AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

I would be pretty annoyed, but his attitude towards you is fairly concerning all round isn’t it?

I would throw this one back.

Are you sure he really was in the forces?

Sounds like he has shitty self-esteem and a bit of a complex to me. He is putting you down a lot. A partner should lift you up.

Even without this latest incident he sounds like a dick. People who are generally good at being adults don’t need to put others down to make themselves feel better, but that’s what he does to you. Pathetic and unattractive.

He doth protest too much.
I actually think he has very low self esteem and is scared of being harmed

He doesn't respect you and he's a coward, ltb

Yeah, he definitely was. We were doing these jobs at the same time, although he was with someone else then. Saying that, an inferiority complex might explain his attitude a little as his partner then was also posted in ME (not the same one) while he was at this base, and he seemed a little hurt by that then.

A life threatening situation where he ran away and protected himself without a thought for his partner or anyone else?!?!

That would be a HUGE turn off and I'd struggle to think of him in a positive light any more. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.

I'd definitely address it with him. Tell him exactly what you posted here about being fed up of his bravery comments when he's never even been in a war torn country.

It really doesn't sound like this guy has much respect for you.

Could it have been an instinctive response on his part?

But otherwise, nah, being so big-headed in the talk and not being able to live up to your boasting, whilst running down other people, is pretty grim.

People who are really brave don’t need to bang on about it all the time. They let their actions do the talking.

Leaving the recent incident aside, he doesn’t sound like a very authentic person op!

That’s very unattractive, not just the running away but the way he puts you down. I would expect my partner to be by my side no matter what.

Ex forces people (or currently serving ones for that matter) who wear military paraphernalia out of work come across as slightly dickish imo. Not so much a badge of honour as a “look at me” symbol. (Edited to say - except in proper circs such as Remembrance etc.)

And no self respecting serving person would claim they are stronger and more courageous than others / civilians / their family just to score pathetic points - regardless of whatever happened yesterday he sounds like a bit of a prick, sorry.

My exh told me of an incident where he had walked on by. Wish I had known about it much earlier. Prob wouldn't have married him.
Can't stand a coward...

This is how I feel. I thought maybe morphine was affecting my thought process. I dont feel I can discuss it irl yet, just play it over in my mind. He's given me shit for years for taking a xanex, and being paranoid about safety here in the UK, but he was absolutely terrified. It might have been instinct, and I respect that - people do strange things in the moment. He shouldn't have presented himself as some sort of hero for years. I've come to believe that maybe he would have done a better job overseas than me, but I didn't even do a bad job!

I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest he has undiagnosed PTSD or something, but overall he sounds like a prick.

Unless he has PTSD, this is very odd behaviour. Has he acknowledged or explained why he acted like this?

I dated a man in the forces - God complex because he "served his country" (went camping every few weekends with a ration pack).

Do you actually like him? He doesn't sound nice.

The running away would be a turn off for me but depending on circumstances may be liveable with - but all the putting you down beforehand would be a much bigger turn off for me and I wouldn't choose to live with it personally.

Do you know what he actually did whilst serving in the ME? Front line operational role or catering corps? ;-) (catering are very valuable of course but did this guy actually see action at all?! - if so then maybe PTSD but he’s still a bellend for “bantering” you about taking a Xanax)

I think you have to think of the bigger picture, your boyfriend will not have your back in any situation that requires any effort. I would rethink this whole relationship.

Are you positive your boyfriend was in the forces?

I'm with @Lampzade on this one. Deep down he knows he's a coward and is putting you down in an attempt to big himself up. To me this awful behaviour is worse than the cowardice. He should have your back. LTB

Posted and my post was instantly hidden, not sure why. Just wondered what role he had actually done in the ME? if active operations then perhaps PTSD might be a reason for yesterday but he’s still mean to have gone on at you about your own fears regardless.

Sounds like you’ve got the ick. I wouldn’t blame you if this was a dealbreaker! No one wants a partner who will f*ck off and leave them in a dangerous situation.

To be honest, I wouldn't judge anyone on a flight, fight, freeze, fawn response on a single event - it's not fair to, especially if it's a scenario that's unexpected.

But he sounds like a right pillock in day to day life, and if this someone who has let you down as a supportive partner, then what's the point in continuing the relationship?

He was never in the ME. Just nearby. But I hear all the time that he would have been just great, and I've always believed him, and thought how much braver than me and many others he is.