Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

Seriously? How can you not get it?

The explanation that we don't use the garden is for the people who say we should reconsider our position / priorities or judge our financial decisions or even income! I did not ask for all of this!

The useful tips on how to improve it on a low budget, quickly etc - thanked people for it.

Really, why do people think its ok to give an advice on someone financial priorities is beyond my understanding!

I didn't ask for your or anyone's advise on whether I should overpay my mortgage, did I?

Neither I asked on whether I should spend all my weekend doing DIYs?

To be honest, if you sound judgemental you will receive an appropriate response from me. To the rest of people who's been quite nice and posted useful tips I said thank you.

If you don't like my replies nothing keeps you here, on my thread!

Sounds like you need to write down all the jobs, break them down eg gardening includes: new fencing, weeding, cutting back, replanting. Some jobs you outsource and pay for, most you learn to do it bit by bit over weekends, annual leave, evenings. Prioritise the most important and agree with husband what to focus on first. Eg safety issues would be top of my list, including replacing fencing, making garden safe to play, getting any rewiring or plumbing issues sorted.

Get rid of clutter! A cluttered house never looks clean or tidy.

I don't think other parents will judge you on how old/new your kitchen is, but they may look at potential hazards or get a feeling your home is unkempt, chaotic or un-cared for. But you can fix most of the issues yourselves eg clearing garden bit by bit. Think functional and safe rather than stylish. Get rid of all rubbish then clear it, so it's at least a work in progress. Walls can be painted or papered yourselves eg after work.

Work with the space and budget that you have, don't wait until you've saved up. Children need safe, organised spaces to play, a clean area to eat, easy to use storage for toys etc.

I am sorry but that's ridiculous. You can't buy a property based on the fact that you like neighbours and how they do their garden. What will they do if the neighbours move and someone less tidy moves in? Sell the house and run after the neighbours?

@kva
You cannot be so naive to think most people don't consider the whole street/area when buying a house? you might not, but most do.
I wouldn't consider a house if next door was a dump/eyesore.

@Heronwatcher God you sound judgey, “little castle”, “poking nose into finances”, “is your life that boring…”.
Exactly what I said upthread. I think OP is projecting her own issues onto other people who have no idea how much she judges them for being "imaginary judgy"

Sounds like you need to write down all the jobs, break them down eg gardening includes: new fencing, weeding, cutting back, replanting. Some jobs you outsource and pay for, most you learn to do it bit by bit over weekends, annual leave, evenings. Prioritise the most important and agree with husband what to focus on first. Eg safety issues would be top of my list, including replacing fencing, making garden safe to play, getting any rewiring or plumbing issues sorted.

How dare you suggest that OP does DIY! Begone to your little castle with your petty bourgeois ideas about nice homes. The OP is far too busy being entertained at friends’ houses with glasses of Prosecco on the HKOC bar or frequenting the Pont de La Tour to be bothered to do this, dontchaknow.

And don’t even think of paying someone to do it either. Won’t someone think of the spreadsheet?

If you live in London where people move frequently you might be a bit disappointed to base your house choice on the neighbours!

Watch carefully every house on your street, god forbid someone untidy will move in and let their garden to overgrown. Life would be truly awful then!

What are you trying to achieve with your comment, again?

Also @kva , you said you cut your grass a few times a year …
That’s not enough , in the summer when it’s hot / rainy our grass grows so quickly , we are out every week / 2 weeks at a push running lawnmower over it to keep it trim and neat . It’s a 15 min job at most to keep it neat.
One of our neighbours is like you , cuts it once then leaves it for months to the point it’s long like a meadow and I look out in dismay as it’s so untidy and brings the street down.
Then he will cut it again and the same thing it’s nice for a week or two then left to be an eyesore.
I just can’t understand how fit , able bodied people can’t get out and just keep a patch of lawn mowed…

Nice friends won't care about a dated kitchen! Or a dirty conservatory roof. I had a dates kitchen for years. As long as you can offer a cuppa and it's clean enough inside to be safe and comfortable then do not worry.
Kids love being at other people's houses and seeing their toys. They don't give two hours if it's scruffy.

Oh c'mon! It's not going to take 15 minutes to mow the lawn - from start to finish it takes at least an hour for most people.

I really don't get the attitude towards the neighbour - it's their house, their life and their values and that's what they need to follow to make themselves happy, not their neighbours. Unless they encroaching your land, why their garden is so important to you that it makes you worried/upset?

