Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

I never said it was... What's your point?

Agreed. This is not ok.

Only saying that it's perfectly possible to accommodate the co-sleeping and the sex!

I don't get why the OP's DH has an issue with it?? His DC is content, his DW gets to sleep and he still gets sex - where's the problem?

He may just want to sleep next to his wife, by himself, that could be “all” it is.

Yes that’s exactly what I mean. Going the bed, chatting, laughing, cuddling and kissing, the build up. Not “would you like to have sex tonight?” “Yes, you get the kid settled, meet you on the couch at 9pm”. Seems really transactional.
the build up and the cuddling afterwards are all part of the fun.

He wants to sleep in his own bed.
He wants to be intimate with his wife in his own bed.
He wants to be able to sleep and not be disturbed by a wriggling child.
He doesn't want to have sex on the sofa or in the cluttered spare room, he wants to have sex in his own, comfortable bed.

All valid reasons. Reasons why plenty of people don't and wouldn't co-sleep.

he still gets sex - where's the problem?

She said they don’t have sex.

You say in your first post that you have only been co-sleeping for the past six months @dhnosex - what was happening before that? Was your DS in his own room, and why did things change? Was it something temporary that DH expected to stop soon and now feels you’ve changed the goalposts?

DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.

Sounds like you suggested it.

YABU and being selfish to the detriment of your child and your husband.

It sounds like the wanting to have sex in his own bed, is really just him saying that he wants to stop co-sleeping, because otherwise he'd probably do it other places as you suggested. The withholding of sex sounds a bit sulky imo.

I don't think there's anything wrong per se with co-sleeping with a 3yo at all, but I can see why your husband wants him out, as most children are in their own beds by 3, so it's the cultural norm (in the UK at least).

My partner has slept in the other room for years, as two small children close in age, so uncomfortable pregnancy turned into co-sleeping, followed by another pregnancy where I was ENORMOUS and wanted to be left alone, then a 2nd batch of co-sleeping with the youngest. We also never, ever have sex, and also get on less and less and are more and more irritable with each other! There's may well be a correlation, just something to consider 😕

YABU to still co sleep at 3.
YABU not to consider your husband's feelings and prioritise sleep training.

PP's are BU for not reading the bloody OP. It clearly says OP suggests OTHER locations for sex, not in the bed.

Why hasn't the 'spare' room been turned into the child's room?

Then they may want to sleep in it

Probably! I also breastfed my elder two until they were each a year old and I regret not doing it longer because both of them would have! I stopped breastfeeding DD1 at a year because I hoped to get pregnant again - I'd never heard of tandem feeding! (DD is 27!) and I thought I'd be less likely to conceive if I continued. I stopped breastfeeding DD2 at a year because I had an asthma flare-up and my GP prescribed steroids and said, "don't you think you've breastfed long enough?"!!! Well my asthma flared again when DS was a similar age, and by then I knew more, and I said, "no!" so we kept on going until he wanted to stop at 22 months.

Snuggling up all night with my babies is one of the best memories I have.

The responses to this are meaningless as so many people mistakenly think you are having sex in the bed with the child. So when they say YABU a lot of them could be talking about that.

She wants to sleep with her toddler.
She wants to be able to get rest at night and not have to be woken from a toddler.
She wants to have sex in the spare room or on the sofa instead of in the bedroom.

All valid reasons. Reasons why plenty of people co-sleep.

Maybe we should get the toddlers opinions added too.

I made my point then you advised oh they do it in xyz when we are not in xyz.

What about other people's wants? Why is this particular issue one where his wants trump everyone else's?

For ops dh there's no solution where he has to do anything, which is convenient. She has to meet the child's needs differently and deal with the fallout on her own, so that she can then meet his needs. That's not intimacy, or closeness, or teamwork.

So should he be evicted from the bedroom so it can continue?

That’s a super quick way to disregard someone, and could lead to some real relationship problems.

Why is this particular issue one where his wants trump everyone else's?

Because he’s the other half of the marriage and he gets an equal say. The toddler doesn’t get a say.

Probably terrified he'll end up with more kids in his bed.

You can literally just keep flipping your argument to support OP.

It's about teamwork. If DH suggests that OP can have a lie in, nap or early night because of the night waking then that's team work. If he purely just wants the bed and doesn't want to help with night waking then it isn't.

Equality doesn't mean one person is more important than the other.

You need the Ferber sleep training book, and you need to respect your husband's wish to reclaim his bed for adults only.

I think the only solution is to have seperate beds. Your DH doesn't want to co-sleep. So put a double bed/mattress in the child's room and sleep in there with him/her. It will also be easier to transition DC into sleeping on their own when the time comes.

Your DH is being unreasonable. When you cosleep with a child you have sex somewhere else, as you suggested. He can’t insist on it just being on the bed or nothing.