Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

Thank you, this is noted and I will think hard about this...

Noone hosts like this in the area where I live. The most playdates I went to featured a new sparking kitchen island with glasses of fizz.

ours is a multi-year renovation project. It’s definitely not as easy as ‘ just tidy up’ and ‘clean’ when there are boxes of kitchen things in the corridor so you can hardly get through much less vacuum. Garden is literally a field but I get someone to come by with what is essentially a small tractor to hack it back so we can use it - even if it’s about as far from manicured as it can get. It’s hopefully my project for next year so at least we have a hosting space.

Im just honest that our house is a tip - but we’ll be hosting once it’s feasible and safe to do so. So far people have been very understanding!

what I do is the occasional big party when we are between the bigger projects… easier to justify moving lots of boxes or putting up strategic curtains when it’s for a large group and I’ve had time to prepare !

I’m sure my ex-NDN and friend did this, just lots of park and rec play dates. She had a cleaner but as most don’t tidy up I think she preferred others kids outside (she has 3 of her own).

My own DM when we had play dates, she has a big house but when we were young it was run down, much like most other people’s and kids either came over or didn’t (they came in droves). Probably because DM didn’t care about the house but let them have free run of the house/garden.

Totally agree. Your house is probably your biggest asset and should be maintained. Even if you only partially use your spare money it would be much nicer to live in

Right on point with the area description, it's quite like that. We do have a good school very close to us so would not consider moving.

I don't think our house is awful or unsafe (sorry if I am not on point with the description but English is not my first language!), but it would definitely need some reno to match the houses we've been to. To put it this way: all the houses I've seen so far were basically the Instagram houses you mentioned.

We're in a project doer upper house and have spent the last 2yrs apologising for the state to DDs friends and our family. We won't be done for another few years.

Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

Honestly, OP, do you actually even have time and mental energy to host and organise playdates?
I also work FT, and the weekends are so busy and packed with family stuff that I can't event think of finding time for half-day playdates.

Have people over, if you feel self conscious, say 'Yes, it's a fixer upper and it going to be a few years until we've saved up enough to do it up' and honestly if anyone is a snob about it, that's their problem. I wouldn't even need someone to tell me that if I could see a place needed stuff doing.

the people and children are coming over to see you and your DD, not the house. As long as its clean, nobody will bat an eyelid.

I agree about basic cleanliness but I was lucky enough to live in rather a lovely home growing up but it was old, a bit chilly with high ceilings and very formal, and I loved visiting my friends more modern, relaxed, cosier homes as a child and I didn’t judge negatively at all. I begged to stay over. So yes you do sound very snobbish I’m afraid.

What has happened to the world? Are we really making friends based on their affluence and interior design skills now? That’s pretty shallow! I blame Instagram tbh 😃

Speaking of which, there is an Instagram account which I think is great because it normalises “regular” homes, in other words homes that are unfinished, with ordinary mis-matched “brown” furniture and spare rooms with a bit of clutter. Honestly, as long as you and your children are warm, safe, fed, healthy and are able to sleep well and have a clean place to play with friends, and do homework, nothing else really matters.

What matters are: your character and your children’s characters, the quality of your relationships, your dcs education, your warmth and kindness, your common sense and your financial stability,

For guests, the most important things are having clean, warm rooms and not too much clutter. A garden even with broken or missing fencing looks nicer if it's clear of mess, the lawn is cut and there are a few nice plants in the beds or pots. You can't do much about the way the conservatory looks from the outside except do a bit of painting. Just do what you can and mention that you're saving up to have some major work done. You've a right to spend your money how you like so don't feel apologetic about prioritising your mortgage at the moment.

My daughter has two friends.

One lives in a very lovely steading but it's all on one level so my daughter described the house as small as a result (it's bigger and much nicer than ours).

The other lives in a house firmly stuck in the 1970s that hasn't been updated yet. But it's over three floors. So that one is 'big and posh'.

Five year olds don't see these things in the same way.

Outdated doesn't matter at all, clean and safe does. Fix any doors that are actually broken (a bit difficult to close doesn't count here), get the conservatory renovated so it's in a safe condition, and get the garden cleared and the fences fixed in the spring/summer. The garden clearance in particular may seem daunting, but if you dedicate a morning or afternoon to it once a week, then it will gradually get better and you'll be able to see the difference. Take photographs of it every week so you can see the progress that you're making, even if it doesn't seem much better. Argos have got Black Friday deals on hedge trimmers and other garden tools at the moment, so if you don't have much in the way of tools right now you can save there, and for one off specific jobs (eg if you need to chop down shrubs you don't like) you can hire larger kit too. This guide is quite useful for how to approach it.
https://www.idealhome.co.uk/garden/garden-advice/how-to-tackle-an-overgrown-garden

I’m friends with a millionaire with a big trust fund. Their house is ‘awful’. I can’t say I care or judge. It’s clean, kids are happy, the house is full of love.

