Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

You could always decide the people in instagram homes are boring and their opinion of little worth - quite possible! My house is far too large for me, now, but I will not move. It's comfy, it's full of stuff and memories and vaguely what's called 'country house chic' though it's not in the country and I am not 'county' either. People like it - amazing - or think it's untidy and needs modernising. So what? I like it. It also has a huge garden, which I do what I can with - no lawn, paving and flower beds and paths.

But you're inviting the people for yourself and your child, right? You're not inviting people around to do them a favour, you're inviting them because you want them there, and because you want to promote your daughter's social life by hosting her friends.

I would certainly see that as investing in myself as much as a gym routine, and think that anything within reason I needed to do in order to facilitate a social life I wanted (whether it was mowing the lawn or giving the kitchen a temporary repaint) was investing in myself and my life, and that of my child.

Like we have an enormous garden, part of which is still a building site and will be for another couple of years -- I would replace the lawn with a small orchard if it were up to me, but DS likes having friends over to play football, so I keep it as a lawn for now. I don't do it. I get someone in.

Actually, as regards your garden, the growing season is done, so if you get someone in to do a good clear-out now, it won't need anything at all done to it for months, and will be easier to keep on top of once the growth starts again in the spring.

I think you should reassess your needs and wants. Do you really want to improve your house? Or do you just feel obligated to because of the kids/ socializing etc? Reason I say that is the Instagram remark and the fact that you said you'd mowing the lawn to meet the needs of your guests. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be doing playdates, etc somewhere else, like parks, as suggested by someone here. There's no law, at least not in my book, that says you should be having people over if you're feeling self-conscious about the state of your house and improving it feels like a burden. Life is too short to waste it trying to please others at the expense of your own well-being.
Nevertheless, if you have a change of heart, there are tons of videos on YT and pictures on Pinterest to inspire you. Inspire, not dictate. It's your home, and you should organize/ decorate it as you and your family see fit.

Thank you for your comment. It's quite on point about how I feel about all of that.

I feel it rather as a social obligation, out of politeness, rather than a joy to invite parents with kids who have instagrammable homes. It's just to make sure that if my daughter wants to be friends with them we can reciprocate. I don't think the kids will judge our home, however there is a high chance thier parents, who spent fortune on renovations will.

I also don't think these guys and us will ever be close friends, we live on a different planet with someone who came from money, was educated privately, etc. However, it would be good if we stay 'school mum friends' for the sake of kids.

As some comments said I could be overthinking it all though, and as long as it's clean and the garden is done we could be fine.

Op I just want to caution you... I have an Instagramable house and I still wouldn't judge if yours wasn't perfect. Don't assume these people will be judging you just because they have a different social background. We each prioritize spending differently as you well know. Waiting to spend money on the home doesn't make you a less worthy person.

That's exactly it! Your home is your kingdom. If other ppl have IG-able houses, well, good for them. But that shouldn't be the yardstick for everyone. People have different lives, experiences, priorities. When it comes to personal stuff, it's never one-size-fits-all.

I’d judge you for being the weird parent that doesn’t reciprocate. It’s about loving your kids enough to put them first and whatever anyone says, kids love having friends around to play and denying them of that opportunity is very, very sad. If there’s a genuine reason go to the park, but worrying what others think shouldn’t influence you.

Oh I am sure you would.

As long as your home is clean, warm & welcoming inside then I'm sure most people won't notice half the things you've mentioned. If it's safe then you have no reason to not invite people over & children for playdates. If you're that concerned what others think just explain that you're trying to over pay on your mortgage to get it paid off quicker & it doesn't leave much left over for non essential maintenance/repairs. Wait until the warm weather & get out when you can to tackle the garden so your child & friends have outdoor space to play in. An hour here & there will be all it takes to keep it tidy. Everyone has hang ups about their home to some degree, but it shouldn't stop you having people over & socialising.

tbh I wouldn't want to invite over (or spend time with) anyone who judges your home so harshly. Some homes need work, it shouldn't be an issue for them.

Focus on the low hanging fruit- the garden you can do yourself, the conservatory also doesn’t sound like an elaborate project.
focus on the areas from the front door to where the socializing is happening- make sure those are clean and in decent condition.
also if you don’t focus on maintenance soon-ish you may have much larger projects in your hands over time with things really falling apart.