AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

He sounds really unpleasant, and is rude and patronising to you. But bravery is something you either are or not.

I personally have many qualities, but bravery is not one of them, no matter how hard I try ... I'm a quivering wreck

When the kids were small and had to deal with school problems, it made me feel ill. I always did it though but did not enjoy it (some people get off on it)

This is a massive concern for me.

If he'd not painted himself as this GI Joe type, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Fight, flight and freeze is involuntary. But God know, he has waxed lyrical for years about how he never panics and can deal with more than civvys.

Well he's clearly shown he is not 'much braver than you and many others' if his recent actions are anything to go by.

Wow - so he was posted somewhere safe not in the ME (but wears some sort of veterans insignia related to this?) and I assume didn’t see action but tells you how vey vey brave he is and how he would be so much better than you.

Relationships shouldn’t be a competition OP, they should be a partnership. Honestly, with yesterday’s incident and the back story are you sure you want to be with him?

I think I'd need a bit more context usually to come to a view on this - what happened? Bus crash etc or terror incident? I think that would help me decide whether he was at all justified in running away. Either way he's shown his true colours and I'd move on.

So he's a bullshitter.

All talk and no action.

What's his excuse for running off?

Sounds like my manager. Always going on about the fact he's done thirty years of self defence classes but I can think of three incidents with customers where he got scared and ran off with his tail between his legs when they stood up to him

Insecure

I actually laughed out loud OP - that is so outrageous. What a piece of work! Putting you down while pulling a Ruben Östlund's Tourist the minute something happens.

He isn't trustworthy at all.

It was quite specific so would definitely be outing. It was life threatening, for a small number of the group in particular - he ran off but the rest of us helped each other and managed to avoid catastrophic consequences. He's even asked me how I would have felt if he'd died? I was in the firing line, and I took the bulk of the impact (lessened though because of our teamwork). He's irritated because I'm on painkillers so he has to do the housework, and the house is falling apart apparently (after the grand total of 24 hours).

He sounds like a prick tbh. Classic forces guy that never went anywhere dangerous so has to constantly tell everyone how brave he is. People who are actually brave never need to boast about it. The way he treats you is gross.

Difficult to say without knowing what the incident was and what happened.

So true, my ex was exactly the same. Toured Prague and acted like he was in Afghanistan 🙄

what does ME stand for?

Oh Middle East!

I don't think it matters a single jot what he did yesterday. He's a fucking prick who patronises you and speaks to you with contempt. Why do you tolerate it? Dump him.

He sounds like a total dick as well as a shitebag.

I went out with an ex forces guy once and my God, the hero shit was just ripping out of him.

I remember watching a documentary on Dunkirk once. A British veteran, who had been a sergeant in the infantry, said that all his men behaved well, with one exception. And the man who ran away was the one who constantly boasted and bragged about how brave he was. I also remember an old documentary about WW1 in which another veteran said the same thing - that the man who kept boasting about all the Germans he would kill when they reached the front line was the first to break down under fire.

He's not exactly sounding like a keeper, OP. He was deeply unpleasant to you before and now, when his first thought should be your wellbeing, he's bitching about having to do housework and trying to make the situation all about him by asking how you'd feel if he died? You deserve better.

Yeah, I know exactly what he did tbf, but small trade in his branch so I can't say. It's a vital role and supports the wider work but definitely no 'boots on the ground' action. My dad was military too, and he'll do the normal banter between forces, but almost push it like 'Oh I thought your dad would have been a higher rank' (dad was high ranking, and outranks dp), or oh I couldn't have been in that branch, they can't really get everywhere like we can? I think a pp might be right now I have time to think about it. It's low self esteem. He wanted to do a particular role but couldn't pass the exams for that role.

I've seen people be brave in situations who never would have though they would have been. Just because you feel fear or anxiety, doesn't mean you won't be brave when s**t hits the fan.

This is my problem with him. He's the brave one and I'm the fanny because I get anxious about things according to him. But ultimately, I stayed and he didn't.

I would be singing this to him:

He's a Billy bullshitter & all mouth no trousers.

I wouldn't judge anyone who freaked out and couldn't cope in a serious situation EXCEPT for someone who bangs on about how brave and strong they are.

I think you're seeing his bragging and put downs in a whole new (very unattractive) light. He can't hack it and he knows it which is why he's so forthcoming about how brilliant he would be. It's a smokescreen

Ultimately you can't rely on him to have your back.

“Action is character” is one of my favourite quotations

(F Scott Fitzgerald)

He sounds odious op.

Are you sure this is who you want to be with forever?