Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

Is there a way to communicate to OPs DH to LTB?

Don't dare tell me you have sex with a child in the room?

I certainly wouldn't want to be hoping up from other beds or sofas after sex.

And no I wouldn't be sleeping with my three year old. They are like seventy thousand limbed creatures that really lead to horrific sleep. Fine if they are sick but not on your nelly otherwise.

I think it's fairly obvious OP is talking about them having sex in the second bedroom (hence the scheduled walk) or the sofa (large and comfortable). The problem is that the husband is insisting on having sex only in their own bed so he can roll over and go to sleep after, and therefore they can't have sex because the child is in the bed. Thus sex is off the menu
OP I think you are in the right but the trouble is he doesn't want to understand how exhausting it is getting to resettle DC all the time. Actually this is pretty unkind behaviour of him - he's quite happy for you to be tired day after day.. are you sure you want to have sex with him?! Presuming you do want to change things-
My DS is 2.5 and the exit route from cosleeping for us very recently was to redecorate his bedroom and move the furniture around so it felt all different. When he came home from his sleepover at grandparents, we told him this was his big boy room and really upsold the idea. It worked and he mostly sleeps through now.

Your dc will be starting school in a year or so.. you need to get them sleeping in their own bed.

Sex aside...your bed is yours and your DHs. It's really not fair if one of you isn't happy to share it that the other insists they put up with it.

Ignore people on mumsnet. You can look at the majority of the world and they sleep with their children. It is completely normal and if it works for you then it is fine.

You could get a cosleeper or a bedside toddler bed perhaps?

You are unreasonable. It doesn't sound like your husband is 'threatening ' you with no sex, he just doesn't want a clinically planned session on the spare bed, he wants intimacy and closeness first. Given some of the complaints on here it is a little ironic that you are the one wanting to just nip to the other room to scratch the itch, like you are ticking it off a to do list.
And you wouldn't seriously consider having sex IN the bed with a 3yo??????

Think this through, your ds is not a tiny baby, and at this point isn't really a toddler anymore either surely? What is your plan for getting him back in his own bed? How long are you happy to co sleep? It feels like the longer you co sleep the harder it will be to break the habit.

And no matter how happy you are to co sleep- your dh has said he isn't. Is co sleeping more important to you than your marriage ?

I coslept with kids. We had two in the bed for a while to get our second to adjust to the new baby. When our youngest was 1.5 and still breast fed I sent himself and his Dad off to his bedroom to duke it out so I could night wean.

DS still rocked into me for a feed at about 6 and had a feed to go to sleep originally until he was 2.5. It was a hellish few nights for DH and DS but they bonded killed each other and I slept peacefully. Could your DH do something like that? As you can imagine going from the boob to hugs from Daddy and crappy cups of milk instead wasn’t too pleasing for DS for the couple of nights but it broke the bad habits.

YANBU. If you want to co sleep, I don't think that's wrong. Children are only little for a while, and I loved co sleeping when ours were younger (and never had a problem getting them into their own beds when older).

However, I can understand your dh wanting the bed back. It's a hard one to disagree on. Could you make the spare room a nice space, dh sleep in there and you visit?

I know plenty of people in real life are absolutely batshit and so some of these threads must be real, but I can’t be the only one noticing just how many threads there are in recent months that are clearly, specifically designed to provoke reactions from the women on mumsnet?

At 3 can your dc start off sleeping in his own bed with your company if necessary. Then you retreat to your bed with your dh, with time to be intimate..

If your dc comes in a couple of hours later, surely that allows everyone to be happy.

There is room for compromise here.

Attitudes in this country about cosleeping are so backwards. It’s wonderful to cosleep, and I agree with you that sex needs to just be planned differently. Clear the spare room.

i will add that my nearly 3 year old has slept in his own bed from 6 months in his own room- he’s ended up in our bed maybe 10 times - ever. During illness for example or after days of crappy sleep for whatever reason. But it’s an exception. He comes in in the morning and has story in our bed each night before teeth. I really think you need to bite the bullet and teach your child to sleep in their own bed/room - get a lovely projector, some audiobooks and some lovely bedding. Make it as appealing as your bed. Just keep taking them back in each time they come in; I expect after a few days you’ll have cracked it.
You must all be absolutely knackered!

I read it as op thinks they can have sex on the sofa or the spare room bed not that she wants to have sex next to the sleeping child?!

YABU - except that your DH ought to help at least equally with the resettling process if he wants DC to sleep in a different room now. He can’t expect co sleeping to stop but not help with the inevitable wake ups (hopefully these would gradually reduce but they are inevitable to start with).

I read it that she wouldn't mind but he's rejected the idea of having sex next to the child so she's suggested alternatives

Good grief, YABU.

YABU
Sex next to your sleeping child is grim.

The husband needs to be the one to settle the child but I bet he won’t.

Generally due to circumstances not choice.

It is not cultural norm in the the western world. It is the norm to have the marital bed for the parents so they have privacy and protect the child.

Are you honestly saying you've been having sex in the same bed as a 3 year old???

That's... well beyond yabu and into child protection safeguarding concerns.

What does starting school have to do with it? And in 10 months, that's a world away anyway.

@dhnosex there's nothing wrong with co sleeping. Nothing at all.

lots of countries around the word bed share and they don't only have one child

Your DH isn't trying to find solutions that work for all of you, only him. I'd just say 'that's fine, let's spend the weekend cleaning out the spare room & making it nice for you'.

Him withholding sex until you do as he says... he can fuck right off.

No, we just don't have sex

You are being unreasonable. 3 is a perfectly fine age to learn to sleep alone , I'm mean how long were you planning to sleep with your child . I think it's perfectly reasonable of your husband to expect only the two of you share the marital bed

You lot would hate me, I had dd afraid of sleeping and a dp who couldn't sleep with the child. So I slept in with dd and it went on until she was 8.

We had sex on the sofa.

DP used to get really stroppy with me but now it's done with and I'm back in our bed he's trying to pretend that he's happy when I suspect he loved having the huge bed to himself.

We still have sex on the sofa, our bed is really creaky and we prefer not having to worry about the thin walls.