AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

He sounds like a throughly nasty person with low self-esteem or a chip on his shoulder. Apart from him running away and leaving you in danger he has spent years putting you down in order to boost himself so the signs were there that he'd leave you to protect himself. I think you're going to have to really consider your future with him because now that he knows you've witnessed what he's actually like in an emergency (a coward) he'll most likely double down on criticising you, over time this will destroy your mental health. Are you in a position to leave him?

Not as sure as I was, no. I feel a bit 'ugh'.

Absolutely this! He's full of it. And the fact that he's spent years bigging himself up while simultaneously putting you down is unacceptable.

I couldn't be with someone like this. He either believes his own bs and is completely deluded, or he's been gaslighting you for years.

He ran away and abandoned you and the others. Yet shows no shame about hiw cowardly and selfish behaviour. He doesn't have your back. He never has.

He's not brave Op and now you've seen that for yourself he's trying to pretend you weren't either. All the talk of housework is to put you down, to try and make you feel inadequate so you don't challenge him running away. Do you want to spend your life with this bullshitter?

He sounds like a coward wrapped up in a veneer of toxic masculinity.

I wouldn't put up with his chest beating 'hero' bullshit, never mind the way he acted in the incident.

I think you need to have some very honest words with him, if you choose to stay.

Have you sat down together and discussed the incident since? Has he explained why he so bravely ran away and left you to face the music, or apologised - for abandoning you AND for the years of belittling your courage whilst exaggerating his own?

This. He was awful before the incident. All the incident has done is make the frog (you) realise that the water is absolutely boiling.

Did he think the threat was not towards you but towards him, so he removed himself? Was there drinking involved?

It certainly doesn't sound good if there are no mitigating circumstances. What does he say happened?

The constantly putting you down should be a big red flag in its own right.

What a ridiculous thing to fall out about

Its fight or flight

His previous jobs probably caused his flight response

Honestly, no we haven't discussed it. He just asked me how I would have felt if he'd died, and I don't know, I just feel like something has switched inside me. It was so...selfish. I said something vague, how that, wouldn't have happened etc, and really felt I needed to speak to someone, hence this post. But I don't want to speak with my family. I think they'd be appalled that he'd ran away when I was the one in most danger, without making any effort to help me get away. In the event, I got away myself, got the other person away and then realised he'd scarpered. Yeah, my family would not be impressed at all.

I think thr military experience is pretty much of no consequence with this.

A 'man' belittles you/ others, to make himself feel better.

Is that how you want to spend your years?

Sorry to be so blunt, but: why was it ever OK with you for someone who claimed to love you to call you "weak" and a "coward"?

When he starts whinging about the housework in just the first 24 hours, it just goes to show how little he has done in the past.

He ran away from a situation that was dangerous and one in which you were also involved. I know we all deal with danger differently but you'd like to think that even if he was terrified, he would have at least stayed to make sure you were ok or to help you get out of the situation too rather than just leg it to save his own skin?

It's the fact that he brags about his brave nature that just indicates what a bullshitter he is. I'm all for self preservation but fucking hell! My lifetime partner swans off and leaves me in danger? er...no.

Personally, I'd be so riled up by now that I'd just have it out with him "so...yesterday...you ran away without thinking of helping me...what's that all about?"

Regardless of this incident it sounds like he’s obnoxious and likes to put you down. He sounds like an idiot, I’d move on.

He's irritated because I'm on painkillers so he has to do the housework

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be able to stop myself commenting on this. The reason he has to pick up the slack is because you are on painkillers because YOU weren't a coward and stuck around to help. He looked out for himself, saved himself, and frankly housework is the least he should be doing. What an absolute melt.

Tell him next time you're both in a life or death situation, he should remember this if housework causes him so much suffering. It's probably better to step up and be soooo brave as he claims he is - because it'll give him a free pass from chores for a few days

I think you're wrong sorry. Our jobs weren't the same but we overlapped. His job was never dangerous at any point. Worst thing he would have put up with would have been a bad hangover from a night out at the party town near his base.

His comment is so weird “how would you feel if I’d died?”. More pertinent is surely how he’d feel if you’d died, him having run away and left you to it??

He's always done it in a kind of jokey way (bloody civvies etc) , but in light of yesterday, it now feels as though perhaps it wasn't a joke. I can't forget how terrified his face was. After all his banging on all these years.

That comment has definitely triggered something in me and made me think.

I’d be really upset that he’d abandoned everyone in a dangerous situation, but it’s easy to say how we’d react I suppose.

The fact that he has given you shit for years for taking a tranquilliser on plane out of a war torn country is awful. It’s nothing to do with him, it’s not like you’re now addicted, and he was nice and safe on a base!

Every time he mentioned it, I’d be asking him about the dangers of unpasteurised halloumi in Cyprus, and how that compared to bombs in Beirut. Or wherever you respectively were.

Except he wouldn’t be mentioning it, cos I wouldn’t stay with someone with his attitude.

I don't think I could get over this, especially after going on and on and on about how brave he is for years. Not having your back when you were in danger and scarpering, just a complete turn off.

Funnily enough, these are the exact same thoughts that have popped into my head before.

The most empty tin rattles the loudest.

You have an inferiority complex

I think it is fine for him to save his own life rather than dying trying to save yours

Why should he? I mean do you realise the enormity of your expectation?

He doesn't have this, and believes this is weakness. I've had EMDR therapy in the past for PTSD, another reason why I'm not mentally strong apparently.