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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wife wants step children back.

606 replies

stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:32

My step children 7 , 8 and 10 (wife's daughters) have lived with me full time now for 2 years 7 months, in this time their biological dad has seen them once and mum has seen them around 15 times.

Neither one of them have paid towards the children or bought them anything in this time, I have fully provided for them. Yesterday evening, I received this email from my wife.

Dear stephen.

Hi.

I am letting you know that I have recently rented a house in x area and will shortly be moving into it. I will be coming to collect the girls on Tuesday the 12th novemeber.

I think it's best you step back and don't have contact with them. They will need time to adjust and settle in, and contact with you will confuse them and make them unsettled.

Please can you make sure the girls' things are all packed up and ready for the 12th.

Thank you.

I am devastated, these girls are my daughters, I've been in their life for 6 years and for the last two and a half years I've brought them up myself, they call me dad I'm the only parent they really know. I've not spoke to the girls about this yet but they will absolutely not be wanting to go and stay with their mum, infact they don't even want to see her, she's let them down too many times now and the trust is gone.
Has anyone been through this before? Do I have a leg to stand on? I'm assuming I have no choice but to hand the kids over on the 12th? She has financially ruined me with her gambling addiction, I don't think I can afford a lawyer, I'm aware I'm not biologically their dad but I'm the only dad they know, it would destroy them to be taken from me.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Hankunamatata · 06/11/2024 11:36

Did you get in touch woth social services as soon as mum disappeared? Have you some form of legal responsibility?

Stormyweatheroutthere · 06/11/2024 11:38

Seek legal advice. Just because you aren't their df doesn't mean a court won't give you access or indeed continued custody... Apply for special guardianship as a matter of urgency..

Original poster
stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:38

Hankunamatata · 06/11/2024 11:36

Did you get in touch woth social services as soon as mum disappeared? Have you some form of legal responsibility?

No I didn't. I don't have any legal responsibility.

OP posts:
Whatamitodonow · 06/11/2024 11:40

Surely social services are involved?

do you have parental responsibility? If not who has been making those decisions- health, schools, holiday etc?

have you formalised the arrangement in any way?

get on to social services today. At least to hold off the “handover” until formal assessments can be done of the situation.

Singleandproud · 06/11/2024 11:43

They aren't your children and you have no legal hold on them. Do school and DRs and other officials know you have been acting as a parent? Making decisions for them without PR? I'd imagine you need some sort of statement from them as evidence if this did have any traction.

This is a very unusual situation and you need proper legal advice not MN.

Marsh3melz · 06/11/2024 11:43

What do the girls want? Tbh I would tell her to go to court. Do you work OP? You maybe entitled to legal aid. Search your local family mediation as its compulsory to do at least 1 session. It doesn't have to be together but it's the mediation who gives you the C100 form so you can apply to the family courts.

WhoInvitedHer · 06/11/2024 11:44

A one off legal advice session with a family law solicitor is needed as a matter of urgency. This will not cost much at all and then you will know your options. You may be able to represent yourself before a Judge. What is in the best interests of the children is what the Court system will be interested in.

Original poster
stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:45

Whatamitodonow · 06/11/2024 11:40

Surely social services are involved?

do you have parental responsibility? If not who has been making those decisions- health, schools, holiday etc?

have you formalised the arrangement in any way?

get on to social services today. At least to hold off the “handover” until formal assessments can be done of the situation.

No social work involved. My wife chose gambling and other men, and then she left. I knew their dad wouldn't take them, and I refused to let them go into the care system, so I raised them. I've been making the decisions. The girls are home schooled they attend a tutors' house alongside 3 other children, and there haven't been any major decisions that have needed to be made.

OP posts:
TTPDTS · 06/11/2024 11:47

Oh that's so tough!

I think with no PR you may struggle with this, is it worth seeking some sort of professional advice?

Is the mum a safe person to have them?

It's so odd that she left three young children for so long with a non relative, barely visiting. That must count for something, along with all the effort and care you've provided for so long.

Are the girls well supported? That's a lot of change so young.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 06/11/2024 11:48

If you're real about this then you need to take action now.
You need to call SS.
And you need to begin a case for a CAO.
How are the girls? Have.tou had contact with the schools? You need to have urgent meetings with them to open up about everything.

Original poster
stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:48

Marsh3melz · 06/11/2024 11:43

What do the girls want? Tbh I would tell her to go to court. Do you work OP? You maybe entitled to legal aid. Search your local family mediation as its compulsory to do at least 1 session. It doesn't have to be together but it's the mediation who gives you the C100 form so you can apply to the family courts.

The girls don't even want to sew their mum, she's let them down so many times, and the youngest is terrified of her. Yes, I work full time. That's helpful advice thank you.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 06/11/2024 11:49

You do, or you could get some rights. Solicitors right away and urgent application to the courts.

