AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

A cheating coward....sounds consistent.
At least you won't be wasting any more time with him.
What a loser.
I so hope you tell the truth about him.
You will be grateful soon that you found out just how big a tosser he is.

It hurts. A month ago life was normal and now everything is in ruins. I didn't mention anything to him about what I thought about his actions, but I noticed at the debrief back in the UK that one of the other women was intent on making me understand how he hadn't helped me. I dont know why - it just set off my spider sense and I wondered if there was something behind it. Well, I brought that up in conversation and it turns out there was more. There are texts of course, and he'd clearly checked out in mind, if not in body.

I'm hurting and terrified of divorce, of splitting the house, moving with DC, and most of all losing my dog! I work long hours in the office so it looks like he'll take her. I fucking hate him. The pain is unbearable, worse than the physical pain following the accident. Thank you so much to everyone who's commented anything helpful, kind, supportive. Will this pain subside?

It does get better. I was totally blindsided by xh’s betrayal. But after the terrible time it’s actually worked out for the best.

I struggled so much I was prescribed propranolol and diazepam to get me through the panicky horrible moments. That helped a bit

Christ, do you think he deliberately ran away, thinking you might be seriously injured?

Fxxk that is cold.
I would sure as hell spin it that way.
I would shame the twat.
You will get through this.

You wil get through this and come out stronger the other side. You will be happy again. I can understand the grief for the life you thought you had. Can I suggest you save your strength to fight to keep your dog? There will always be solutions to working long hours.

The pain is shock. I felt it really acutely when a former relationship broke down really quickly, in a challenging environment, when I discovered he’d been cheating. It felt awful for 48 hours - whole life falling apart, how the hell was all the practical stuff going to work, and like you - what about the dog?!

After 48 hours the clouds lifted suddenly and permanently! I remembered, like you will, how unhappy I’d been, how useless he was, and how much better my life would be without him dragging me down. I’ve never looked back, and neither will you.

No, I think his actions just showed his priorities or lack thereof. And I think OW was trying to create a rift but she went too far and piqued my interest as to her almost obsessive level of interest, and as soon as I brought it up, everything came out - over about two days because he didn't want to come clean straight away. He let slip that they texted, and then I wanted to see and his panic showed. Lots of late night ong text convos with banter slipping over into flirting and an emotional affair. It doesn't look physical yet, but was clearly on it's way. I dont think she'll be stuck with him though, it looked like an ego boost on his part and there was much effort to hide it. How long will this whole process take. I've seen a solicitor and he thinks about a year?

Agree with this.

You will get through this and you will thrive.

So sorry. You will feel better, later. Finding out now while you were already withdrawing is, believe it or not, better than it being the only bolt from the blue.

That sick realisation, then even more sickening confirmation feeling will change to anger.

It’s very possible that she was a boost to his ego, only ever meant to be an OW while you remain the stable partner. You were never meant to find out.
A question I’d be asking is, is she the first? Or the latest? My own experience tarnishing my thoughts here, I’m afraid.
My opinion of women who go for others’ husbands, blatantly, is unprintable. He must have fed her some lines about your relationship to make her think you were no longer important to him. I was an albatross round his neck, to one , an ex he would not throw out to another, etc and the wife who had to be fooled into staying to a third.
At least you aren’t tempted into ‘Pick me’ . He has just confirmed that you are too good for him.
He knows you are a superior person to him..it’s why he wanted you, to know he could have someone so above his weight, while also resenting you and needing to belittle you to make himself feel less shame and inferiority.

Divorce time varies. I went for the cheap route but I had no children so it was easy. I was a married woman in June. I was divorced and free in July, 3 weeks after serving him with the papers.

Could you keep the dog, if you have dog walkers where you move to? Someone to take the dog out for a walk during the day? The dog walkers are kept busy where I live.

You might feel terrified by the divorce and splitting the house etc, but you will realise it’s more terrifying to have to stay with the wrong man.
My thoughts with you. You will get through this trauma and be relieved and hopeful for a better future in the end.

I'm so sorry OP. The fact he was cheating never entered my head as I thought he was bad enough as a bullying nasty belittling coward. Who knew he could fall further 😮

You seem a very organised person so no advice on the how to's but just a thought regarding the dog. Have a look at dog walkers, dog sitters, doggy daycare, even friends, who could help out whilst you are at work, even if they only did one day a week each.

As for divorce, it is split into three parts. The legal bit, finances and children. You can do the first part online yourself for £600, it is very easy as you just need to check boxes and click links BUT there are court delays and a 20 week cooling off period so even an amicable one with no fights over children or finances could still take a year. It is advisable not to finish the first part until you are in agreement over finances and children and get all three sealed by a judge together.

