Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

So long as the kitchen and bathroom are relatively clean, don't worry - just learn not to care. I know it's easier said than done but there are lots of ways of living in this world and if your neighbours/ kid's friends' parents are going to judge you and find you wanting then let them - they are small-minded and their opinion doesn't matter one jot.
I do understand because our house is falling down and some people will judge, but my real friends accept me and don't care. You'll get to know some of the mums, and hopefully will hit it off with some of them and will just want your company 😁

Jeez, it's a few doors need adjusting, a new fence and the conservatory jet washed people. The house isn't falling down around her 😂

Except she is saying it's in serious need of TLC and the conservatory is falling apart + there are broken doors, not just doors that need adjusting.

Stop overpaying your mortgage, use the spare cash to get the house cleaned and the conservatory cleaned. The garden you can do yourself, buy some paint and paint the main rooms so they're fresh , fix the doors that are broken and get some bright home wares to brighten up the place.

You should not be overpaying if you're not in a position to do so, no point having a house paid for that you can't use now. Your children will grow fast and they wont want to sit indoors.

Also trust me, Kids are very honest they don't be afraid to point out things in your house

Haha well it's a bit more than that but yeah I get what you mean looking at some comments here.

There is a couple of doors that need a stronger push to close - it's not the end of the word.

Kids love snacks and toys and warmth and fun. Some of my kids favorite playdates have been in houses I found disgustingly dirty, or small and cramped, or decorated not to my taste. Doesn't matter. You're right in thinking it's important to have playdates, so do what you need to do to get comfy with it. It's noted when you don't invite kids over.

Thank you, that was a part of my question. How bad would it be if don't invite the kids (I thought that would be pretty bad!)

But that's not at all what you said in your OP. Unless it's the bathroom door nobody would even notice that.

Oh I wish. I am sure that people who's just renovated their property which is new and sparking will notice.

Have you thought about not overpaying for a year and doing up the downstairs if your house? New kitchen doors and a paint job perhaps?

This is good advice.

If the house is clean and safe, no-one minds otherwise.

Can't you get a hose jet on the conservatory including the roof to blast off the worst? Or better yet a pressure sprayer. Put some chain link fencing up if you can't afford expensive fencing and get some cheap plants to go in front every so often to make it not look too spartan.

The kids will not care. Me and my friends were all poor growing up and had tiny houses.

I live in a housing association flat, it's not fancy at all and my DS's friends love coming here because I am always welcoming, I have an open door policy that they're welcome at any time (within reason 🤣) and I've always got snacks in for them.

We did similar, bought a house that was a stretch (and a project) and really needed to pay down the mortgage a bit before we could really tackle the house.

You really should prioritise the general maintenance of your home, no good paying off a mortgage on a house that needs general maintenance, decor etc can wait but things that are literally falling apart should be dealt with.

No advice but I'm kinda in the same boat. We bought an ex rental in need of serious updating earlier this year but we can't afford to start until I've found a job (currently interviewing). I've tried to make it look as nice as possible in the meantime with nice rugs/pics on the wall/candles etc but I'm still embarrassed. I wish I could be chill and not care.

Massive eye roll at this!! I lived in a tiny flat when my daughter was in reception, no conservatory or garden! We still had friends come to play, and we met out in the park / on beach etc. she’s 14 now and we live in a small 2 bed house with no garden, only a small yard, and she still has friends round all the time. We had 7 here on Halloween for dinner and sleepover and have similar here tonight for pre-bonfire night snacks and then they’ll go out after. Don’t let it hold you back as kids really don’t care as long as are made feel welcome.

At some point you have to say, 'this is us' at the moment take it or leave it, most people don't care or are even relieved theirs isn't the worst house that the kids go to!

All posters saying kids won’t care I disagree, my parents were not into house maintenance or decor and I remember from a young age feeling embarrassed about our home and wishing I lived in houses like my friends, children aren’t stupid they do notice these things particularly nowadays.

the only advice you need. My DC are at private schools and there are a huge huge range of homes - some people in giant housekeeper kept piles - and other who have put every spare penny into fees and live very very modestly.

My house is at the big pile end - but my sons friends have all sorts. The homes I enjoy being in the most are clean and relatively uncluttered - bonus points if they make me feel comfortable about making my own cup of tea and helping myself to extra biscuits. No one worth being friends with is going to judge you for your house being small if it’s clean! You can be excited about the renovation projects you’re planning one day without apologising for things (never apologise!)

have initial play dates in the park - and then when you feel more comfortable invite people back for specific fun activities - if you invite children and their parents to decorate gingerbread houses at Christmas - or play Halloween games in October - then they’ll remember the fun they had not the space.

there’s that old saying - people forget everything about you before they remember they way you made them feel. Be welcoming + fun + relaxed. You got this!

Agree! Time for some perspective- you own a home with a garden and conservatory! That’s more than most people on the planet! Let the rest go. Host the play dates and don’t get caught up in the house/status nonsense .

On the mortgage overpayment question - the houses on our street cost the same regardless on whether they were fully internally renovated or not. As long as there are no major issues, i.e. structure.

I work in construction (not on the trades side unfortunately) and see enough that most things that people do for their homes they do for themselves only. Unless it's a major extension, an internal decoration or garden refurb will not increase the property value.

The house is safe and 'just fine' for us to live in, considering we are not using the conservatory and use the garden 2-3 times a year. We are very outgoing and spend 95% of the weekends outside in the parks or in the city. We don't like being stuck at home, we don't feel we need to build a sweet castle for ourselves. I am only thinking of the renovations now for the social reasons so not no be judged (and looking at some of these comments on Mumsnet a lot of people DO judge!)

Suggest for inspiration you check out Midwest Magic Cleaning on YouTube - really kind and gentle guidance on making an untidy house a home!

Also if you’re a bit stuck with how to tackle a room or a project look at https://goblin.tools - breaks things down for you so you don’t waste the mental energy in planning and can use it for sorting.

Im trying to be a bit tidier and make my place a bit more fancy so I’m selling stuff on ebay and putting the money aside for improvements, is this something you could do?

Hi, OP -

My friendship group have mixed circumstances. One of the most popular had a house like yours for years, until she and DH felt able to remodel. The other still lives with DH in a modest bungalow they’ve not done much with though they could easily afford to.

Both are confident and love to host, and it shows. They keep their houses clean and welcoming, they know how to make their guests of all ages feel wanted. Both are very popular and so are the DC (one set now grown).

In your shoes, I would just focus on keeping the place clean and working on my self confidence.