Having a house that isn’t complete isn’t just about the money. Perhaps someone hasn’t had the mental energy to get it done. Perhaps tradespeople have let them down. Perhaps they’ve had caring duties for a family member. I really can’t say I care.

Some great tips already here.

My tip is: It's winter, so FLATTERING LIGHTING is your friend. Fairy lights and side lighting costs just a few pounds and will make any old shithole look cosy and nice. If the kitchen is terrible, then throw down a nice bright rug and add some small lamps. It'll look LOVELY.

My house growing up was massive. We had rooms we didn’t even use and a huge garden with swimming pool. I barely ever had friends round and they weren’t that comfortable there on the rare occasions they did come round. We preferred their houses, whatever they looked like… it was the atmosphere i remember, that’s what I’ve always cared more about when inviting people to our home now.it s clean, safe and always got biscuits. 🍪

Remember you are buying this house that is a great achievement well done.You are sadly feeling inferior to these other people with their shiny new homes which seem so perfect.Have no fear that what you see on the outside could be far from the truth.No one had a perfect life.Be happy with what you have make the most of it.You say the house is clean and tidy,yes some renovation would be good but for now write a list of inexpensive ideas to make it better.Hire a pressure washer for a weekend to clean the conservatory at the same time clean the outside paving.Clear weeds and cut down overgrown plants.Look on marketplace for garden tools,paint etc.Make it your own and be proud that you are buying your own home.Welcome you child’s friends that is the most important thing.Live well.

Glasses of champagne on the kitchen island is a world away from the play-dates I know.

But temporarily tarting things up with tile paint and.some cushions from B&M won't make it a "prosecco on the book-matched marble island" house. Which it doesn't need to be! Theres no reason to feel one family is better than the other asca result. Set up a room which will work for the adult to be in. Don't apologise for the house. Make it clean and cheerful and welcoming.

At the moment you're not prioritising home improvements. Obviously thats great, you dont have to. So either own that, or set aside some good chunk of time, money, and energy to get it sorted.

As long as it’s clean enough and not cluttered it’s fine. The only houses that are horrible to visit are ones with piles of junk everywhere.

You could put money into it but have chosen not to, so just own that, live your lives and invite whoever you like. The people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter won’t mind.

Also, we are talking about little children here: when mine were small I moved to a tiny flat after divorce and thought my life was over. That tiny flat turned into a bustling hub of activity and all the local kids were there all the time. This was largely due to a vast collection of fun toys (a lot of Sylvanians, loads of books, and some guinea pigs) and just being in a location where the kids could pop in (near the school).

It really isn't about having a show home. It's about what you make of it.

@kva a warm welcome and a clean cup for a brew are all you need.

Your house is clean and safe.

Invite your friends… the real ones won’t give a shit about whether your decor resembles something off insta or not.

I'm going to reiterate the point I made earlier because I think it is really important.

Will some parents, or even children, judge you for your non-insta house? Some people will and some people won't. That's just a fact and you can't really do much about that, other than never let anyone over the threshold (which will cause other issues, because you won't be able to reciprocate other people's hospitality).

So, some people will judge you. Hopefully not too many. But some will.

But - so what? Why are you giving away your power to them? Why do you place such importance on their opinions? Aren't your own opinions the only ones that really matter?

Why not fake it till you make it OP?
I like the suggestion by a PP to try and pass off your house as a reno in progress.
All you have to do is create one Insta-worthy room. Maybe the front room. In that room you can splash on some Farrow & Ball, stick up some art (of whatever passes for suitable in your social circle), get a few plants and so on. If the children are all small put some tasteful "objets" on a high shelf.

In your kitchen, have a wall which is an inspo board with some samples of lino, House of Hackney wallpaper etc so this contributes to the reno illusion.
This way the judgey people will be reassured you're a person of exquisite taste and you're "one of them". HTH 😁

It might not be as bad as you think op. I live on a council estate in a veeeeery wealthy area and was worried about the same thing, but honestly it turned out that the vast majority of the kids at school live in houses just like ours (very normal houses, not like Instagram at all) only a very small number actually live in the big Instagram homes. I assume most of the ones that do go to the local private school.