Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

I think co-sleeping is/has been normal -through almost all of human history and still in most countries, so I dont think you are at all unreasonable. I am in Australia and know lots of co-sleepers, (and happily was when mine were smaller) but lots of parents here don't also and this conflict certainly occurs, maybe even less common in UK where most answers seem to be from? For a personal solution where there is disagreement I suggest maybe you set up two perfectly comfortable big beds, One for you and your son and one for you and your husband and you choose where to go at any given time? You can shag your husband in the 'marital bed' and snuggle your child in the 'family bed'. You will probably spend most of the night with your child but that it is usually the best compromise I think in this very common scenario.

The real problem is you need to get your child sleeping in their own bed ,
I started my child off with own cot bed at the end of mine , then made their room special with a cozy bed and favourite things etc
we read together in child’s room in bed etc
made it their special place , eventually my son declared he wanted to sleep in there on his own it was a right of passage not forced just gentler advance to more independence.
whilst co sleeping is lovely, there’s a point where you have to put your own relationship first, it’s better for the child
you show them they are trusted to have their own space etc.
i can’t help but feel your husband and yourself have to do some work together on your relationship going forward.
dont make this a battle ground going forward.

Yes, I agree that he needs to start sharing the parenting load, day and night, but that's a separate issue to the question being asked.

I don't think the OP's DH is blackmailing her. He is saying what he prefers as to sex. You do have to adjust when you have children - no more swinging from the chandelier in close embrace whilst swigging champagne etc, sadly - but children have always fitted into the family. Many have said co-sleeping has been normal throughout history (and still happens in many countries) and this is so (I said it further up thread) but oddly, those societies where co-sleeping is still done are also frequently societies where women have few rights or opportunities and marriages are not companionate in the way that is found in e.g. the UK. We marry to be with someone we love, in this period of history (though I still think it is about joining families as it ever was) and the couple in a companionate relationship is the norm where everything is shared - howls all over MN when this is not the case btw. OP's DH does not like his toddler sleeping in his bed and interfering with the couple relationship. Where this society is, the OP is being unreasonable. Persuading her toddler to sleep mostly in their own bed will support her marriage. If she persists, as some have suggested, DH could always go and sleep elsewhere, but don't be surprised if he starts sharing a bed with someone else on occasion, rather than DW snuggled up with toddler all night.

Yes very much a separate issue but absolutely essential to work through to solve the problem. He can’t demand she is sleep deprived by getting up and down all night so they can have sex in his chosen location.

I co slept with both my kids (they're 18 & 13 now) and I don't think you're being unreasonable because kids grow so fast & it's lovely to cherish their little snuggles! It does mean you can't just get it on before you fall asleep but it's not difficult to sneak off somewhere else when dc is asleep or have a lunch time rendezvous!

Of course he's blackmailing. He's withholding sex because she won't do as she's told.

I don't think that's very healthy in a marriage, do you?

So if the wife said no condom no sex is she also blackmailing him…

or is she just saying she only wants sex with a condom.

Much like this husband only wants sex in his bed…

or are we making up sexist double standards again…

You think he owes his wife having sex with their toddler also in the bed? I couldnt.

Dress it up how you like. Still amounts to the same thing.

No need to make anything up. It is what it is.

Nobody has ever suggested that.

it is better for everyone to get a decent sleep, but they are doing that by cosleeping because they were NOT getting a decent sleep with separate beds.
i think they’ve both got good points. Our 2yo is in our bed, but dh moves her to her brothers bed when we want to have sex there. If I were the op however I’d just make my husband do several nights in a row of settling dc back in their bed until he had second thoughts or it worked, dads aren’t parenting dictators from high and if they want to make parenting decisions they need to bear responsibility. If he says it’s your turn you point out you’ve done just about every night wake since the child was born and it is next your turn after they have turned 4.

To be fair she didn't say anything about wanting to have sex while her child was on the room, I feel frustrated for her that so many people have assumed this!

He's saying he doesn't want to be dictated to as where and when he and OP have sex. He'd like it to be spontaneous sometimes and that doesn't happen when sharing a bed with a toddler. Why does OP want to cuddle up with her toddler rather than her DH, anyway? And you have missed the point about co-sleeping, companionate marriages and the connection to women's rights - surprisingly there is a link between them.

YABU. Poor DH.

@adriftinadenofvipers and @Yeahyeahyes

From the OP: DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable.

Which indicates that it was only down to him that they’re not having sex with the child in bed with them

He's not being "dictated to". He can choose anywhere else in the house. So you think his requirement to have sex in their bed trumps her need for a night's sleep? And you're fine with him using sex as a weapon until he gets his own way? Lovely.

I don't know why you are so fixated on that when the OP has repeatedly stated that this never happened. Maybe he meant that he's uncomfortable having sex anywhere seeing as there's a toddler in their bed? That would make more sense in the context of his ultimatum?

He can choose, and he chooses not to. His body, his choice. Surely that’s the end of it?

Just like OP can decide on her own boundaries.

Not wanting to have sex on someone else’s terms is not using sex as a weapon, it’s having personal boundaries in a consenting relationship.

I’m really struggling to see why you’re struggling with this, other than your strong belief in co sleeping, which is of course totally up to you, but that doesn’t trump someone else’s bodily autonomy.

It never happened because he didn’t want it to. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Or that’s what she implies with this statement. So when people repeatedly say she didn’t want to, this very powerful sentence directly contradicts that.

You have every right to withhold sex from another person if it isn't sex you want. That isn't blackmail, please don't let anyone make you think you owe them sex by their rules. If the sex isn't what you want then or it isn't how you want it or where you want it, you shouldn't be having it.

If you're cos keeping are you also keeping the same sleep schedule as her? So there's no time you're able to have sex than when she's asleep? So you go to bed, settle her and he stays awake to decide if you're both going to go back down for a quickie in case the child wakes and realises you're gone?

I'm not "struggling" at all. The DH isn't withholding sex because he doesn't want sex - he's using it as a tool to make his wife do what he wants. If anyone's "struggling" it's certainly not me. It's as plain as the nose on your face!

If my husband was weaponising sex in this manner, it would put me right off.

Exactly. People aren’t focussing on what OP is saying.

No, I don't think his desire for sex in the marriage bed trumps OP's need for a good night's sleep. I think she is storing up trouble by co-sleeping with her DC, who needs to learn to sleep in their own bed all night, which will take effort, of course, and a week or so (or more) of putting DC back to bed with no stimulation i.e. no cuddles, drinks, stories etc, until DC understands that night-time is for sleeping and that sleeping in own bed is what is going to happen. Not doing this means years of interrupted nights.
The other trouble is going to be with her marriage. I explained about companionate marriages up thread - in a companionate marriage the couple bond is more important than the mother/child, father/child bond (it does not mean there should not be the mother/child dyad, but that the child adapts to the family not the other way round) because the parents have chosen each other as companions, rather than have had their marriage arranged to suit other people. The companionate marriage that exists in Western society (and is being adopted elsewhere) is one of the steps that lead to women's emancipation and greater ability to take part in society (the other important factor is clean, single-sex toilets, but that's by the way). So the OP is risking her marriage by insisting that cuddling her DC all night is more important than cuddling her DH.