StudioFocusTricky · 06/11/2024 11:49

stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:38

No I didn't. I don't have any legal responsibility.

Show quote history

You can apply for it though.
The children are old enough that if they express their wishes to a court it will be heard. Do they want to stay with you or do they want their mum?
If it's in their best interests to stay with you the courts may award you guardianship but a mother has to go seriously off the rails to have all parental rights removed.

Might their mum consider a shared care arrangement? She may be open to this as being a single parent of 3 kids 24-7 is hard (as you will know) so if she might listen to reason then suggest you move to 50:50 as a transitional arrangement until the children are happy because it's not in their best interests to have such a sudden and total change?

If she wouldn't entertain that make sure that social services are aware of the children and make sure they know they will always have a home with you if they ever need it.

Original poster
stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:51

TTPDTS · 06/11/2024 11:47

Oh that's so tough!

I think with no PR you may struggle with this, is it worth seeking some sort of professional advice?

Is the mum a safe person to have them?

It's so odd that she left three young children for so long with a non relative, barely visiting. That must count for something, along with all the effort and care you've provided for so long.

Are the girls well supported? That's a lot of change so young.

My wife has a gambling addiction and hangs around with random men who certainly aren't safe people, she's erratic and drinks too much. The girls are happy, they call me dad, they call my parents granny and grandad etc they have a very loving family and a great home life, the only they are ever upset is when their mum shows up.

OP posts:
Lackinginspiration1 · 06/11/2024 11:53

So you have essentially taken these children off grid (by homeschooling) to avoid any contact with the authorities when you have no parental rights?! It may came from a good place but that is so completely wrong! Contact social services so that you can at least get some formal arrangements sorted, you have no legal right to do that

ObsidianTree · 06/11/2024 11:54

Go to social services now and explain the situation. The kids welfare matters the most here so if you raise the concern that their mother left them, gambling addiction, random men etc, then hopefully social services will investigate whether it's in the girls best interest to go to their mum or not. It might not work in your favour, but best to log this so at least social services will keep an eye on the situation.

DandyTealSeal · 06/11/2024 11:54

You need to get Social Services involved now.

ARichtGoodDram · 06/11/2024 11:54

If this is genuine then you need to go to court sharpish if you want to have any hope of access to the girls.

Tbh you should have had something put in place a long time ago - having no PR puts you, and them, in a vulnerable position. Legally atm your wife, or their father, can simply come and take them and you have no legal position to stop them.

Singleandproud · 06/11/2024 11:54

You need to go the formal route and you need to do it today as a matter of urgency. Without the right legal responsibilities all you've done won't count for anything.

Were the girls homeschooled before? The fact they've slipped through the net and have no one with PR caring for them is shocking, I'm sure you've done a good job but what if you hadn't and were abusing them - no one would know.

Original poster
stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:55

StudioFocusTricky · 06/11/2024 11:49

You can apply for it though.
The children are old enough that if they express their wishes to a court it will be heard. Do they want to stay with you or do they want their mum?
If it's in their best interests to stay with you the courts may award you guardianship but a mother has to go seriously off the rails to have all parental rights removed.

Might their mum consider a shared care arrangement? She may be open to this as being a single parent of 3 kids 24-7 is hard (as you will know) so if she might listen to reason then suggest you move to 50:50 as a transitional arrangement until the children are happy because it's not in their best interests to have such a sudden and total change?

If she wouldn't entertain that make sure that social services are aware of the children and make sure they know they will always have a home with you if they ever need it.

Show quote history

Youngest is terrified of her mum. None of them want to even see her, and they will be devastated if they have to go and live with her. She drinks too much and has a gambling addiction. She gambled all our money away, and at her worst was mentally abusive towards me. It's just been sprung on me out of the blue, and I can't believe she would even suggest I don't have any contact with them.

OP posts:
CocoDC · 06/11/2024 11:58

Contact social services, explain the situation, they can give you advice

Original poster
stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:58

Lackinginspiration1 · 06/11/2024 11:53

So you have essentially taken these children off grid (by homeschooling) to avoid any contact with the authorities when you have no parental rights?! It may came from a good place but that is so completely wrong! Contact social services so that you can at least get some formal arrangements sorted, you have no legal right to do that

You seem to he twisting my post as i did not say thay I myself chose the schooling. The girls had always been educated this way, I in no way have taken the children off grid, I simply carried on with their normal schooling.

OP posts:
Mischance · 06/11/2024 12:04

Contacting social services will not put them into the care system - it will provide you with outside professional advice and objective assessments of what is best for the children who are in need of advocates. A family law solicitor would also be able to help.

You need to take these actions immediately.

HopelessHouseMaid · 06/11/2024 12:05

Make contact with social services so that the children are protected once they leave your care. Explain the circumstances to them. I’m sorry you are going through this. Well done for stepping up for those children.

Fluufer · 06/11/2024 12:05

You need to contact social services. You should have done so years ago.