issues she currently has is very overwhelming. It would be for anyone. This stuff can't wait. She's pouring from an empty cup. Burning the candle at both ends.

If this were a physical illness everyone would be saying yes of course take time off but this is mental health related so obviously the consensus is she's got to be taking the piss.

When I was signed off for stress and burnout my doctor asked me how long I think I needed, and I was honest and said a couple of months at least.

The doctor said wonderful and explained the stages of burnout and how it can take people months if not years to recover, and gave me 2 weeks, but had no issue automatically approving extensions for me.

I dont think the OP has an attitude about just getting signed off I think the OP is being realistic about her situation.

Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year in many industries. If you're trying to avoid stress, then reviewing your circumstances after Christmas wouldn't be a bad idea.

I agree @Jimmyneutronsforehead sadly I think this thread has shown a marked lack of understanding of stress / burn out / mental health difficulties which are just as valid as physical illness. I only hope that the OP and others reading who may be in a similar position take such ignorant comments with a hefty pinch of salt.

Well yes but obviously in that case the Doctor agreed you needed the time. No issue with that at all. The OPs issue seems mainly to be a lack of support at home and those issues are still going to be there in January (not renowned for being the most joy filled month)

OP if you are a teacher I can see it adds a layer of difficulty because you can’t just decide to take annual leave and have a break and your notice period is now April. Could you speak to your Head/line manager about temporary reduction to 2 days? I understand that would be a massive pain for them and they’d have to get cover but if the reality is it’s that or you are signed off sick and they risk losing you completely then it would be sensible for them to agree. You’d then get a day without the DC for a few weeks to have headspace, get some stuff sorted and think about the future. I’d make it clear to your DH that this is a temporary measure to stop you becoming really ill and you need to properly discuss him pulling his weight.