AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

He'll absolutely be doing this on Sunday. His whole family will be there, including one (not that old) who'll be wearing a whole load of medals on his left, including ones from WW1, WW2, etc, it's cringe. My family cant bear it and distance themselves. Perhaps dp is more like this particular family member than he cares to admit.

He's not who he says, is he? He's the plastic front that hes self-erected in front of the scared, selfish person he really is, crouching behind it.

I mean, I get that most people don't truly know how they'll act in an emergency (fight/flight/freeze/fawn response).

BUT (and it's a HUGE but) he tears you down to his level by insinuating you're less than, weak, crap, incapable. All so he can feel he's added another bolstering layer to his plastic man-front.

Genuinely, genuinely fuck this man off into the bin. I say it so often on here but you deserve better. So, so much better.

Was it a firework/bonfire incident out of interest?

This is indeed bravery.

He's a billy bullshitter then isn't he. I hope you're ok after the scary situation. I agree with you in that I wouldn't be able to look at him the same way again. In fact it would be the ultimate ick and there is no coming back from that. I'd be looking at him and thinking 'what a wimp'.

I'm sorry this has all come to light for you now. It's such a disappointment. The way he's treated you is equally mean and nasty though; you don't deserve that at all. What a spiteful, vindictive man. You deserve much better.

I wouldn't judge anyone who freaked out and couldn't cope in a serious situation EXCEPT for someone who bangs on about how brave and strong they are.
Yes, this.

But also, honestly this incident is kind of irrelevant OP, the nasty way he has treated you beforehand - for years? - is the big problem.

To give you a comparison, DH and I have more or less the opposite history to you. I was in somewhere high risk but not day to day dangerous, he was in the place nearby actually being shot at. He has never belittled my experience, he values that we have similar knowledge, that I understand about judging security risks, etc. He has never suggested that having gone through what he has makes him a better or braver person than me, just a person who has had different experiences.

Honestly, he sounds like a weak pratt, who takes out his low self confidence on other people. Making you doubt yourself is an absolutely horrible thing to do, he should be utterly ashamed of himself.

I've not asked. He has no idea how I feel tbh. I'm fairly good at hiding my emotions. I feel like it might be irreparable, but I want to some time to sit on it and think it through. It feels like a turning point, though.

I get how your husband feels BTW, he has every right to wear them though, it's the ones who bang on about their tours and what they did as individuals that's a bit odd imo. Or the ones who dismiss civvies as knowing nothing. There are a lot of civvies too in these war torn areas who do a whole lot to help people and who sacrifice themselves to help others, they just don't wear the uniforms and have parades.

@Notacoward thank you. Yeah, it's weird how that memory never left me. It was about 32 years ago. I hope you can decide if this guy really is right for you. All that boasting about bravery makes him sound like a bit of a fantasist. Honestly I'd get rid. X

The bravest don't talk about it . I never knew how brave my Granddad was in WW1 until the internet came along and I was able to look up his military past . He came home and just carried on with life . I think it was look back or look forward. My FIL was the same after serving in Burma .Never really spoke of it and got on with life.

He sounds like a billy bullshitter. On the other hand the fight or flight response is hard wired so there’s not much he can do when it kicks in. Reminds me of the movie “Force majeure” an interesting exploration of this type of situation.

Thanks Trees, I appreciate this viewpoint as I don't know many people who have our particular dynamic. We had an incident a couple of years ago on holiday. We were driving in a desert and he was being a prick and wheelspinning even though I was clearly getting anxious and asking him not to. It was 50°C and we had 300mls of water between us, and nobody around for miles. No phone reception, or working phones at all because of the heat. Anyway, the car got stuck and I panicked, I understood straightaway that unless we got out of that situation, that could end up being serious. He manoeuvred the car out in the end and all was well but I didn't hear the end of it, how I'd raised my voice at him in fear because im a civvy fanny. I was angry with him, he was stupid. I'd panicked because I saw the sand being thrown up by the wheels and knew we'd be stuck because of his idiocy, and I also knew how serious it was. He went on about how brave he was then, but I remember thinking, you're not brave, you don't understand the danger you've just been in. When I'd worked overseas, we travelled in convoys for safety, so we could pull each other out if someone got stuck, and we always carried extra water. But of course, you don't need all this if you're on a base on a holiday island.

Can't help fight flight or freeze

So life threatening situation and he ran and left his wife behind. Nah I'd be done at that. I ignore a lot from my other half but if he left me in danger to save himself I'd be done.
As for all the other stuff. He sounds like a twat.

You're right. I've told him this before. But he knew better and told me exactly how heroic he is in emergencies. He isn't. This anxious civvy is. The best he could do now is stay out of the way and be humble, not ask me how I would have felt if he'd have died. I feel the ick.

He's a bully. He makes you feel bad about yourself because it makes him feel good. He likes doing it.

Do with that what you will, but you're upset because you know its true. He's a nasty bugger.

He sounds like he has a huge inferiority complex I think I’d wait until the next time he looked down his nose at me (or others) and then take the opportunity to rip the absolute piss out of his reaction to the first dangerous situation he’s probably ever encountered
If you don't decide to dump him ( please do ) then raise this over and again every time he chooses to talk about how big and brave he is !

How exactly have you stayed with such a petty odious little man.

Please plan your exit and tell him that seeing him run away scared, was the final thing that turned your stomach.

Oh and definitely tell your family the truth.
I couldn't listen to his bullshit any longer.

Total ick🤢🤮

Maybe he has PTSD

Maybe he knew the safer option was to run? You decided to stay but that was your call.

Was he the only one that ran away - said you were in a group, was there a few that ran away or just him?

So does he understand that running away and leaving others to deal with danger might be seen as weakness? Or was he somehow being mentally strong in selflessly running away and saving you the trauma of dealing with his death?

Just him.

He must know he looks a bit pathetic given his gloating.

Are you going to bring it up?

My OH was in the forces and he's very brave. I don't mean he's doing courageous acts all the time but he faces life bravely. He wouldn't run away. I don't think he would ever criticise anyone else or comment on whether he thought they were weak. Did he say anything after the immediate event was over? Did he explain why he ran away? Aside from that, I don't think he sounds very nice.

Just shows how brazenly and unabashedly selfish he is doesn't it. And no acknowledgement to op for how much housework she has obviously done. He won't pull his weight for even a day. Wishing you the best op, sorry you're in this situation.

This sounds so like my FIL, who used to bore on for ever about the Second World War and how he virtually won it single-handed. The reality was that he was too young to fight and, although he joined the Home Guard towards the end of the war, he was up in the North and there was never any prospect by that time of any of them ever having to fight. He also somehow managed to avoid national service. By contrast, my father who did serve in the army and was injured, practically never mentioned his experiences, nor did any of his friends.