Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

You justify spending no money on maintenance by saying fully renovated houses on your road only sell for the same as unrenovated ones. So why did you buy one that needs so much work instead of a renovated one, for the same price?

You don't have to do anything major. Clean the conservatory. Plane and re-hang the doors (I've done it, it's not too difficult, though two people are better than one) - replace any broken ones if you can. Make sure house is clean. Make sure kitchen is clean. As long as 'outdated' doesn't mean doors hanging off then being clean is sufficient. If doors are hanging off then get a screwdriver and tighten them up (this usually fixes that problem). Get some house plants and tidy the garden - a few Sunday afternoons should do it, it doesn't have to look as if Monty Don came round!
Hey presto! You are ready to receive. And 4 year olds don't much care about decor.

They also take many many more hours and a great deal more cost than implied. Unless youre working from an excellent 'virgin' base, without dsys of hard graft to prepare, plus cost of tool hire, throwing a tin of paint over it is akin to putting a pig in a petticoat and trying to pass it off as a princess.

Can you focus on just making one room nice? You don’t need to give people a tour of your house, if you have a nice front room you can take people straight into there. Tell them to take a seat and you’ll bring in some drinks and snacks.

That probably just means spending a weekend giving it a deep clean - and maybe a lick of paint if it needs it.

Then you can always move onto other spaces bit by bit, one room at a time.

And as others have suggested if it makes you feel better you could even say to people you’re having work done so it’s a bit of a tip to explain why they haven’t been taken into the kitchen / the rest of the house.

When my eldest started reception, we were living in the middle of London and most play dates were in parks to let the kids run off their energy after sitting still in school all day. Even in pretty poor weather, we’d take sacks of snacks and waterproofs. No one’s house got trashed, there was no when-will-they-leave awkwardness, and the kids who weren’t yet great at playing with others didn’t feel so pressured. Be the person who starts a park play date trend, OP 😉

Another one who is gobsmacked that you’re pouring every spare penny into over paying the mortgage on a house that needs updating/decorating/jobs doing when you’re living there day in day out and not even enjoying it. It baffles me!

i have been to a huge range of houses over the years of having kids and the only one that has ever stuck out was one that was filthy dirty and I hated every minute being there. Everyone else was fine, some big, some small. I don’t care about things like kitchens etc but as long as your home is clean and you’re welcoming and have Yorkshire teabags I’m happy.

seriously though op you’ve got time to sort out what you can. Don’t do it for anyone else though, do it for yourselves.

You are worrying too much in advance. Honestly, kids do not care about the state of the house - and you won't be the only parent with a house in need of tlc.

I hosted umpteen kids over the years, including sleepovers, and our house was sometimes resembled a tip. I too lived in an area with much grander homes than mine but it didn't bother me at all. I still don't care about such things and am pleased to say my only child, now 45, slso doesn't (I couldn't begin to tell you what the inside of his home is like, suffice to say it's often difficult to find somewhere to sit down and you take your life in your hands crossing a room. He does plenty of hosting).

All will work itself out, I promise you. Be expansive and hospitable. It is what you are like with the kids that matters, and that they are safe which they will be.

I don't do playdates at home and my DC are popular.

They meet at the park, events and parties.

Don't stress, not everyone is into them.

Totally get you. I do appreciate that people saying don't worry, etc as they want to support but when everyone (well, almost!) around you lives in an Instagram dream that's hard not to!

Why is it not clean? That doesn’t cost anything neither does cutting the grass

Kids do not notice these things.
It costs nothing but effort to clean and garden.
Other than that don't be influenced by social media and other people's houses. A house is a home and children remember where they had fun and the food.

Evan and Poffy, the op did not say her home was not clean, just the outside of the conservatory needs specialised cleaning.

Nobody cares if bits of your house are not "polished". I've never been to someones house to judge their kitchen decor, see if their door hinges align or how clean their windows are. I've gone for a nice hot cup of tea and a natter.

I'm a mum of a 3 year old and a 4 year old who has had plenty playdates. People get told to watch where they are walking incase a random hot wheels car is on the loose 🤣 although I have started to do soft play lately alot more.