So he was having an affair with the woman who was intend on telling you he ran away and left you? My word Op, those two deserve each other, lower than a snakes belly. I'm sorry you're in pain now but in the long run you be so much better off without him

For how long it will take, I would say don't hurry. Take the time to make sure you and your kids get what you deserve. I settled privately with ex-h because it thought we could deal with each other amicably rather than using lawyers. I wish now I'd shelled out for a lawyer and insisted on my fair share. You naturally want to have it done and dusted but you know now what he's really like, your marriage is over; don't rush the legal paperwork.

I've filtered the thread to be able to read all your posts, though not the entire thread. He is a really despicable person. And that's not even counting the final revelations. I can see this is obviously so painful for you. But life has to be better without him in the long run because he is despicable and going on living with this horrible person who belittles others and bigs himself up but is actually incredibly selfish and self centred and everything he criticises in others would be corrosive.

You're probably a better person than me but I would want to tell him that if he doesn't want the truth to come out, he will let me have my dog without a fuss. And then keep as much of a distance from him as possible, that parental cooperation will permit, after that.

So sorry to hear this @Notacoward . You are strong and you will be ok, better even in the long run without him dragging you down.

I feel your pain in relation to the dog, can you take her to work or arrange doaycare/wfh patchwork? It will be hard but giving her up would be so sad for you.

I thought he was scum and could go no lower . . .yet. I know it sounds petty and pathetic but I would ask him to explain his behaviour to all involved in the incident and watch him squirm - along with OW - who seems to be revelling at (in her perception) being at the forefront. Usual Mumsnet advice re 'ducks in the row' etc but he's proved himself to be a lying tosser, from any angle. Obviously, you will grieve the death of your marriage plus the fake persona of someone you partnered and trusted enough to have kids with; he's the arse and idiot - not you. He's a certified liar so do don't be surprised at revision of facts / events; he has form. I'm so pleased you've already got legal advice! As per usual, the women are the ones that can't badmouth the father but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't play the martyr and turn up for the first hand overs all red eyes and sniffles; YOUR dog will be confused and try to extract the half cut onion wrapped in some cling film from ex's pocket. He'll then further expose his true self by his actions e.g. failing to turn up for events or pick up kids on his 'EoW' slot - probably by telling them he's off to Herefordshire with a wink and a Monty Pythonesqye 'nudge, nudge, say no more'.
Stupid joking aside I'm sorry for all you've been through but glad to know you're hopefully, recovering from physical aspects; obviously not emotional ones.

I promise you, you will be fine. This first part is awful, it's shock and pain and you think you'll never get past it. But you will, and sooner than you think. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you.

Well he’s met his match there - what a nasty thing for that woman to do to you.
What she doesn’t understand is that he’d do the same to her!
It will take time but you will get over it.

A much better life awaits you op... I left my cowardly exh. Spineless twat he was.
Played the hard man yet walked past his own dsis one dark night while her bf was attacking her.... Only knew after we were married or would have walked away from HIM...

I had the same @Stormyweatheroutthere - already posted how Ex woke me up to whisper he thought he heard someone breaking in and could I investigate?

Oh @Notacoward if he wasn't a piece of shit before. At least you can be doubly sure you're doing the right thing.

The only thing I can add to what everyone else has said is remember NEVER to trust anything he says or does, he will only ever have his own interests at heart and I wouldn't put it past him to try and shaft you all the more now that he has nothing left to lose.

All the women I know who have had the same (different names, different circumstances but all virtually identical - these oh so unique and speshul men) experience, who have been floored initially, start unfurling as they/we start seeing sunlight peeking through the clouds and are thoroughly blooming, obscenely so, by the time they are standing up straight soaking up the warmth of that sun.

I know it's hard to imagine now but you will get there

So OW was the woman highlighting how he hadn't helped you??

If so, he certainly didn't help her either, assuming she was there also!

I'm sorry you had to find out this on top of your original discovery. It will get better, I promise. I hope there is a way for you to keep your dog in your life too - they're such good companions during tough times.

Wow. I can't believe this OP, I am so very sorry, and completely furious on your behalf.

I want to publicly shame the fucking cowardly prick.

Your instinct is everything. Just wow.

Ooof that is some update OP.

You will be OK. Head up. Tits out, Flare your nostrils and do it.

She is getting a coward and you need to smile to yourself about that.

What an absolute shock that must have been OP. Big hugs to you.💐

I'm so sorry NotaCoward. He truly is the Tin Man only he doesn't want a heart.

You will get through this.

Can't help thinking, what sort of other woman wants a man who is an arrant coward though. I mean, she knows exactly what will happen if there is ever a threat to them.