Worried about our house and socialising

[kva]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit anxious about how our home might impact both our daughter’s and our own social life as she starts reception next year. I'd love to host playdates and invite people over, but I’m embarrassed about the state of our house – it’s in serious need of some TLC. The conservatory is falling apart and needs a good clean, the kitchen is outdated, the garden is overgrown, and a few doors don’t close properly or are broken. It just doesn’t feel like a space we’d be comfortable hosting in right now.

We recently decided to put our savings this year into overpaying the mortgage, so there isn’t much left for home improvements. Unfortunately, we can’t tackle big DIY projects either, as we both work full-time and don’t have family nearby to help out.

I’m really worried that not being able to host could affect our ability to build friendships, both for our daughter and for us. We don’t want her to miss out on forming those early connections with her new classmates, and we’d love to socialize more with other parents too – it just feels challenging with the house as it is.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love advice on how to make our home more inviting on a budget, or ideas on encouraging socializing outside the home. Any reassurance or tips would be so appreciated!

P.S. We live in an area where it seems like most families buy homes for over £1m (ours is much less) and borrow to do major renovations before hosting. Inviting people over to our place, as it is, feels a bit intimidating!

Thank you so much in advance!

I think you're being unnecessarily anxious, maybe because, as you've mentioned, of a different cultural background. Also, if people are that rude or snobbish, they're probably not friends you would want! In my experience, children mainly want snacks 😂, and a parent who is hands off enough to let them have fun and cause chaos, but in control enough to smooth things over if there's a problem.
Having said that, do take the advice here if it will help your confidence. Start with a deep clean including conservatory windows, any carpets, sofa covers (you can do all this yourself, maybe check locally for cleaning machines that can be borrowed or rented) . Do a de-clutter so that most stuff can be tidied away. Get some good storage if needed. Maybe a lick of paint in the main rooms? For the garden, could you get a few pots to sort of hide fences (look on freecycle or other give away sites). All these things are super cheap and easy. Then maybe look at cushion covers/lampshades and that kind of thing to perk things up a bit.

Strim the garden back and remove any debris, broken old trampolines/garden furniture etc. Don't have piles of crap in the front garden. It's not Steptoe's Yard. Just make sure everywhere is clean and reasonably tidy and not an utter disgrace. People will forgive everything else, especially if you say 'excuse my scruffy house, it's a doer-upper, we just haven't got round to doing it up yet.'

Honestly, providing it doesn't smell or look like a health and safety risk they won't care.

Your house will help you find your clan, if parents turn their nose up at you then they're not for you.

Also you could lean in to being the less shiny house, offer slime, dens, baking, painting, making pizza. You'll be every kid's favourite!

Lots of the items you’ve listed are things I would take on myself (as evening projects if necessary):
clean conservatory - this shouldn’t cost you anything
cut back over grown garden - buy a pair of elliptical shears (or borrow from a friend/neighbour)
dated kitchen - you can repaint the kitchen cupboards and floor cheaply with a good quality eggshell paint for £100.

I’d estimate these will take you approximately 3 - 4 days tops, working 7 hours per day, so why not break into evening slots of 3/4 hours each, running over 8 days? You could do half one week and half the next.

Why is it minging? I can see through the windows - they are perfectly clear. I don't clean the outside of my house. I don't see what the difference is?

I sometimes feel the same but two comments I’ve had about my house very recently that made me rethink:

“I love coming to your house, it’s so earthy”

”My house looks so grey and tidy in comparison”

It’s old and higgledy piggledy though not particularly untidy, lots of stuff bought on travels, lots of books, and well over 50 plants some of which are huge. We have broken stuff, wonky doors, uneven floors, worn carpets , sofa is a billion years old, bugger all useful storage, too many stairs. Sometimes I long for the clean lines and matchiness of others’ houses, but you know what it’s properly homely and lived in and it costs us peanuts. I do often dream of downsizing to a nice modern flat, though!

I think it sounds broadly fine. If the main rooms are ok, it’s unlikely a 5 yr old will care. But to be honest there are some things that it sounds like you should just roll your sleeves up and get done. The garden could be sorted for the winter easily (nice area to sit with a coffee, bit of patio to bounce call). I suspect most of the conservatory could probably be cleaned with some warm water and a long handled brush or a company could do it relatively cheaply. Doors etc, get a decent handyman round for a day to adjust them. I think there’s a middle ground between fully renovated show home and dirty windows/ doors which don’t open you might need to find.

You should be happy and comfortable in your home and give your child opportunities to have friends round. I would absolutely prioritise this over mortgage overpayments. If you don't reciprocate playdates, your child will stop getting invited. We have kids round ALL the time. I've always wanted our children to be comfortable socialising at home, as I never was as a child (our house was immaculate, but my parents were a bit odd!).

The attitude you describe of people not hosting till the house is all done up sounds quite sad to me. I don’t mind about perfection and the latest style of kitchen, that is about a house not a home.
Having limited your options by buying in an area like that and by prioritising your mortgage you have limited your choices, you can not entertain for years or you can make the best of what you have.
House must be clean, warm and smell clean, not scented but clean. Concentrate on rooms visitors will see, so hallway, downstairs loo, living room and your child’s bedroom. Lack of clutter is good but hiding all possessions away is bad. Walls can be painted reasonably cheaply, TK Maxx and Dunelm do lots of accessories and plants are always good. Decent tea, coffee and snacks, clean mugs. People, especially small children will remember a cosy welcoming home.

Haha yes that does sound a bit like our house in relation to worn out things.

Surely that's dependent on the size of the kitchen and garden, the existing cabinets, flooring, tiles etc? You can't just slosh egg shell over cabinets without sanding and prepping and very few floors are in a condition you can just paint. Then you'd need prep and finish or itd be off at the first sign of a mop. Then what about awful old tiles? Dodgy ceiling, light fittings? A quick botch would leave the kitchen looking worse as people would think she'd done it on purpose rather than just not yet had it done.

