Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

What an awkward question. Just because we don't use a part of the house / garden we should have not buy a property in a perfect location with a great school around? What would you buy in our case?

That's bizarre thinking. We love the house, its in the perfect location for us with a great school around. Yes, we don't use all parts of it, so what?

Our closest friends are always welcome. Am I worried about the moms with perfectly renovated insta houses being judgemental? Yes. As many here say they will be. It's probably not going to be the end of the world though

I can’t believe the negativity on this thread, I think you have made the right financial choice by thinking ahead for your children’s future. Showing off a nice insta house to keep up with the Jone’s is why so many people are in a financial mess in this country and not thinking ahead for their pension pot. But be proud of your current house and don’t worry what people think, genuine people will not care, those are the type of friends you want your children to have.

Of course. These are the most valuable

I just wondered why, if you knew what state it was in when you bought it, that you're now finding it embarrassing to have visitors.

If you don't live in squalor and you are a nice person I wouldnt care what the house looked like. If you made me welcome I'd be happy to socialise with you again.

My kids are teens. I can count on one hand the number of times we have hosted other kids and families. Generally we’ve met people at parks and soft play. But with extra curricular and work we don’t find we have had loads of time for having people round. My kids have been to other friends’ houses occasionally and on the occasion the child has come back to ours the parent hasn’t come to socialise. The one come home with us after tea then get picked up from the front door later. Only now my youngest is a teen she has started spending alot of time at friends’ houses and we’ve had those friends back. Rarely in her room though as it’s the box room so I tend to go up to my room and leave them to the lounge. My house is quite cluttered. The few I’ve been to collect from are all show home type families who have spotless and clutter free homes. Bit they all have much bigger homes. Sadly we have a very small home. It’s always clean though. And we try to hide clutter when friends are coming over now. Teen bedrooms are a whole other thing though as far as keeping tidy!!

Op, you're just overwhelmed by scale. Loads of peeps work FT and do the home slowly. All work just needs to be broken down into manageable chunks and listed. Alsi woek zonally. For instance I do little jobs after work like clean a shelf or change door lock, tighten/straighten something and then use a Sat to tackle a big ticket item. Sun to chill.
Your garden nay take one weekend or 10.
Just recently updated my loft, went room by room.
Can be done without money except for materials.

For summer socialising, get a plastic gazebo and take visitors around the outside?

Explain maybe to one mum who is chatty that your house needs work but you are overpaying your mortgage. Hopefully it will get around so you won't have to explain every time.

Our house is a renovation project and I totally get where you are coming from with regards to entertaining, but in reality no one else cares! People are coming for your company and to play with your kid. Yes, we’re all nosey - I say we are renovating and tackling one area at a time when funds allow - cost of living has affected us all!

However, time to give yourself a good shake and get out of the rut (I’ve been there too). Write out a ‘to do list’ in priority order. Which area is affecting you the most and what hat needs to be done in there:

Conservatory

1. clean down outside - bucket of hot soapy water and a sponge. Do the roof with a mop if money is really tight
2. Repair conservatory
3. clean and tidy inside

Garden

1. Rip out broken fence and take to tip
2. Replace fence
3. Make life easy - rip out flower beds and seed down by spring you’ll have a lawn

These might not be your priority and an exact description of what needs doing, just an example of making the jobs manageable and you get satisfaction by ticking the tasks off.

My husband has just single handedly replaced our entire bathroom suite from YouTube videos. You and your husband can do all these jobs, you just need to find your mojo.

All the best

As long as the place isn’t actually unhealthy, NOBODY CARES! I’m surprised you’re getting any responses other than that. If you tend to be obsessive, please control it so your family’s social life doesn’t suffer.

I just wanted to say I am in the position your daughter will be in. My parents own a property, but the country where they live has ridiculously low (and I mean it) property value. Not sure if that would help, but never in my life I thought of accusing them of this situation. Sure, when I meet people that come from money and who own multiple assets across London (all inherited) I wish I had all of that too (who would not?). However, I love my parents more than anything and understand they've done their utmost to give me what they could.

OP I would be putting the garden quite high on my priority list, as once a garden is let go, it can become an open invitation to rats, as there are lots of lovely places for them to hide. Also, surely it would be better to sort it out, so that your child and their friends can play out, when the weather is OK, plus of course your neighbours won't be happy if you let your garden go.

What's with the obsession about paying down the mortgage? You NEED to maintain the house, otherwise you may end up paying off the mortgage, on a house which will be falling down if you don't do regular maintenance. Remember the old adage 'A stitch in time?' Plus these sort of jobs get more expensive the longer they're left, so why not put maybe, half of what you're overpaying on the mortgage, towards getting, and keeping the house up together, then once it's in a better condition, you can go back to overpaying.

We have a professional pest control + a fox coming to the garden regularly, so there should be no issue with rats.

When we moved in we fixed the major bits that could impact the structure (i.e. retiled the roof), now it's mainly the interior of the house and the conservatory. But, to be honest, when we bought it the conservatory was already quite old, so not sure we need to invest much in it.

