Wife wants step children back.

[stephen8]

My step children 7 , 8 and 10 (wife's daughters) have lived with me full time now for 2 years 7 months, in this time their biological dad has seen them once and mum has seen them around 15 times.

Neither one of them have paid towards the children or bought them anything in this time, I have fully provided for them. Yesterday evening, I received this email from my wife.

Dear stephen.

Hi.

I am letting you know that I have recently rented a house in x area and will shortly be moving into it. I will be coming to collect the girls on Tuesday the 12th novemeber.

I think it's best you step back and don't have contact with them. They will need time to adjust and settle in, and contact with you will confuse them and make them unsettled.

Please can you make sure the girls' things are all packed up and ready for the 12th.

Thank you.

I am devastated, these girls are my daughters, I've been in their life for 6 years and for the last two and a half years I've brought them up myself, they call me dad I'm the only parent they really know. I've not spoke to the girls about this yet but they will absolutely not be wanting to go and stay with their mum, infact they don't even want to see her, she's let them down too many times now and the trust is gone.
Has anyone been through this before? Do I have a leg to stand on? I'm assuming I have no choice but to hand the kids over on the 12th? She has financially ruined me with her gambling addiction, I don't think I can afford a lawyer, I'm aware I'm not biologically their dad but I'm the only dad they know, it would destroy them to be taken from me.

Please please seek legal advice today from a family lawyer. They will advise of how to take this through the courts. Don’t leave anything to chance and prioritise it over everything else.

Seek legal advice asap wrt going to court/obtaining an interim order. Ignore any poster's who tell you that, as a step-parent you won't stand a chance....I did it over 20 years ago and my DSD remained with me. I'm not saying it will be easy but you have been the 1 constant person in their lives and they need to to stand up for them now.

Tell her that’s fine as soon as she pays you back paid child support.

You say you haven’t made and major decisions but the way I see it you decided not to send them the school and you decided not to contact social services every single day their mum and dad have not been looking after them. You’ve done the girls a massive disservice by not giving them this protection from adults who have may not have their best interests at heart.
I think you need to contact social services and get legal advise asap.

Absolutely get legal advice.

Even without pr you or are and have been significant and relevant person making decisions about their care and upbringing.

It is in their interests that you remain a stable and reliable attachment in their lives.

You should engage a solicitor urgently.

I think you need proper legal advice and a chat with social services. Do you have proof of how often she has visited and that she has a gambling addiction etc?

You need legal advice but in the absence of this I would start by recommending that you stop saying “There was no legal agreement” etc and start saying “Mum recognised that due to her addiction she was unable to parent the children at that time and we made an informal agreement that I was to be their guardian”
You have loads of evidence of that - bank statements, tutor, neighbours, friends, family etc.
The conversation then becomes are the children better off remaining with their guardian or returning to mum.

What do the girls think? That is highly relevant and will be taken into consideration.

Your ex-wife is unreasonable to ask you to cut contact after all this time, at the very least she could have suggested shared care.

I understand she wants them back if she has turned her life around and now has a stable home but what she is suggesting is too much for the children, and for you. You are their dad to all intents and purposes.

Do seek some professional advice and good luck.

Get legal advice immediately - mumsnet can't help you here, its too unusual a circumstance. Unless your lawyer or social services tells you differently I definitely wouldn't hand them over without a court order - but you need to pursue some sort of legally valid guardianship immediately to protect them (and you). For their sake I really hope you get it.

I agree with everyone else, SS need to be called today. Set up a meeting with them, explain everything honestly, provide evidence of them living with you for nearly 3 years, and evidence through texts of her not visiting/letting them down and of her addictions. This context will be vital in protecting them going forward.

Chances are, she'll be perfectly entitled to take them. Do you want that to happen with no professional oversight? Social services may delay the move to their mum's while they ensure it's a suitable environment and they've reconnected properly, it'll give you time.

Meanwhile get proper legal advice about PR.

Are you in the UK? This all sounds very irregular. Honestly although I don't agree that cutting you out altogether is even a slightly good idea, it is better if they can move towards living with their mum if she's capable. That's how the UK law will see it too, I'm sure.

I agree you need to call a solicitor asap

To answer a few questions. The girls haven't seen their mum in 7 months now. The youngest is scared of her due to her eraric behaviour and shouting. All 3 girls have no interest in seeing her. To the posters saying I've hid the girls away, etc, by having them home schooled, this simply isn't sure. The girls have always been home schooled this was a joint decision with my wife. Also it's not that I was intentionally not alerting social services I juat never seen a reason to do so, my wife left, myself and kids remained In the family home, the girls have always seen me as dad, I've been there from the start so when mum left I simply carried on rasing them.

Having supported my partner recently through the family court system re his 10yo child, I can't see that you have a leg to stand on unfortunately. You're unlikely to get parental responsibility without the other parents' agreement or the support of social care and I can't see social care taking an interest. Without parental responsibility you have no legal rights. The court doesn't listen to children 10 and under in any meaningful way. Maybe teenagers but not 10yos.

Please get legal advice TODAY, find a suitable family solicitor who can advise you on the appropriate steps to take. I would recommend doing this before contacting social services so you have someone who knows the ins and outs that can liaise in the matter and tell you how to approach everything.

It sounds like this has come from a good, kind place, so hats off to you. A similar situation happened with my own dad and my older sister when she was young - he's still 'Dad' to her to this day. But saying that, I can't imagine having absolutely no foresight with this. Best of luck to everyone involved and I hope the girls can remain stable and happy x

How sad of you to have such a disgusting opinion. As I have already said, the girls have always been home schooled by a tutor in her home. Mum pissed off and left the girls, so I carried on raising them like any good dad would do.

Call children’s social care asap and be totally honest about everything including all concerns about your wife

You need to get it documented that they have lived with you as their guardian for years ASAP. On paper if it just looks like she has been their legal guardian then you’ll have no leg to stand on. Agree you should have done this years ago. You are what is in the children’s best interest, which is usually how courts are meant to lean, but it needs to be documented!

well if social services aren't involved and they are not in school then i doubt you'll have leg to stand on.

There seems to be no official levers involved in you taking custody of them nor any contact with outside agencies that have safeguarding officers.

If you had a relationship with them and allowed Social services to do an assessment they very likely would have left them with you, as you are married to their mother.

You need to seek urgent legal advice.

Ideally and with hindsight probably should have formalised the situation before now - but seek urgent legal advice today and see what if anything can be done.

You can't seriously be implying what I think you're implying. This is called stepping up when nobody else would. This is called parenting. This is being a good man. This is being a real father.

It's an irregular situation, granted, but it's anything but "sus".

Home schooling is a completely legal choice. Not one I've made for my children, but still valid. OP also states that this was the case before he had responsibility for the children and he's just continued it. Again, not "sus".

OP- Get legal advice then (if advised by solicitor) get Social Services involved immediately. And well done for raising these children who otherwise would be in a much worse position.

Get ss involved. Write everything you can down. It's your only hope of you can't afford legal help.
You need to hope they see your side and how long the mother has been absent and her problems.
Just ignoring it won't help. And obviously once she has them then you will have less chance.

Maybe you and your bad mind are the wrong ones here!