AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

Bravest man I knew was my dad (cliche obviously). He was terrified of heights and wouldn’t get on a roller coaster after the first time staff had to talk him off. He’d joke about my 4’8” 6 stone mum holding his hand to walk over a bridge. But he jumped into the middle of a knife attack then got pissed of when everyone kept talking about it.

No one can predict how they’ll cope in life of death and the same person that can cope with an armed gunman might go to pieces with blood in a car crash. There’s no shame in that. But years of belittling is awful and this has just brought this into sharp focus for you.

I'm a very calm person, like almost supernaturally so, to the extent that DP thinks there's probably something wrong with me somewhere in my brain.

It's really handy in a crisis, I'm the one who manages to find my way out of a 15 car pileup without a scratch without my heartrate rising, the one getting someone into the recovery position while telling someone else to get on the phone to 999 while everyone else is standing around gawping.

I often think I should have been a firefighter or something like that, because quite frankly it's a skill that's utterly wasted on a web developer. But it's probably the part of my personality I like most about myself, that I'm most proud of.

And then 3 years ago I heard a loud bang, and promptly left DP and DD for dead and legged it. I got down the bottom of the street and round the corner before it registered as a car backfiring.

Not gonna lie, took the wind out of my sails a bit. And now every time I pull off a feat of spectacular Zen-like calmness, DD and DP turn to each other and say "Ah, but remember the time he ran away from a stationary car."

Flight or fight is an instinct, you don't get to choose which one your body decides in the moment. I think it's unfair to blame your partner for that @Notacoward

However, the rest of it, the years of calling you a wuss and a coward, thats just him being a knobhead. I don't know why you've put up with that at all.

It wouldn't have been my expectation if he hadn't have marketed his courageous credentials so heavily.

I wouldn't have judged anyone else in the situation. People react in strange ways that they can't always control in emergencies.

This is the type of bravery I recognise. Your dad was clearly a good'un.

She certainly does not! What an appalling thing to say!

The OP has said that the flight response would not have been an issue (although surely, at the very least, you expect your loving partner would want to save you??), had this man not spent YEARS belittling her and her family. THAT is the issue. The 'big man' persona of what in reality is a very, very, very small man.

I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me
I couldn’t be with someone who does that, and the running away would be the nail in the coffin.

I don’t think the OP was judging him for his in-the-moment reaction per se. As others have said, you can’t really do that. But I think it’s reasonable to judge his previous behaviour and then how he’s been subsequently - that is much more controllable than the flight/fight thing. Just weird insensitivity to think it’s appropriate to moan about the housework and ask for her validation about how she’d feel if something had happened to him, without him apparently expressing any relief/gratitude that she managed to escape, or concern for her wellbeing.

Actually @Noodlesmumm being afraid and doing it anyway is what makes something brave. So you are brave. If you don't find a situation frightening you can't really be brave, can you? 😃

You're right, it's instinct. I've said this to him many times, that he wouldn't know how he'd actually react. But he wouldn't have it.

If today, he'd accepted that and had the decency to keep quiet I'd be more benevolent. But like pps have said, he's almost distracting from what happened by being grumpy about the housework. Also, he has no idea I feel this way. I've not brought it up with him at all, or anyone irl. I'm posting my thoughts on here instead.

I probably wouldn't judge someone on their immediate reaction to a dangerous situation as you just never know what you'll do until it happens. I ran away from DH when we had a scary run in with some wild ponies and he ribs me for it a lot!

What I wouldn't accept is the way he seems to conduct himself generally and the way he speaks to you. It's really, very unattractive.

That sucks. How could he not at least try and protect you? Not by putting himself in danger but just making sure you both got out of there safe.

I had a bf when I was about 15. He was 18 and pretended to be hard. One time a horrible group attacked and tried to rob us at the station. One girl punched me in the eye. Where was he?
Yep, he'd legged it. Him and most of his mates. Left my squaring up to a load of travellers trying to fight me?!
So yeah. I never forgot how much of a fucking pussy I thought he was on that night.

It wasn't. He's pathetic.

Not great. Also all the ex forces people I know are shit hot on H&S, security etc- they’re trained to think through risks and carry that on in civilian life. I’m surprised to hear of someone ex forces mocking you for thinking about this stuff.

He’s a mancage idiot. Has to put everyone else down to puff himself up. And when it actually mattered, he ran. You have the ick and rightly so.