Everyone is in the same boat, especially with young children. Remember that old saying .... Those that matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter 😊

One of DD’s friends once asked “Why did you rip up your house?” 🥴 It’s a fixer-upper. Doesn’t stop us hosting but I do find myself apologising a lot.

Summer is easier: I have improved the garden as that’s relatively cheap and easy, so kick them all outside. Serve good snacks, have a water activity tray, let them dig, prune and “garden”. Winter, we just make sure it’s clean and tidy, even if the underlying aesthetic is hovel. There’s nothing that can be improved with a tin of paint – it’s all rip it up and start again condition. The kids really don’t care and the parents we’ve had over are more interested in the opportunity for coffee, biscuits, finishing a sentence without a child interrupting. Exception is DD’s room which we blew the budget on doing properly, so she had somewhere non-hovel. They all play in there.

You've got nearly a year - plenty of time to do some small jobs and freshen things up a bit if it bothers you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Children definitely won't care. My dc1's favourite playdates were with a friend who lived in a tiny, untidy house where they could do pretty much what they wanted and the snacks were great. 20 years ago now but it really put my own anxieties about that kind of thing into perspective.

Some elbow grease and a few freebie sites can help enormously.

Cleaning, tidying and fixing the easy stuff will help no end. I've lost count how many houses I've walked into when I was a pet sitter/dog walker many years ago and seen a bundle of quick jobs that cost nothng to do that would make life easier and look nicer for the want of 5 minutes.

There are plenty of ways to cover a fence that is looking knackered but the adage good fences make good neighbours is quite often true, might be worth spending on those even if you only repalce them a panel at a time.

I was in a similar position OP. I live in a tiny terrace that needs updating in an expensive area full
of beautiful Victorian mansions. I was so anxious about how this would impact my son’s social life when he started school. I tried to put it to the back of mind and make play dates as fun as possible to make up for the lack of space- crafts/ baking/ games/ snacks. Three years later and we are the house they all want to come to- although the activities have changed! My son has a big group of friends/ gets constant invites to parties and days out with his friends. He’s very social and very happy.

Invite people over as you are. If other folks are judgy, they’re not the people you want to stay friends with. My favourite friends to visit are the ones who live in quirky surroundings. 😜

I wouldn’t be overpaying my mortgage. Your house sounds by your own words truly quite awful and in need of repair and decor. Honestly if it was just outdated but clean then I’d say fine but it sounds way beyond that. And being honest I wouldn’t want to visit your home as it sounds. Meet outside the home till it’s sorted. I’m sure others will say they wouldn’t mind but I really would. Again if things weren’t in disrepair or dirty beyond your scope then I’d say fine but it’s not that. Funnel your money into a lovely welcoming home first. Then overpay.

I agree with this.

My daughter regularly stays with her friend from the traveller camp nearby- the trailers are clean and safe, and that’s all that matters, kids just want to see their friends. In fact they probably have more fun there as allowed to eat in bed or paint on the floor! Don’t worry about your house, just feed everyone well and the parents will be glad to have some time to themselves (or is it just me..)

The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken.

You and your husband could tackle most of this quite easily if you are not in a position to pay others to rectify the problems.

Spend a weekend cleaning the conservatory..

Join Facebook groups and show photos of your kitchen for ideas how to update such as the Frenchic group who paint their cupboard doors for a whole new look.

Spend another weekend in the garden cutting it all back.

Spend another weekend fixing the broken doors.

Unless I've missed a bit where you are both severely physically handicapped.

I have the exact opposite problem. We recently renovated our house and is rather on the luxury side. We have play dates at our house but never invited to anyone else’s, although my daughter is invited to birthday party’s (not in homes) and trips to cinema etc. I come from a very humble background, my own parents house is tiny in a not so nice part of a city, which people know, I’m certainly not polished so don’t give off snob vibes, but fear other people think their house will be disappointing to us. We honestly don’t care, we just want to socialise with parents of our daughters friends, so please invite people over, if they are nice and genuine they won’t care what your house is like.

This !!!! Totally agree