AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

I've said nothing yet. He'll be visiting in a few mins but I don't think I'll bring it up. He must be aware. But he's said nothing either.

I might try to ask for his version of what happened and see if he defends himself. I won't call him out, just ask about what happened.

So what about his ridiculing before now? Or his actions today being more concerned with having to do housework than his partners injury?

Im sorry but this person sounds like he was intolerable before this incident but maybe this is just highlighting it to you now.

This my initial thought but the rest makes him sound like adds nothing to your life.

I'm afraid the more you share about him, the worse he sounds. Like you said, you can't predict a fight or flight response but he's been giving it the big man talk for years. I think he's painfully insecure and will throw you under the bus (emotionally and physically) to protect himself.

Yeah, I'd like to be able to put it down to this. But I can't. He was fairly dismissive when I had therapy for PTSD which for some reason didn't present until lockdown, many years after the events that caused it. He doesn't believe in it, and thinks it's only people with weak minds who suffer from it. 🙄 I've been doubting myself and thinking I'm weak for years.

I think the incident yesterday is kind of a red herring. Even if he had managed to stay calm and help everyone yesterday, it's still a complete dick move to do things like-

• call you weak because you've got ptsd and got therapy for it (wtaf!?)
• ridicule you for taking a tablet once
• laughing at you for various (normal) examples of being 'weak
• make everything a competition about who is the 'strongest' or bravest
• deliberately do stuff (like the desert example) to scare you and then ridicule you for your reaction
• be annoyed at you because you're resting and in pain following a traumatic event, because he has to pick up slack with housework , for one day

None of the above is normal, or healthy, or ok even if he had done something amazing yesterday. Why did you think it was OK for him to treat you like this (even if you did believe he was genuinely braver than you)?

It's seems like he has PTSD and went into a flight response.

Don't listen to what people say. Always, always watch what they do.

My Dad was ex military and never really spoke of it. Several of my brother's friends are ex military and saw a lot of active duty, but rarely refer to it. One of them was a paratrooper but looks like an accountant, he's very self effacing.

True heroes feel no need to brag because their actions speak for themselves.

Can someone explain what ME means? Thanks

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I laughed way too hard at camping with a ration pack.

Middle East.

I think!

Is this the fella?

😂 Tbh, dp very much looks the part and we have female friends and neighbours who swoon over him and the dangers he must have been through. I feel like saying sometimes, only one of us has been in a warzone actually and it's not the Daniel Craig wannabe over there. The more I think about it, the angrier I feel.

@Notacoward I would be getting a bit of yellow plastic and writing coward of the year adding a ribbon and presenting it to him!! go get a real man who would stay and keep you safe! never mind the woman and children first is obviously his motto!!

I think you're right. Yesterday was a real revelation, and one that I really have to think about.

It reads like he has bullied and abused you for years.

Are you afraid of him?
It reads like you are.

Time to tell your parents the truth.

Honestly OP, this would be a serious turn off in itself. The fact he fled and left his GF and brags about his military creds is fucking hilarious. You must be fuming.

Can you get in a few “Don’t be scared. I’ll look after you” jibes?

I would have to give back after years of him playing the war hero.

He sounds like a horrible bully as well as a coward.

Running away and leaving you in danger is horrible. Then asking what you would have done if he'd died? Wtf? What would he have done if you'd died? Because that was what was more likely in the situation.

Instead of apologising for leaving you, instead of making sure you're okay, and reassuring you of your safety, and making sure you feel safe to talk it through, he pretends he's some kind of hero for running away.

I would just end it, OP. He sounds like a useless partner.

Honestly OP, my fanny clamped shut on your behalf reading your first post. But with each of your updates it dried up, withered, and retreated deeper within my innards.

He sounds absolutely AWFUL. I appreciate that you're deliberately highlighting the relevant past events and that presumably he must have many good qualities to make up for the manifold ways in which he appears to be an utter knob, but oh my goodness, how on earth have you put up with this for so long?

OP has already said several times that he was never in the ME, did not see combat, does not have PTSD, and sneers at people who do have PTSD.

I don't think I'm afraid of him, I think I've just taken on his beliefs about me and believed them myself, and then yesterday realised that wasn't the truth. I was the one who stayed, I'm the one who's been in a warzone, and I'm the one who doesn't run off when the going gets tough. I am also the one who doesn't like fast rides, who gets anxious when a place is too crowded, and likes to read the risk assessments for venues. And it's entirely possible to be both of these things at the same time.

He's the one who presents himself as a military hero, who puts other people down, and who runs away at the first sign of trouble.

I haven't brought it up, not because of fear, but because I feel like there's no point. I feel different about him, so need to get better and do something about it. In my own time and on my own terms.

I understand what you're saying. He has many good points and is lots of fun. But this strand of ego has been present in varying levels and I think sometimes we play things down when they don't fit what we want. I'm appalled by his actions yesterday. And I feel strengthened by my own.

The more I read the more I’m asking why on earth are you with this person?

He has been telling you who he is since he’s been with you and showed it yesterday.

You sound like you deserve a fantastic partner and not this one who is essentially bullying you: you know the old tactic of a bloke who’s punching giving the hot girl low grade put downs to get her interested? Well that’s him and you - he’s punching and your self worth has been repeatedly knocked.

I hope that you recover well after your heroics and then I hope you get your ducks in a row, leave the idiot and have an amazing life going forward.

This is how I feel. It's the question that has left me reeling tbh. He was never going to die because he ran off without helping anyone. The rest of the group might have had small injuries but nothing more, but a couple of us were in absolute danger and we looked after each other. He was, and is, a coward.

Note: I've just asked his bloody version, and he tells me he'd seen the danger before any of us! Bit he didn't realise how bad it was until it was too late!! Wtf. Wtaf. I'm repulsed. I can't say this to any of the group, I'm fuming.