It might have been instinct, and I respect that - people do strange things in the moment. He shouldn't have presented himself as some sort of hero for years.

This is exactly my thinking. I have ice in my veins in emergencies I've been in. It's just ADHD superpower instinct and isn't 'brave' in any real way. Some people cannot help run away, it's done before they think. But this wanker has been not only banging on about how brave he is, but also how weak you are.

He could have saved himself by simply saying, "love, I am so impressed. I have never seen anything like it. Sorry I ran, I'll give this to you, you're a boss." But he didn't. My pretty hard DH always gives me props and tell me how cool I am. Used to call me Adventure Girl

The flight or fight response is exceptionally strong and very hard to go against what is essentially a basic human instinct. I'm a flyer and ashamed to say I have even deserted my kids before now (not a life or death situation and we laugh about it now!). But in my defence I never claim to be anything else and luckily my partner has a very strong fight instinct. I wouldn't say that the flight instinct makes him a coward but just represents a different survival tactic. It's probably more selfish if he left you there to deal with it.

You must be a saint. If I was you, he’d have had both barrrels, as it were. I would have told him exactly what I thought of his ‘bravery’ and that I don’t want to hear one more word about him. I would have called him a coward, because that is what he is. DH and I are not forces, but I’m from a forces family.

by the way, I would have dumped him ages ago - particularly when he basically sneered at your Dad’s rank.

I think you should be blunt. Saying after all your talk of heroism it was me that stayed and you that ran away. He sounds as if he's covering up rather than facing facts. One of my friends was in a serious car accident with another. They thought the car was about to burst into flames and the other chap ran away. My friend bore him no ill Will for his actions but the other chap was consumed with guilt. Far more reasonable reaction than trying to deny everything.

Thank you. Everyone I know is the same. I can be fairly anxious at times, if I think there aren't enough emergency exits and too many people, or in places where I can see there would be a bottleneck in the event of an emergency. He often mocks me for it, and I've doubted myself. But actually, in light of our characters being laid bare yesterday, I don't regret it and think I am right. He's never had to panic, he's never been in danger. Now I think about it, he's been an arse about people in a particular role in his job because 'they're precious and think they're better than everyone else', and now I know why - because they actually go into dangerous situations. Thanks mumsnet, I think it is an inferiority complex.

He sounds very odd. My husband did five six-month tours as a soldier and won’t even wear his medals on Remembrance Sunday at ceremonies as he thinks it’s too ‘look at me.’ Have you asked him why he ran off and didn’t help?

That particular sneer did cause a quarrel when it was given tbf. It was particularly odd. It was a tactical move.from my dad, he needed to be at a particular rank to stay in for a long time, but it didn't need to be any higher, so he got to that rank so he could continue being forces.As I understand it anyway.

It's always the ones who shout the loudest about bravery, who are really cowards. Toxic masculinity. Yuck. I couldn't go near him.

Years ago, some joyriding idiot came around a dark and icy lane on the bend. It was late, I'd jumped out of the car to try and call my sister - was crossing the lane. Looked up to see this car barrelling towards me and I absolutely froze. Next minute a hand literally flings me across the lane, and the car shrieks to the side, narrowly missing DH. He was physically a mess at that point, could barely walk due to a very fresh near-death injury. He must have moved at the speed of light, but once I was out of the way just dropped. And you know what? He never even talks about it. Didn't want to, it embarrassed him.

That's bravery. These loud mouthed "brave" sorts are only ever brave in their heads.

That's how I feel, I'm not sure the feeling will go away. It sounds like yours didn't. Sorry Bobby, it must have been frightening and your bf at the time was indeed a fanny.

Very unattractive and kudos to you for dealing with what sounds like an incredibly scary event.
You've had some really informative and helpful posts - ignore the apologists who haven't read the full thread.
I imagine the T£at will March around town this Sunday with any medals on display.
Take heed and dump. My ex once woke me up to inform me that he thought there was an intruder downstairs and could I investigate? Same happened to a work colleague but there actually was!!! Current husband has bashed people that purposely injured me to get to the front of an event, chased car that clipped me etc. that's a man.

Ask him how that was possible seeing as he ran away?

(I'm spiteful)

Then I'd thank him for having my back

Then I'd kick off over him moaning that he was having to 'help' at home

Then I'd dump him