Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

Ffs, the OP is not suggesting having sex in the bed next to her child…she’s happy to do it on the sofa or spare room but her DH is not. Can none of you read?!

OP, I would suggest putting your child to bed initially in their own bed. If they wake up in the night they can come to your room (if you really want to continue cosleeping) but at least then you get the start of the night alone with your husband to have sex in your bed!

Could you co-sleep in the spare bedroom or child's bedroom, DH sleeps alone in your bedroom and you join him there for sex?

I would settle DC in their own bed and just bring through to yours after the first wake up.

Or

Clear the bed in the spare room, settle DC there, after sex with DH in the marital bed you go and sleep in the spare room with DC for the rest of the night.

Co-sleeping is fine. DH's points are reasonable. There are other solutions.

I'm a bit surprised at the co-sleeping hate.

Doesn't he have just as much right as anyone else to not have to have sex in places where he doesn't want to have sex?

If someone doesn't want to have sex on a sofa or in a spare room, or next to a sleeping toddler, surely that's their right?

Co sleeping is so precious, make the most of it and tell DH he's going to have to make do with sex in a different room.

It won't last forever.

I stressed so much about co sleeping and disapproval from other mums and I wish I hadn't given any of that a second thought. It's normal and natural for babies and children to sleep with their caregivers. Western parenting culture (let's put this small vulnerable creature alone to sleep) is unnatural and weird.

Mine are adults now and those snuggles with them when they were small are wonderful memories. All I'd change is I'd have done it for longer!

What makes you think it is due to circumstances? East Asian and Arab nations are some of the richest nations in the world that co-sleep. Parents in Sweden also co-sleep til their children are 4-5.

The western world is not the majority of the world and even some western nations have high cosleeping rates.

Definitely. There is a reason why it is now being re-introduced by attachment experts. I wonder which man first decided that baby sleeping away from the mother was a good thing.

Co sleeping isn’t a problem if you’re both happy with it. He is not. I’m with him-sex should be spontaneous, planning and sneaking around the house take the fun and intimacy out of it.

Nowhere has OP said it’s ok to have sex with the child in the room. Do people not read a full opening post as they are in such a hurry to initiate a pile on?!

Tbf planning and sneaking can be fun too. That's why so many people have affairs.

A 3 year old isn't a baby though.

Lots of people still cosleep at that age, we did, and many of our friends did. We've only just stopped cosleeping with eldest and she's gone 5. I suspect she'll bounce back to our bed at some stage though, and that's fine with us.

I've never really understood the idea that sex is a bed thing anyway. Hurrah for sofas etc.

Op has nowhere said she wants to or has had sex with dc in the bed, strange that that's what a lot of posters have jumped to. Op, I really think you need to consider getting dc into their own bed. I know you think you'll be back and forth between bedrooms to settle them, but that's always short lived whilst dc adjusts. You just need to bite the bullet, dc can always come in for cuddle when they wake up in the morning. Your relationship is important too x

It won't last forever? Might last longer than the marriage if DH's wishes are disregarded

We did loads of co-sleeping which I absolutely loved. DH was more than happy to hop off to another room in the evening or have sex during the day instead. It’s 2024, husband’s aren’t allowed to demand sex from their wives when and where they want it!

YABVU. It's your husbands bed too, co sleeping with a 3yo is bound to kill intimacy

Your dc doesn't just need cuddles all night. He would also benefit from having 2 dps in a happy marriage....

DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable.

I think it's this bit.

It reads like she suggested sex and he said "no, not with the child in the bed".

Understandable suggests an understanding of where someone is coming from rather than absolute agreement with their point.

YABU

By “spontaneous” sex do you mean in bed in the evening? I couldn’t think of anything less spontaneous!

I think you’re potentially risking your relationship for this OP, 3 is old enough to be sleeping in their own bed.

A lot of people not reading the OP here - she's not having sex next to her child.

Also a lot of people objecting to "scheduled sex" - surely with young children there's always an element of having to make time for sex, rather than just always being spur of the moment passion. Sex on a sofa is great, you can get comfy in different positions.

Also so much predictable hand-wringing about rods for backs and scare-mongering about kids never growing out of things.

YANBU OP, he's refusing to consider your perspective cos he's too lazy to have sex in a different way.

I would however say that we do similar to a PP where our youngest settles in his own bed but comes to ours when he wakes up middle of the night. Elder siblings did the same until they grew out of it. Leaves time for sex in the bed if we wanted it, but also means more sleep for all of us. Maybe think about how you could transition to that schedule?

If that's how a marriage works then what on Earth... They are still having time together as a couple, just in another room/space.

Your 'D'H is very very unreasonable.

He would rather a child, dependent on their mum for regulation and wake cycles be all alone in a cold bed/bedroom.
So that he, an adult can co-sleep with you?

If he is willing to blackmail you into removing your child from their safe, warm family bed (it's theirs too!! It's all they've known) which will cause emotional distress, for something that you both should want equally... it's just not likely to finish there.
What else can he coerce you into taking away from a child? His child?
No one sleeps through the night. Most adults need a wee or a drink every 6 hours.

The only one benefiting from your DH suggestion is him.
Your child will keep returning to the family bed throughout the night until they're at least 8 years old!

"No, you're an adult. You can sleep on your own and independently. Why don't you show our child how easy it is... for the next few years" .

Why is everyone so focused on what the child needs? The OP has said SHE wants to co-sleep with her child which is absolutely her choice and a completely normal and lovely thing for a mother to want to do. Her DH is prioritising himself over the wishes of his wife and child.