Just keep it cleanish. Don't worry about the rest. The kind of friends you want are down to earth people, not people who would discount a friendship because your house doesn't look like dunnelm vomited on it!

I have a lovely house and humble house and live in an area full of very wealthy people so I do understand... but just try not to let it put you off.

Hi I'm in your situation. The families at school mostly have houses 3,4,5,6 and in a couple of cases 10 times the value of our little "2 up 2 down" house. It's crazy.

My dh and I are both from generational poverty and literally have not had 1p of assistance and will have no inheritance etc. So we have done well to buy something but it is embarrassing to people clearly with/from money. And I can't help that. It's been years and I still feel embarrassed.

I haven't hosted any of the mums from school as I feel so embarrassed. Just because it's clean doesn't mean it makes it any less embarrassing for me. We have done bits and pieces over the years when time and money has allowed but there's still the kitchen and bathroom needing doing, they're both a mess and according to neighbours were both installed in the 90's. They were definitely installed by cowboys so that makes it even worse as it's botch job after botch job.

So I understand. I mean even one of the first comments about someone saying they find it fascinating looking at how other people live, that's exactly what I don't want, feeling like people are coming in for some poverty porn in their eyes.

I always suggested meetup at soft play when kids were young and once they got a bit older I offered to watch their kids and most did a drop and go which has went OK. However I still feel uncomfortable at that because I can see the parents looking around at my sparse and basic living room when mostly all of them have 2 or 3 living rooms (usually a formal sitting room, a playroom and then a big family room).

It may have hindered socialisation I think but I feel very uncomfortable. But I have arranged lots of meetup at softplays and parks when younger and I do kids taxi service now they are older and pickup friends and drop at activities like swimming, take them to McDonald's and arrange pickup at my home or I drop them back off.

I know some people will think that's not good enough but I would feel like they are coming to see how the common folk live and I don't want to feel like that.

I suppose I just want to preserve some of my dignity and I don't feel I can have that when they see the state of our living situation.

A decent window cleaner can give it a once over and clear the gutters. Or hire a pressure washer one weekend.

I've been to few playdates. Most people just don't have clutter, some even almost bear house, just the basic furniture and that is that. Could you do that? Basically just declutter

I don't understand why you are overpaying your mortgage when your house is in a condition that makes you ashamed. You say maintaining it and decorating won't improve its value (not sure I agree), but why is that the ony consideration? What about quality of life and enjoying your home that doesn't have a falling apart conservatory?

It's okay to spend money you have repaintng some rooms. You say it's holding you back from inviting people over, you have the money to change that but won't.

also not sure about these things you are talking about, like people buying houses for millions and renovating before kids doing reception, lol. I have done playdates in flats or maisonettes or houses ( SE) but just normal house, no bigger than 70 sq m. Most people just furnish simply and functionably and that is that.

Totally. I do appreciate that people are trying to help but I also do know some jobs are for trades only, not people who sit in front of the laptop all day!

@kva people judge they judge our home but we are mid work our carpet has tape, there is bare plaster and a steel beam, our ouble glazedwindows are blown, there is no carpet on the stairs, our bath is missing, the patio is awful with cracks and the grass is 90% mud.

We simply say we are still working on the house and just to ignore the bad bits. Not one person has said anything negative some have given us suggestions of trades people, or places to get things which has been real helpful but noone cares if it's clean, safe and tidy.

Oh and noone has a clean conservatory roof they are all grim that's why people have those shutters on them 😎

Anyone who would judge your home isn’t worth befriending anyway, OP.

This ???
Why overpay on a mortgage for a house that’s not fit for living in ?
Even 1-2 k sounds like it would fix all this …

• Pay local company to jet wash exterior of conservatory
• Pay joiner to rehang doors
• Declutter main hosting rooms
• Wrap or paint your kitchen cupboards , we wrapped ours ourselves and put new handles on , all for under £300 as a quick fix until we save for a new kitchen

Make it as safe as you can and host 1 child at a time for playdates with those you feel most comfortable with. I had a similar dilemma. In the end the ones that came and didn't judge me for the outdated kitchen etc still come today and have seen it all the bad and now the good ! If anything it'll week the judgey ones that like are superficial out. So go ahead, live!

Also I'd say things can be old and tacky but doesn't stop your house from being clean. Ao clean floors, dusting ,tidying etc is a must to stop it feeling all too much.

You say maintaining it and decorating won't improve its value (not sure I agree), but why is that the ony consideration? What about quality of life and enjoying your home that doesn't have a falling apart conservatory?

I agree with this, unless your mortgage is crippling I think it’s mad to be overpaying when you can’t clean the conservatory etc. A house is first and foremost a home, not just an asset. It should be comfortable and welcoming. I personally feel that if you’re working hard you should feel proud of your home- not ashamed but I guess that’s a personal preference.

I do also feel though that having a tidy, welcoming home that “works” (no holes in walls, broken stuff) is very important for my mental health, but again some people might not feel the same.

There's a lot you can do.

It can't be that bad if you are happy to live with it like that in favour of overpaying your mortgage?

If the conservatory is dire, close that off and don't have people in there.

A dated kitchen isn't an issue just make sure its sparkling clean and tidy. Is there anything you can repaint to give it a fresh look?

Its a bit odd to buy something in SUCH a bad state if you haven't the money spare to make it liveable. Why are you pouring so much into overpayments?

Concentrate on the room most people will see first (living room) and just do a big spring clean one weekend. All most people will care about is that your home is clean. I wouldn't care if the paintwork was messy or the garden overgrown but I would mind a manky bathroom!