Re the mortgage overpayment, for me it's just common sense. I'd love to have a new kitchen or replace the finishes that have tear and wear, new doors, etc but not paying a huge % to the bank is more of the priority. If I did not see how far people go in our area (i.e. borrowing extra to renovate) I don't think I would be that worried.

It seems to me that you've got your priorities all wrong OP, as you sound almost proud that you have pest control coming round regularly, and a fox in your garden. Most people wouldn't be at all happy about that, as it's clear you've got an infestation if you've had to get them out, and like it or not, people will think badly of you if your garden is a mess, and then they see the pest control van turning up. Also, having a fox in your garden could be a danger to your children, so surely you don't want to be encouraging that either do you?

Also, if you're so worried about people thinking badly of you because of the state of your home, then I don't see why you won't do as I suggested, ie, put half of the extra that you're paying off the mortgage, towards smartening the place up, so that it doesn't go to rack and ruin, while you're busy paying off the mortgage, and then once you've done the necessary work, you can then go back to overpaying, but in the interim you'll be able to be proud of your home, and not too embarrassed to invite people round.

The fox is coming to the garden regularly, not pest control (they've been twice).

I find it hilarious that you think I am proud re pest control. I am not hiding it though, it's nothing to be ashamed of. The guy we used done most of other houses on our streets. Are they all got their priorities wrong, too?

And how do you think we encourage the fox? We do nothing to attract it! Most sources say it's nothing to worry about, you can use repellants if you wish but it's not a must. It has never left any mess in the garden and leaves as soon as it sees us. If it helps to keep the pests away, why would I bother with it.

I have 2 boys, but it’s nice to hear from your perspective, it does make me feel bad that I haven’t been able to have something for them to ‘inherit’ as such. But then on the flip side these days usually the house is sold on death to pay for x y z.. so maybe I’m being unrealistic. Suppose I just wish I had my own home instead of lining the pockets of another landlord. But how do we save and pay rent! Impossible. It’s over a thousand a month for rent these days anyway! Thanks for the reply and I see it in a different perspective now

My sister lives in a perfect Instagram entertaining house it’s huge. I hate it. She never has any loo roll, the house is freezing due to its size and it echos. It’s not homely and warm so I have no jealousy in all honesty

Absolutely! Clear the garden, clean conservatory and just tell people you are renovating. I always get comfort from seeing houses that are not perfect as it makes me feel better about mine! You definitely need to start those friendship groups etc for your daughter. I was the odd one out at school and never had friends home. Believe me it does affect you

It's good to know, thank you

OP, you like to be out doors at the weekend but investing time in your house will improve it.

Do not power wash the conservatory as it could damage the seals and you will have leaks.
An extendable brush with a bucket of washing up liquid and hot water would make a huge difference.
Wash off with a regular hose.
Clear the conservatory inside and look on second hand sites for funiture and rugs to make it a fun play space.

Fix doirs hanging off or stuck.
Do what you can to tidy and clear the garden.
A few plastic pots with cheap bedding plants can cheer it up.

Clean, smelling nice and tidy goes far.
Look at sites about upscaling and renovating old brown furniture by painting.
The difference is amazing.
Same with painting kitchen units.

I did a lot of playdates, usually friday for my children over many years.
My party piece was I used to throw on a tray of simple little cup cakes, with chocolate chips in them.
A simple recipe that I didn't even measure out.
They would be baked and out of the oven in 15-20 minutes and were just delicious warm.
That with toasties, ham and cheese were the snacks I did.
My children regularly told me that their friends said my food was the best.
15 years later my son told me his friends, all mid 20's now, remember my hot cup cakes.
It really is the simple things that make a difference.

Op I'm not sure what you want from this thread? You started off saying that you were embarrassed by your house and worried would impact on your daughter's ability to socialise and have play dates. You said you couldn't afford to get trades in to fix and no time to do DIY as you work full time. BUT it turns out you've plenty of money but you are spending it on what are your priorities at the moment such as clubs, gym, cleaners, days out and holidays and overpayment of mortgage (which is fine). You also have free time but you are choosing to spend it out and about or at the gym (which is also fine). But don't you see that it's all about choices... You could choose to do all the DIY and get the doors fixed etc. and trim back the garden but you don't want to. That's a choice you are making so how can we help you with that?

Regarding play dates though the reality is kids don't care as long as the place is clean and safe and there are snacks!

I wouldn’t worry about things being dated and shabby .
I wouldn’t judge that at all .
Is it clean , is it safe , is it comfortable?
I would definitely get a professional garden clear out and fencing fixed / replaced

I don't know why you would neglect the garden. It's a part of the property your DD will enjoy. If you are not into gardening, then have a lawn (needs mowing once a week in summer), paving and pots of plants and make a place for a swing, paddling pool, climbing frame etc. Just because you both work full-time does not mean you need neglect a garden - which will become more difficult to reclaim the longer it is left and is a value-adding asset.
And I would re-hang doors that do not shut (dangerous in case of fire) and replace broken ones. Doing that is more important IMO than paying off a bit of the mortgage. The house will be worth less than you've paid for it if you do not keep it renovated (you can calculate what you will have paid by totting up yearly mortgage payments over the life of the mortgage plus any deposit you put down).