People's priorities are just very different. For example, I exercise at a gym 4-5 times a week (which is more than almost everyone I know). This is a must for me, I would 100% prioritise it on a weekend over mowing our lawn. Even if that makes someone upset, I need to choose myself.

But this is a you problem! As you’ve said, your daughter may not be able to have friends around! If the grass is knee length if she can get out there she can’t sit on the grass and have a mini picnic, play ball, go on a trampoline or just appreciate some flowers or a few herbs. She might also get ticks, tread in fox poo or on broken glass. If the fence is rickety it’s downright dangerous.

I know you say you go to the park, but I don’t believe you can be doing that every evening especially if you’re going to the gym and working. Or say in the 15 min between coming home from school and going out again.

I’m no gardener but when I lived in a city we went to the park loads at the weekend but in the week my kids were in and out of the garden all the time. It was small but we had a mini trampoline, climbing frame, sandpit, small swing. We had tomatoes, chives and strawberries. They played out there with their friends and we even had birthday parties there. We ate outside all the time. None of this is possible if you only mow the lawn a few times a year. I appreciate you’ll say that your family is different but don’t you think it’s a bit sad that you have this amazing resource which your child isn’t using. And she can’t choose to mow the lawn herself.

Plus if you get a heavy lawnmower and do a bit of digging it’s excellent exercise, plus it’s also free and in the fresh air. So if you did that once a week instead of the gym you could kill two birds with one stone.

Sure, but you started this thread because you were worried your overgrown garden and falling apart house were going to have a negative impact on your own and your daughter's social lives, and asking for tips on how to make things look better without investing much time and money. Isn't that also a way of focusing on yourself and your own needs?

Our situation is that we live literally 10 minutes walk from a massive park with a playground. DD also have another park with a playground across the road from her nursery. She also likes going to a library after her nursery (if we ask do you want to go home she says no, it's boring) and play with other kids there. She also goes to a soft play in my gym to fool around and play with other kids there. She is just very outgoing, loves big spaces, playgrounds and is quite extraverted. If we'd put swings in our garden she'd be bored with them in 2 days!

I know lots of people like spending time in their garden, but that's just not us. If we lived somewhere with no parks around I'd probably reconsider though.

Well no, not really. It's focusing on the needs of people before we invite them. I would mow a lawn if we had guests around, not for myself...

Gosh this thread’s gone a bit mad hasn’t it?

You shouldn’t have told us you were overpaying the mortgage op I think the green-eyed monster has started to lurk…

You won’t regret it when you’re mortgage free while everyone else still has another 10 years left. Equally though a person in the opposite situation won’t regret years of living in a beautiful comfortable house even if the mortgage isn’t completed before term. It’s what you choose to prioritise.

Anyway the lifestyle choices are a red herring. If your house is clean then it doesn’t matter, decent people won’t judge. Personally I don’t care how small a person’s house is or how much in need of repair, what I really can’t stand is when it’s left dirty permanently.

I’m in the same boat only I rent. Because I literally can’t, and never will be able to afford to buy. The house is a shit hole, in a shit hole area. I dream about owning my own house, no matter what state it was in, just to say it was mine. So it just shows you that even though you think your house is awful, there is people out there that are envious lol. I bet it’s not even bad, at least it’s yours and you will have something to leave your kids, unlike me who’s got nothing to offer them. The guilt eats me up

Just take kids to the park in the spring/summer months and have a picnic. For now go to McDonald's or similar. You can tell parents that you are doing up the house and it's not so child friendly atm. People will understand. You can also offer to do drop offs to clubs.

It’s winter; nobody’s going to see the outside of your conservatory. In the spring, clean it yourself! We had an enormous conservatory, you just buy UPVC cleaner, get your old clothes on and an extending brush for the roof. Use the hose, not a pressure washer on the roof.

This.

Why did you buy the house if it needs a lot doing to it to make it presentable, and with a garden that you have no intention of making a pleasant area for your child to play in?

Why buy a place with a big garden if you don't like them? 🙄

It just seems like you're buying a lifestyle you think you should want, but you don't actually like it.

And you want to appear a certain way to people, but that's not you either.

Have you actually taken on board or agreed with any practical advice or tips that have been given ?
So many good sensible posts on here …

Thank you