Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

Your DC needs to be out of your bed and getting settled in their own room. Its not healthy for them to still be co-sleeping at this age!
And please tell me that you wouldnt actually have sex next to your sleeping toddler? YABVU.

I think that's a load of nonsense and by withdrawing sex as a 'punishment', the DH is also putting the marriage at risk. Threats are deeply unattractive.

My husband and I chose many years ago to have separate rooms - we were cranky and cross with each other due to sleep deprivation! - we are still married after 30 odd years. I never had any trouble moving my children to their own rooms; it was all very straightforward, and two of them were older than the OP's DS.

I guess something is going to have to give here, and I don't think the OP is coming back, but there is going to have to be a compromise of some sort. I'd feel resentment towards H for coercing me.

Pray tell, what's "not healthy" about it?!

While I think we'd all agree with the second part of your post (including the OP), the first part is frankly nonsense.

We’re never going to agree on this.

FWIW I have no strong feelings either way about cosleeping.

I do have strong feelings about someone who doesn’t want to have sex for whatever reason being accused of manipulation. People are allowed to say no to sex, just like the OP is allowed to say no.

I genuinely can’t understand why you are so fixed on believing that the husband is withholding sex as a manipulation tool other than the fact that you believe passionately in co-sleeping and don’t want to acknowledge any potential drawbacks.

And I don't understand why you can't see how manipulative and cynical this man's actions are! He doesn't not want to have sex. He wants to force his wife to do something she doesn't want to do, in order to have sex on his terms.

If you can't see what's wrong with that, it's on you.

If he’s withholding sex - he’s also withholding it from himself, by not agreeing to do it elsewhere in the house. Depriving himself of it too, just to make a point? Seems an odd hill to die on, if you don’t have a genuine preferred location.

I genuinely believe he has a preference to having sex in his bed, at night, with his wife - he’s allowed to have that preference. Surely we’re all allowed preferences, without being manipulative?

He is essentially weaponising it towards his wife.

He is entitled to decide not to have sex.
She is entitled to decide to change things or leave her marriage.

It's that simple.

But then isn't the wife " forcing," him to have a child sleeping in the martial bed? When it's not his wishes

I'm just thankful that my DH wasn't so intransigent when I was co-sleeping with our young children. We had lots of sex in the spare bedroom where he had decamped, and we managed to conceive three more times, sadly two babies we lost to miscarriage, and finally our youngest. He's a PITA sometimes but he's not all bad!

I would absolutely not be having sex if my DC was in bed with us. Call me a prude, but I think it’s inappropriate and so for the sake of your relationship I think you need to start weaning your DC off this situation and getting him/her back into their own bed.

YANBU. Mumsnetters always get semi hysterical about co-sleeping, save for those of us who have children who can’t or won’t sleep in their own bed. I’ve read hundreds of bright, brittle comments along the lines of ‘just get your child to sleep in their own bed, it’s only hard for a couple of days!’, and I just think ‘who made you the expert in every child in the world?’

My 3yo son will go to sleep happily in his own bed and then he will wake every couple of hours and call for me until morning. I have tried everything, including an expensive sleep consultant, to try and get him sleeping through in his own bed and nothing has worked. He’s simply too little to tolerate it yet. When he sleeps in our bed he sleeps through. Accepting this has taken my husband and I from two people who were so sleep deprived we were suicidal to two healthy, happy, functioning adults.

Your husband is being ridiculous. There are plenty of places you can have sex. Is he really so rigid that he can only consider it in one location under one set of circumstances? I’m in the same situation as you in that there is a spare room bed and a sofa and we have sex 3-4 times a week without it ever needing to be in our bed. Let me tell you, that’s a hell of a lot more than we were having when we were dying from sleep deprivation.

Your husband is particularly unreasonable because he’s expecting you to bear the burden of dealing with all night wakings (convenient for him that it’s only you who can do them, and shows he hasn’t put in the work to be equal in this area). In other words, he’s happy to accept you being exhausted and run down in order to facilitate him getting to have sex in the specific location of his preference. That’s deeply selfish behaviour, and I don’t know why so many posters think his minute sexual preferences should be prioritised over your health and well-being.

Oh FFS. At least read the OP’s posts.

Thank god to read some commonsense!

Trust me, this too shall pass, and fair play to you for accepting the situation for what it is and dealing with it like two actual adults! I don't understand some posters either. The husband's selfishness is deeply unattractive. I personally wouldn't be rushing to have sex with him again - his behaviour is a total passion killer!

If it was a woman saying no I want sex in our marital bed, it would be female choice. Because it's a man he's the devil incarnate. He isn't getting what he wants in any direction, he's not getting sex and he's unhappy with the bed situation. Op has all the power.

Love this. As @adriftinadenofvipers said, it's good to read some common sense on this thread! As parents, we have to do what works for us, and our individual children, not what the rest of the world thinks is right.