Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

I’ve been to a variety of houses and just love seeing how other people live. I think as long as it’s relatively clean it’s absolutely fine. I go to one house regularly that I swear is like the hoarders next door. I would find it incredibly stressful to live like that but find it absolutely fascinating to look at all the stuff they have.

you might get people that judge but at the end of the day if the kids are 4-5 they’re not going to care so I would say don’t let it put you off. Just be friendly and try to make it cleanish.

edited to add I have a (not quite) friend who I’ve walked past her house so many times and she always says ‘oh I’d invite you in but…..’ <insert very lame sounding excuse> they’ve been in mine loads and she used to ask me to take her kids a fair amount. I don’t class her as a friend really because she never invites us in. I don’t expect it spotless but feel sad she won’t let me past the front door. So I would advise just be welcoming

You have a number of options.

In the better weather - so September and in the summer - you can organise to meet at local parks or recreation grounds.

If you are quick off the mark you can organise a few of these pretty much as soon as she starts and get to know some other children and mums.

It's quite likely there will be other parents in exactly your situation as well.

Come the winter, well 5 year olds don't really care what a house looks like. Tell the mums you are renovating it.

You could make improvements that cost nothing!

1. Clean the conservatory.

1. Cut back and tidy the garden

1. Take doors off and plane/sand down where they're sticking (YouTube will have videos on How To rehang)

1. Tidy the kitchen and could you not afford paint for the units to refresh on the cheap? Or just a really good clean.

Tidy up, de clutter, give everything a good deep clean. It will be fine!

conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken

Why can’t you clean the conservatory and do some trimming in the garden?

I’d have no issue with an outdated kitchen or wobbly doors but an unclean house isn’t fair on the kids.

Invite people over and tell them to excuse the unfinished condition of your home, its a project and you have work planned. Make one room clean and child friendly and host away!

Why are you overpaying the mortgage? Sorry that probably sounds like a stupid question, but if you're self conscious about your house wouldn't it make more sense to spend some money on it now to get it to a state you're happy with? The way I see it, these are the years we are most cash strapped, when we are building a life for our children, now is not the time to be overpaying the mortgage. I could pay loads down and be mortgage free when the kids have moved out, but I have kids NOW, I want money as a family now.

An overgrown garden is easy taken care of as is any dirt or untidiness.
I'd not be overpaying a mortgage on a house that's falling down, no logic in that.

Tidy up the garden when it's better weather.

Clean the conservatory.

No one will notice doors don't shut least of all 5 year olds.

Make sure her bedroom is nice and have something nice for tea and that's all that matters.

We lived in a first floor flat with no garden until ds was 5 and had loads of play dates,his best mate at the time lived in a 5 bed house 2 roads away and didn't make a blind bit of difference.

My advice would be don't let your anxiety stop you hosting, it's good to have lots of friends and really good when you have a network of mum friends where you can call in favours if necessary.

Ds is an only child so we had at least one play date a week and when he was a teen I seemed to acquire multiple extra teens most days 😊

I also wouldn't be over paying the mortgage when there are basic repairs that need doing.

This.

Also as a lone parent who works full time I still manage to keep the house clean, sort out broken stuff and kept the garden ok. This isn't DIY it's maintenance

YouTube is your friend on stuff you aren't sure how to tackle.

And no one expects a show home, they won't care if your kitchen is outdated. Just that it's clean and safe.

Sorry just to clarify - the house is clean from the inside but our conservatory is dirty from the outside. We can't clean it as I think it needs a professional clean, especially the roof! Maybe we can investigate the costs a bit more (and it's not horribly expensive) but at the moment we are pouring all the spare cash we have into the mortgage overpayment.

Also, the gardens don't need just trimming, they need a total re-do (i.e. new fences, etc). We've already done what we could ourselves, I am pretty sure the rest would need to be done by professional trades.

Clean is good and most important for play dates and shouldn't require any cash

Falling down conservatory sounds dangerous and should be fixed

An outdated kitchen is irrelevant

There is no question on safety, all was checked by the surveyors/engineers. It's mostly the decoration / old kitchen etc but to me that's embarrassing enough not to host. I could be wrong though but that's how I feel

Cleaning and tackling the garden aren’t expensive jobs so do them and you may feel better same with putting cupboard doors back on , lots of people will understand that you are saving for renovations - as long as it’s not dangerous to be there

Why does anyone have to go into the conservatory? Just use the sitting room or some other decent inside space.

you could always ask the other parents for recommendations on conservatory cleaners, kitchen people etc, so they realise you are not just a slob but actively renovating ( even if you aren’t )

This! Everyone has time to do this stuff and it doesn't cost much. Or get a one off gardener to do that part at least. I would be put off if I took my child round for a playdate and the garden was overgrown and the conservatory was dirty enough for you to mention it. Same with kitchen doors hanging off. This can all be easily and cheaply sorted, if not by you then by local handman/gardener etc that doesn't cost the earth at all.

Your window cleaner (assuming you hopefully have one) can do this. Ours cleans gutters etc too. So cheap too!

Why on earth are you overpaying your mortgage when you say your home needs some home improvements, you want to host but house not in a condition to do so ?

Why are you pouring all your spare cash into the mortgage?? Yet letting the actual home go to ruin. I find that odd.

Kitchen - frenchic paint and fablon/dc-fix could totally transform it - there's a FB group where you can see what lots of other have done with this stuff.

Garden - buy a few gardening tools, mower, hedge trimmer. Some plants/pots. Clean it up, tackle one area at a time. Replace fence panels as and when.

Conservatory - buy/hire a pressure washer, get up some ladders and clean it?

Nothing you have mentioned needs loads of money throwing at it or even any professionals

How long have you lived in these conditions? If it's years then I'd say you are unlikely to get it fixed and it's more likely going to be in a worse state come next September. Most people wouldn't choose to live with a conservatory that's collapsing, an unsecure and overgrown garden and broken interior doors and they would prioritise that above overpaying their mortgage.

What have you been doing up until now? It's not like a social life suddenly starts when they start reception. Does she (or you) not have friends over at all now either?

For the outside of the conservatory you can hire pressure washers in your local tool hire place. Pressure washing is easy and very satisfying. You don’t need a professional in to do it. You’ll need a ladder for the roof - you can hire those too if you don’t have one.

For the rest of the house, it’s okay to say that’s it’s a project and you’re taking your time to work out a plan. No one worthwhile will judge you for that, as long as it’s all clean and tidy it all good.

Why pour all spare cash into over paying the mortgage on a house with a dilapidated conservatory and wild garden 🤨 wouldn’t you be better off making those two areas somewhere the kids can enjoy?

It makes no sense to overpay your mortgage while letting your asset fall into disrepair, you need to maintain your home to prevent depreciating value.